the stink enters

It appears that we may have another situation at work.

What if you had a coworker that didn't always smell that good?

What if this coworker came into your office, with no regard for the stink its' body carries with it?

Now imagine this: You're sitting at your desk, working so furiously, just enjoying the nice cool air that your fan is blowing on you. Life is good, man.

And then that nice refreshing feeling is interrupted.

This may be kind of hard to visualize, with just words, so I put together a proper diagram - please see below. I'm sorry, but whenever I try to add a picture, it always comes out really small. Please click on it, to get the full awesome effect.














Notice my "failed drawer blocker". I keep that drawer always open/extended for that reason alone. It usually creates a nice little barricade. Someone sees it, and subconsciously thinks they shouldn't come in any further.

Not the case here.

She just waddles in, closes the drawer, and gets up close & personal with my personal space.

As the picture shows, some of the stink even gets on me a little. So not cool.

One day last week, in particular, the stink was just putrid. Smelled like wet dog, ramen noodles, and AIDS. Horrible, lethal combo right there.

It was so bad I had to email the HR department. Here's an excerpt from that email.

to: hrdepartment@mycompany.com
from: heckyeahman@gmail.com
subject: "the stink"
date: 6-26-09

attachment: office_stink.jpeg

body: Dear HR,

Please look at the attached picture, and help me return to the previously unstinky working conditions that I enjoyed a year ago. Also, please note that it took the strength of ten thousand men not to gag.

Sincerely,

heck yeah,man(.com)

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: 'YOU'RE GONNA HATE IT' EDITION

I don't care, I love Maroon 5. The newest album, "It Won't Be Soon Before Long" is awesome. I'm listening to it right now. I don't really listen to it at the gym, or on the trail or anything, but THIS SHIT PUMPS ME UP.

"Goodnight, Goodnight"



I tried to pick a favorite, but it was so hard. I wish I could have posted a video for every song on the album.

"Won't Go Home Without You", live



Honestly, I could post Maroon 5 videos all day, but I know most of you are probably pretty pissed off right now lol.

No mashing today, no killing, no cutting, no lighting anybody on fire, no stabbing, no peeing on anybody today.

LOL OK THAT WAS A LIE. GET PUMPED UP NOW - HOLY SHIT WE'RE GONNA KILL EVERYBODY.



I really do enjoy Maroon 5 though.

couple things from work

Keeping with the work theme, started yesterday, here are a couple other noteworthy happenings at work.

1. The other day, I was just standing at the urinal peeing, and farting. And I don't know why, but I was giggling really hard. Like, I know it's rude to fart out in public, outside of a bathroom, but I'm sure these flatulences were audible from beyond the bathroom door. I don't know what you want from me - I went into the bathroom and farted where I was supposed to.

2. A lot of my time at work is spent on the phone. I called this broad up, and got her voicemail greeting, which said something to the effect of this: "I'm sorry I missed your call, I'm in the office today; but unfortunately I'm not available to take your call right now". No shit you're not available to take my call - that's why I'm listening to your voicemail greeting YOU RETARD TWAT.

3. I was sherkin' my duties at work, and went into the kitchen to get some more tea, and I spied the front page of the newspaper, and the headline was, "Hot Weather to Stay". ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? It was June in Florida - of course the hot weather is gonna stay. Seriously, the Gainesville Sun is horrible. If this shit keeps up, I may be better off reading the New York Times, lol yeah right.

If I were a gamblin' man, I'd bet on a few more work-themed posts this week.

potluck survival 101

Hey, I hope everybody had a great weekend. Lol if anyone blew any fingers off with firecrackers hahaomgwtflol.

If you're reading this, it's Monday morning; and most likely you are at work. That's bittersweet. It's sweet, cause you've got a job, and you're probably getting paid. It's bitter cause you're still at work; and I probably make a shitload more than you do, doing a lot less.

Those of you out in the workforce are probably familiar with the term, "potluck". You know, everybody brings a dish, and you all share. Sounds like a great idea, right?

FUCK NO, IT'S A HORRIBLE IDEA.

Not only do I have to worry about eating a less-than-healthy meal; but I have no idea what kind of squalor my fellow employees live in. I haven't been to each and every one of their domiciles - to check for cleanliness. All I have to go on is their personal appearance.

AND IN SOME CASES THAT'S PRETTY FUCKED UP.

Some people (or poople, lol) smell, some don't do the proper hygiene thing, some are aware, and some are oblivious. I don't care, I don't really want to make you feel bad - I just don't want to eat your gross-ass food, YOU FILTHY ANIMAL.

It's like, "you are fat and disgusting, and are touching something I could potentially eat".

Not cool.

Now I'm not saying I'm above reproach here. Wait, actually I am. I very rarely bring anything homemade in for potlucks. If I do, it's usually something I can cook at the office, so everyone can see the precautions I take for a savory (and sanitary) contribution to our nice little potluck. In most cases, I just run to the store and pick something up.

You know there's always gonna be someone of lesser cleanliness asking me to try his/her food. "Oh Andy, you're gonna love it." Actually, you shithead, I'm not going to love it. I've worked with you for the past 4 years, and every day you come into the lunchroom and tell me I'm crazy for eating "a salad "; "so healthy"; and "those vegetables". You do this every day. Now you want me to try your deep-fried chocolate turds with cream cheese? You also asked me if my vegetarian chili had rabbit in it. You are so beyond fucked in the head.

We (read: I) have instituted a few policies to enjoy not only a nutritious lunch, but to also survive this here potluck situation:

• The potluck sign-up sheet hanging in the kitchen - this is our first line of defense against the unclean. It says right there, who is bringing what. What a great resource for not eating, for lack of a better word, food that is straight-up crap. I usually pick out a dish or two brought by someone I personally trust.

• On numerous occasions, I have requested that HR requires name tags by each dish. Just a little piece of paper to identify not only the dish, but who brought it. Sometimes the sign-up sheet is hard to follow (illegible handwriting; unidentifiable, fucked up looking food)

• Myself, and a few like minded co-workers usually get together and try to assign things to bring, between us. We like to have a(n) (edible) protein, a few (2) sides, and maybe a desert. I trust these few people - whether they make it at home, or they buy it at the store - I know I can safely eat it...and not get poisoned by the grimy, gluttonous cookings of unsanitarians.

The lunch-time horn toots, and everybody mills into the kitchen, like zombies trudging around in an aimless search for human brains. And there I am, smiling and enjoying my inner peace - knowing I will have survived another potluck.

guys night out

Heckyeahwoman went out of town last week, and I thought it would be appropriate to grab some of my closest bros, and go get burritos.

We hit this new burrito place, and started the night out right with some chips and salsa. And a few beers.

OK, more than a few beers.

It was fun - we talked about guy stuff. Of course, that whole intervention thing from yesterday, happened. After that - with what seemed like a natural progression, the conversation evolved as we drank more. You know, we start out talking about the happenings in our lives, and wind up taking subtle verbal jabs at each other. That's pretty normal, right?

Yeah, probably.

Going from the subtle verbal jabs to a more drunken insulting, someone had the audacity to suggest that my girlfriend is going on a "BJ tour of Wisconsin". That pretty much opened the floodgates of insults.

With the skill of the savviest lawyer, I plead my case that his girlfriend is currently getting DVDA'd, and has been for some time. Truth hurts, man.

We finished up dinner, and headed back to one of the guy's places. Had a beer there, and made fun of his bike. To be fair though, he painted it himself; and it did look nice.

For some reason, we decided to go to another bar, where one dude's girlfriend is already out for a "girl's night" lol. Heading in, we say whats up to her, and her friends, and then grab a drink. Before long, we're over at a different table, so as to let the girls enjoy their time - yet still under the watchful eye of her boyfriend/my friend.

Our other friend and I notice the ladies' waiter stopping by their table rather frequently, and note that they're obviously flirting. It's our duty to inform this in the most brutal way possible.

"Hey dude, I think the waiter is gonna blast your girlfriend in the bathroom".

"No dude, he definitely already blasted her, look at that smirk on his face".

*Please note that all the girlfriend allegations in this post are 100% fictitious, made up purely for the sake of ripping on a friend. Clearly, none of our girlfriends are doing such things, it just seems like this is the next step up from calling each other gay.

Everybody have an awesome 4th of July! Go celebrate your freedom, or light off some firecrackerz.

intervention / apology / the pledge

This blog is going to be a little different. I'm going to go a little bit into the process of how I create a single blog post...as I post a regular blog post. Lol, wrap ur head around that.

Every post I make starts out with an idea. This idea is usually an action, an interaction, or an observation. But please note, the idea may be retarded, juvenile, and/or really fucking stupid. Probably a healthy mix of all three.

In this case, it was a night out with a couple friends. What happened was, we were having a few beers, and one of the guys comes right out (of the closet), and he tells me that my blog hasn't been bringing the rofls lately.

I detect a sense of genuine concern, as he's been a reader since I started. Immediately, a wave of disappointment comes over me: I know he's right. It has suffered lately.

Literally a second later, friend #2 chimes in, with the same sentiment. And they nod their heads in agreement, while looking at me caringly - so as not to crush my heart.

It's OK, it's constructive criticism, I can handle it.

But what the fuck, this seems like a goddamn intervention - the way they were both in such sync with each other. It was like, the two of them, against the one of me. I mean, that's a fight I'd take any day. But not when it comes to my blog, man.

As they voiced their concerns with an air of seriousness, I knew this wasn't just some friendly insulting. I knew their concerns held water; and I appreciate the mature handling of the situation. We ended up parting ways that night with a much stronger bond, now that everything is out there. Whatever, I just went home, had some more whiskey, and went to bed with a nice little buzz.

So that's the bulk of what happened that night...the action, the interaction, or the observation that sets off a need to write about it. Then as soon as I get back to a computer, I'll start a new post, type a few words, phrases, or sentences, - a brief outline, if you will - and work on it when I have more time.

Here are the few phrases I had to work from, as I type this up now:

"goddamn intervention"

"i'm going to fucking kill the both of you"

Kinda cryptic, but THAT'S HOW I ROLL, SON. And finally that time comes where I'll have to get to work, and make this literary work of art 100% blog-ready.

Uh, so here it is:

As I sit here and type, I realize that yeah, my blogs are suffering. But why?

The only thing I can think of, is that I haven't been blogging at work like I used to. YES - that's it! I have been busier, and haven't just had time, man. Shoot, when I started this blog, that was the whole thing: I'd write hilarious blogs at work, while getting paid to do it. It was awesome. Some where along the line, I lost sight, and started doing more work.

I was wrong: I'm sorry for not doing my blogs at work; and I'm sorry for incorrectly choosing my work, my income, and my ability to take care of my family over my blog.

It won't happen again.

Bottom line: I promise to devote more time at work to my blog. FYI - I made this pledge on Monday, and already I have a shitload more awesome ideas - and the best part is that I got paid to think them up!

HUMP DAY PUMP UP

Today's HUMP DAY PUMP UP isn't gonna feature any awesome punk bands. Nah, there won't be any cr00sh hardcore bands either. Not even gonna post any awesome death metal vids.

We're gonna combine a couple of my favorite things: Walker TX Ranger & Keyboard Cat.

Maybe some of you have already seen this, maybe some of you haven't. Honestly though, I really hate to poach another person's comedic genius, but I really feel like this is worth it. If you ain't lollin' at 0:46, check ur pulsez.



Do any of you remember this video from a couple years ago (minus the keyboard cat)? The lady loses her balance, falls, makes the most hideous noise ever, and hilarity ensues?

IS THIS RINGING ANY GODDAMN BELLS?



GODDAMN, RIGHT AFTER THE LOLZ HAPPEN, WHEN THE ELECTRONIC DRUMS KICK IN, I JUST LOSE IT. I WISH I COULD JUST TAKE A SAMPLE OF THOSE DRUMS, AND LOOP IT ONTO MY MP3 PLAYER FOR AT THE GYM.

OK, so here's the plan: Today is Wednesday, and I want you to pretend that the rest of this week is a bunch of grapes, and you're mashin' the shit outta them with your gnarled-toe-nasty-mangled-ass feet. Go ahead, mash it up good, and don't fall. But if you do, just don't make those brutal croaking noises like that weirdo in the video did.