Wednesday, July 23, 2014

she kept both

It probably comes as no surprise to you that in the Heck Yeah household, we are avid The Bachelor and The Bachelorette fans. It's the only TV show we really watch religiously.

After the Juan Pablo season this past winter and spring, we wondered how it could get any worse! But then something kinda messed up happened this season - something that I don't think has really happened on the show yet: racism supposedly reared its ugly head. Though Juan Pabz did have unsavory things to say about gays.

Well what happened, did drunk idiot Craig get drunk again and drop an n-bomb? Did smarmy asshole JJ slap Ron because of his big black misshapen head?

Nah, it was much more subtle, or more likely, pretend.

During a rose ceremony, the bachelor or bachelorette hands out roses to those fools lucky enough to make the cut. The contestants stand and wait for their name to be called, kinda like this:

poole racist comment bachelorette

When the alleged incident happened, both black dudes received roses. Apparently, contestant Andrew (sick name, btw) mumbled something to the dude standing next to him, JJ, along the lines of "she kept both blackies". There was no audio of the incident, just video that shows Andrew mumbling something to JJ. What was said was completely indecipherable.

To shed further light on Andrew being a dickhead, and possibly guilty, earlier in the show, at a restaurant, a hostess apparently gave her number to Andrew. This was reported by none other than JJ, who then tattled a gruesome story to all the other cast mates, and then confronted Andrew, with head-shaking lols. The only outcome here is all parties involved looking like dickheads. Note here that dickheads are not always racist, but racists are usually dickheads.

In terms of dickhead-ness, both Andrew and JJ are pretty high up there, with JJ probably taking the title.

A couple shows later, and we have #Blackiegate. And then as we'll find out, it re-reared its ugly head during the "men tell all" reunion.

On the show, once JJ brought his revelation to light, to Marquel, the remaining black contestant, Marquel confronted Andrew, and did so in a somewhat reasonable manner, naturally, after initially blaming. Andrew of course denied it; Marquel seemed to be fine with that, having only hearsay from known scum, versus the word of borderline scum. They (Andrew and Marquel) were polite until one of them parted, and then eventually both were gone.

You'd think the beef would be squashed.

Fast forward to the reunion show the other night, and ABC wouldn't dare pass up a chance to crucify a white guy for racism, however true it may or may not be. So once the dudes all came out, Chris Harrison, the host, jumped right in.

Obviously, Marquel, given this great platform on national television, acted as if Andrew was guilty as charged/ferk. Throughout the interaction, there was really nothing Andrew could say (I mean really, is there?) to assuage Marquel's hurt and inner turmoil. The soapbox was soaped and the platitudes were platituded. As expected, Marquel directed his anger/ignorance right at Andrew. This was despite a good chunk of the other (sadly white) dudes coming to Andrew's defense. Though the defense might be seen more as an indictment of JJ's known assholery.

Where he should have directed his rage was at his friend on the show, JJ. If we pretend for a minute that what JJ disclosed really happened, his waiting four weeks later to share it certainly diluted it, while shedding light on his intentions.The waiting weakened it, and does a disservice to combating actual racism. Marquel, ever the dullest tool in the shed, completely missed that. Let's all hope he's not the next Bachelor, though smart money is on Chris.

Also funny is Ron, the other black dude, weighing in, even despite most reasonable viewers thinking JJ is an unlikable piece of shit. Nope, Ron stayed in his vacuum and condemned Andrew for being ignorant and saying ignorant things. Surprisingly though, he noted that Andrew is ignorant, not racist; BUT STILL GUILTY.

Not so funny is Andrew talking about how the incident affected his personal life...and Marquel making light of that. Marquel, as an African American, gets things handed to him because of the color of his skin. Andrew, is potentially having shitty things happen to him based on sketchy hearsay.

Sadly, at the end, Andrew apologized, most likely just to chill the idiot chorus. Either way, if Andrew said it, he's an idiot, if not, he's still an idiot: another white dude that just can't win.

Friday, July 18, 2014

a restaurant review, the sequel

Back in June, we reviewed a newer local restaurant, after a particularly shitty experience.

As usual, we social media'd the shit out of the blog post, from our HYM corporate social media sites that we frequent (Tinder, Adult Friend Finder, Redtube, facebook, etc.), and somebody from the restaurant commented! No lie, it was a very nice, thoughtful comment. He or she basically just apologized, said that's not how they roll, invited us back on their dime, and totally took ownership. Classy.

We were definitely gonna stop back anyway though, cause in typing up the initial review, I lurked their/there/they're facebook page, and they apparently serve oysters (!), and the wings looked awesome. Note that there is no way in hell I was going to expect them to pay for our meals.

So here we are, actually a month later, again on a Thursday night, after the live "Music in the Park" event, we were hungry, so we stopped into Bug Eyed Betty's. As we pulled in, the parking lot was PACKED, and I got so pissed that I immediately started re-sweating. The sweating subsided as I saw my friends, *** and *** hanging outside during halftime of their Thursday night trivia. We chatted for a few and headed inside to meet our food-fate.

Funny note, as an avid blog reader and booster of, and considering the previous review, when he saw us/me, *** exclaimed, "ARE THEY GONNA LET YOU BACK IN HERE!?" Heckyeahwoman was also worried about shitty-review retaliation. I did my time in a restaurant, I know how that works. So yeah, we were kinda nervous.

So how was the experience?

It started out on a sour note when I learned they were out of the oysters! GODDAMNIT I LOVE OYSTERS! Not to worry, a cold Oberon and Heckyeahwoman's sweet margarita raised our spirits right up. Since our (my) June moratorium on eating pizza expired, we (I) have been on a pizza binge, so yep, with Heckyeahwoman's blessing, we opted for the MEAT PIZZA, aptly named The Burly.

The pizza came out pretty quickly, and after the waitress set it down on the table, my first instinct was to ask where our pizza was, because all I saw was a big fucking pile of meat in the shape of a perfect, medium-sized circle.

So how did it taste?

Like heaven.

The meat was great (Canadian bacon, sausage, pepperoni?, braised beef brisket, other meats I'm forgetting). HYW thought the brisket was dry, so I started picking pieces off and stuffing them into my piehole, and confirmed she mistakenly used "dry" in place of "delicious". With pizza, one thing I don't generally notice, unless it's done right, is a nicely crispy dough on the bottom, and this was that, bros.

Pizza was awesome.

Midway through our meal, a managerial-looking fellow popped by and asked how things were tasting. Our awesome was met with his awesome, and we finished up.

At the end of the night, the final tally, in terms of pizza slices, had me winning with 4, compared to my wife's 2.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

John LOLiver weighs in

I must have seen 15 people post John Oliver links about how he "destroys" something related to the recent Hobby Lobby Supreme Court decision.

To catch you up: the Supreme Court ruled that Hobby Lobby and other companies don't have to provide certain health care services if they are religiously opposed (omg birth control and abortions!). Makes sense - you run a business, you are the boss, you should be able to decide which benefits you give your employees, how much you pay them, you know, how you run your OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS.

Having only known that Mr. Oliver hosted The Daily Show at one point, and seeing links that redirect to credible news sites like mediaite, msn, and democraticunderground, I had an inkling that we'd be low on humor, and high on demagoguery. Turns out I was right. Note that I made it about a minute and a half into the six minute rant. But the tidy little description was the heads up anybody would need.

His thing is that CORPORATIONS ARE NOT PEOPLE! I get that, but quick question, who runs corporations and companies? It may seem like profit-focused, corner-cutting, automaton scum, but smaller companies like Hobby Lobby, where the head honcho might actually have, aw who gives a shit: somebody owns a company, be it a board of chair people or an...uh, owner. If he, she, or they decide a decision (based on business, what has worked for them in the past, personal beliefs, etc.), that's not the corporation as a whole making it, despite that decision being reflected onto or within that corporation (as a whole).

So really what it boils down to, for reasonable people, is that John Oliver, and a bunch of other people don't want you to exercise religious freedom if you run a business. The surprising good news here for those companies that are graciously allowed to exercise their religious freedom, the government will pick up the tab for contraception and other stuff***.

Probably the only thing that gets people like Mr. Oliver harder than declaring their atheism, is declaring that the government will pay for something.

Here's a novel idea: if you don't like what your job offers you - pay, benefits, job title, boss, work environment, 3/10s with office goggles, or anything, don't fucking work there! You don't want to work for bible-thumpers? Tell them to fuck off when you get a job offer! Or politely decline like a reasonable person. Nobody owes you a goddamn thing just because you don't like your job, or holy shit, a possible potential job that you might take.

Further, are you a die hard atheist turd and hate Hobby Lobby? Show them your hate and don't shop there! Go to Hobbytown USA or Michael's (those are similar stores, right? lol) instead. Is the owner of the restaurant down the street known gay-hating scum, a child molester, or someone with slightly differing views than you on wedge issues but overall a nice guy? Tell your friends and avoid the place like the plague. Review they asses on facebook.

But for the love of dong, don't fucking tattle to the government.

Problem here though, there are people that think the government can run their business better than you, a quick run through of the government's stellar track record, with hits like the Amtrak and UPS, paints a different picture.

I think drugs should be legalized, but if some asshole wants to piss test me, he or she should be able to.

You know what else pisses me off? I'm an atheist. That by itself doesn't piss me off. But other atheists piss me off. I don't believe in God. But you know how many shits I give that somebody believes in what I think are fairy tales?

Know how many?

Take a guess.

Go ahead.


Yep, zero shits.

I've had to add a qualifier to my title of "atheist". Yep, as of like a couple years ago, I officially became an "apathetic atheist".

Credit where credit is due: Mr. Oliver does get one thing right, surprisingly, when he says that, "Taxation is more of an all-you-can-eat salad bar". Though it's not clear he meant the government is the one gorging on taxes. Judging by his politics, I'm guessing he meant fat white people from the rural south, because the facts say they're the most religionest people. OK, spoiler: the facts don't say that at all. But it's cool.

At the very least, do me (and the world) a huge favor, if you take issue with a person running his or her own business how he or she sees fit, please please please try to not have a safe Fourth of July weekend.

***I don't want the government to pay for much, but I would love it if they would inundate us with free birth control and make abortions an extremely cheap, everyday thing...almost mandatory, if you will.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

another restaurant review

After the smashing success of the last restaurant review, I thought it necessary to throw up another one. You may have noticed my PUMPY mention of our wedding anniversary from a recent HUMP DAY PUMP UP. Well that glorious day came. And with it came a review-worthy restaurant experience.

A quick review of that anniversary though, in story form (note the names have been changed): Turd dates Pretty Future Doctor. Turd marries Pretty Doctor. Turd and Pretty Doctor have their first child who unexpectedly was born a cat. Turd celebrates four years of marriage to Pretty Doctor.

Before heading out for dinner, we exchanged gifts. I had a local florist produce a close approximation of Heckyeahwoman's wedding bouquet - based on facebook wedding pictures, my MiL's floral expertise, and luck. It turned out awesome; she was PUMPED. I was gifted two (2) bottles of my favorite beverage: malort. The first, Jeppson's, I am intimately familiar with. The second, Baska Snaps, I had been wanting to try, and did immediately upon opening. Both wonderful.

Our first stop was at the new(ish) wine bar, Splash, where we were greeted by a virtually empty, dark room and what would become an annoying bartender. I sampled a $7 malbec and my wife tried the 'tender's suggestion, Cigar Red Zin. Both delicious, though hers was not as enjoyable due to the bartender repeatedly yammering on about how it's his favorite wine.

When people to whom I can't relate enjoy the same things that I enjoy, I tend to enjoy them less.

Quick question, do you want to be served wine by a 21 year old surfer-brah in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, in a wine bar, where he won't shut up, and the only reason he's not wearing board shorts is because he already been written up twice by management for wearing them to work? Do you? Me neither.

So we split after one glass each.

Next up was local restaurant, Mona Lisa's. We haven't been there for over ten years, though it had been ten years since we'd lived in Eau Claire. If I remember right, we went there for Heckyeahwoman's 19th birthday a long time ago (ha not that long ago, I swear!). My parents took me there one time when they were up visiting too, but they got me loaded on wine so the details aren't totally clear.

It was a Thursday night and the place was pretty packed, but not too packed for a local celebrity and his beautiful wife to get a VIP seat, so that was nice. At first I thought their shitty paper menus were shitty, but I was later informed that they change frequently due to availability of local food and seafood, so that was sweet. Menus in general though, so gross, with gross people putting their gross hands all over them.

Heckyeahwoman kicked things off with a glass of some type of red wine, and I was pleased to see they had Left Hand's Nitro Milk Stout on tap. Love that beer. The drinks came relatively quickly.

The menu itself was great looking. Italian food is funny, I never get PUMPED about eating it, but when I'm there, nomming hard as shit, the PUMP always seems to find me. The menu, with a great selection of seafood, got the PUMP going right away. Scallops, shrimp, other critters of the sea, all over the pasta. Hard choices were made that night, but in the end, they were the right choices, as we will soon see (sea?, sorry).

Heckyeahwom'n was torn between a few items, but went with the Seafood Rockefeller, and COTDAMM was it good. Aside from being creamy and (probably, I think) savory, the white sauce had a smokey flavor to it, while the scallops in the dish were almost knuckle size, no joke. Her tortellinis were cheese filled and cooked perfectly. Really great choice, doctor. Upon much deliberation, I went with the Seafood Ravioli. And delightfully shockingly, it was more seafood than ravioli, even though the raviolis were massive. I couldn't take a bite without packing my fork fulla various water-dwelling insect treats: scrimps, scallops, a white fish that didn't taste fishy at all, and I think calamari of the unbreaded variety. Stupid good, I literally couldn't wait to eat the leftovers.

The dinner concluded with the server bringing our forgotten glass of wine, that we had to chug before leaving, cause, as we say in the Heckyeah-household, "PAPA'S GOTTA TALK TO THE TURLET NOW".

Friday, June 20, 2014

are rookie quarterbacks automobiles?

A recent ESPN article about rookie quarterbacks asks why a team wouldn’t start one of the three drafted in the 2014 first round immediately. The author goes so far as to analogize these rookies with a new car: you don’t let the car sit in the garage until it gets better. If you’re brain is functioning at all today, you should see the misguided thinking there.

Maybe a better analogy would be: you don’t ride a bike with flat tires. A finely tuned bicycle with all componentry dialed in is much the same as a fully prepared quarterback, rookie or veteran.

Obviously then, why would you just throw a rookie quarterback to the wolves after a short offseason? I’m not a football player, coach, strategist, or anything associated with professional football, other than an average, somewhat fair weather fan. Note that I should do a piece defending my stance as a self-described fair weather fan.

A lot of things can happen from the minute a draft concludes to opening kickoff, that would prevent a rookie QB from starting. From injury, contract disputes, dickhead behavior, to laziness, your rookie QB may not be ready. Whatif his surrounding team is crappy? What’s up Jags?

Going from college to the pros is a huge transition: it’s faster and more complex. Take any person, a world class athlete or a world class intellectual, and when things get faster and/or more complex, there is a period of adaptation. The length of that adaptation and how it affects the rest of the team is the measure we’re looking for. Obviously, a shorter, less adverse adaptation would signify a quarterback that is positioned to succeed in the NFL over the long term.

How many rookie quarterbacks come out in their rookie season and blow minds? Maybe that’s not the expectation, but not a whole lot. Recent success stories include Andrew Luck and Russell Wilson. Andrew Luck is a very smart dude that just looks really fucked up, but he has a turnover problem. Russell Wilson is a product of his system that doesn’t ask a whole lot of him, and he’s quite handsome. Though you will not be soon confusing those guys for Manning, Brady, or Rodgers.

It will be interesting to see these guys improve as their teams lean more (Wilson) and less (Luck) heavily on them to win games.

Often times there is no question about plugging a first rounder right into the starting lineup at any other position, and I don’t see why a quarterback should really be judged any differently. If you're ready, you're ready. Though with quarterback as arguably the most important position on the field, playing with your expensive new toy just because it is an expensive new toy is not the best strategy for sustainable success.

It can be telling though when that shiny, new toy is the best tool for the job, meaning the other QBs on the roster are seen as inferior compared to a first rounder fresh out of college. Lol, Vikings and Jags.

Note that Aaron Rodgers sat behind one of the best QBs of all times, and he is now the greatest QB of all time, just sayin’.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

a restaurant review

Last Thursday night Heckyeahwoman and I tried Bug Eyed Betty's Half Moon Saloon, a newer restaurant here in Eau Claire.

In May 04, when I was just leaving college, we had a graduation lunch at Boston's, as it was newly opened (and built). Pretty decent food. Then eight years later when we moved back to Eau Claire, Boston's had become Broadway's Pizza. As Broadway's was usually at least semi-full, I was surprised to see that place was gone and it is now Bug Eyed Betty's.

We like trying new restaurants, and that combined with a few positive things I've heard on facebook, we decided to give it a try.

The night started out like any other: with cold beer. So that was good.

The menu looked pretty interesting. I went with a burger that allegedly had kimchi on it, along with spicy pickles, and pork belly, cooked medium; I was PUMPED. Heckyeahwoman went with a burger that had pulled pork. While we were thinking similar things, both ordering burgers, we soon hit a fork in the road when she went with the plain french fries, and I coughed up the buck fifty to upgrade to GARLIC FRIES! HECK YEAH!

Despite the restaurant being less than a third full, we still waited a good half hour for our food. Not to sound all 'Merican, but that seems a little long. Nevertheless, when you're in public with a 10/10 total #SmartBabe, you don't complain about being seen in public with that 10/10 total #SmartBabe. So we waited.

Then the food arrived.

The fries had that gilded deep fried appearance that induces the NOMs, with tiny minced chunks of garlic hanging for dear life onto each individual fry. Not to mention the deliciously visible garlic sauce that ignited my inner hunger so furiously. They truly looked amazing. A quick taste proved me dead wrong as they were simply, "meh".

We traded a couple fries, and surprisingly, Heckyeahwoman's were better. As a french fry connoisseur, I know a good goddamn french fry, and these garlic-flavored shits weren't it.

Time for the main course - burgers!

That first delicous bite was inches from my face, a mere weiner-length; I could taste it! And there it is, CRUNCH(!), the surprisingly, super bummer of a first bite: this burger is waaayyyy well done. CHARRED AS FUCK. The pork belly might as well have been a thin strip of charcoal. My burger was a hockey puck turd of a patty. Now there was a time in my life when I would have appreciated the broilerdude killin' my meat, but those times have long since passed.

And the kimchi? THE FUCKING KIMCHI? It was pickled pink shit. I don't know what the pink shit was or is, but every time I've had kimchi, it has never looked or tasted like pickled pink shit. Shoot, when I was in my mid-40s, I lived in Korea, and had I tried to pass this off as anything other than pickled pink shit, they woulda lynched me. Nice bait and switch there.

In case you're wondering, I ate half my burger and fries there, then brought the rest home for dinner the next night. Heckyeahwoman's meal was pretty great - her burger was prepared correctly. The pork was juicy and flavorful and the burger itself wasn't way overcooked.

But what really gets my goat here, what really chaps my ass is the service. Our waiter came over twice (2 times) to check on our food, and somebody else came over again, and all three (3) times we were asked about the food, and every time I looked him in the eye, and gave him a bummed out "eh, it's OK".

And all three (3) times both dudes got huge smiles on their faces, and replied with a super-PUMPED, "AWESOME!"

Again, hate to sound all 'Merican, but mediocre is not awesome.

I can't wait to try the next restaurant at this location in six months.