i've always wanted to say this

I've always wanted to say this to a broad. Not heckyeahwoman, but a different broad. Nobody in particular. Maybe not even a chick. I just thought it would be cool to start freaking out on someone.

OK, here's the deal. You're a bitch. It's true; you really are.

The sick thing is that you have no idea how much of a bitch you are. You bitch, you complain, you nag, you pout, and you overreact; you're just a bitch. And you don't really think too much of it.

Yeah, I know I'm not perfect. Forget about how jacked and tan I am, forget about my uncontrollable awesomeness - I do have imperfections. Haha, yeah, I didn't believe it at first either. I would even go so far as to say that some people may think I'm an asshole.

But you know what?

I can admit it - I'm an asshole.

I can tell you, I can tell the world. Besides, all the people that think I'm an asshole, they're all assholes themselves. So fuck 'em.

But you.

Yeah you.

You're the worst.

Now that that's out there in the open...how u doin, girl?

a couple headlines

I was perusing the news the other day, and I came across some totally bullshit headlines. Truth be told, it wasn't actually the other day, it was like over 6 months ago. I was just going through some of my old ass notes, and found this little gem right here. (omg omg political content coming up)

Bill O'Reilly is boycotting Sean Penn's films

Let me get this right: Bill O'Reilly thinks so much of himself, that he is going to announce that he will be boycotting a fellow entertainer's films. I personally wish they both would boycott life. Wow. More like Bill O rly.

















I really hate Bill O'Reilly. He's such a dipshit. And worse, people take him seriously. I guess that would make me a dipshit for taking him seriously enough to hate him.

Whatever, this is my blog, and I'll contradict myself all I want. And then when you point out my my ineffible wrongness, I'll just talk louder than you. That's right motherfuckers.

Panel: Test all teens for depression

She's testing him right now! Are you depressed, buddy? Is your small ween depressing?




















Maybe they should just skip the testing and go right to the heavy medicating.

The Root: Is it OK that Serena posed nude?

You tell me, is it OK that this thing posed nude?




















Jesus Christ that's disgusting. The Root is horrible and racist, and the only reason to read it is for the lols. In fact, I should just copy and paste an article from there for my next blog post lol.

New Formula Raises Poverty Figures

Wait, what happened to the old formula? What was wrong with the previous one? Sounds like somebody's cookin' the numbers! This formula makes poverty worse than the old formula! Let's use this one!
















Change we can believe in! Hope for change!

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: FAT PEOPLE EXERCISING!

The other day I was heading home from work, and what do I spy, but a real fat tub of shit...jogging! That's right, this fat fuck was going for a nice little run around town! It was a beautiful afternoon, and he was sweating his ass off.

It was great!




















I was so happy to see him putting forth some effort to get in better shape, and not die from heart disease before he reaches 34, that I got immediately PUMPED UP!

This song was on the stereo on my car, and all of a sudden it was a little bit louder. The PUMP was coming, and it all started with this fat dude gettin' a little exercise!



Holy shit this song is awesome. I wish I were fat so I could PUMP THIS SONG, AND GO FOR A JOG AND GET ALL PUMPED UP.

Then the other day I went to the grocery store, and what do I see on my way home?

Go ahead, take a guess.

Ok, it was a fat chick riding her bike! Fuck yeah!




















Simply seeing this beached whale attempting to get her heart rate up past 3 bpm PUMPED ME UP and almost made her look like this:




















OK, not even close, but it was great to see her trying to get some fresh air, and burn some calories. I don't know why it pumped me up so much, but it did. I got home from the grocery store, unpacked all the food, and I was totally gonna go for a bike ride, but then I decided to have a beer and make some chili.

As much as I hate diversity, I try to look towards many diverse places to get me PUMPED UP. In this trip we call life, you gotta be vigilant; you may never know that your very next PUMP could be just around the corner. As much as I hate being open-minded, you gotta keep an open mind, always being on the lookout for the next PUMP UP fodder.

It could come in the form of an awesome song; and it usually does. But other times, something as simple as a trip to the grocery store has the potential to get you PUMPED.

With that, I just ask you to CHRIS BROWN THE SHIT OUT OF THE REST OF THE WEEK.

Man, that pumped me up.

he didn't think it was necessary

I don't know about you, but today, well yesterday, something happened, that happens too often. Finally though, I just had enough. I've been putting up with this bullshit for as long as I can remember. Shoot, sometimes I'm even guilty of it, myself.

It's not really something that happens every day, but just often enough to piss me off.

Heading into the bathroom to take a whizz, I notice something afoot.

It appears the urinal has been freshly used.

This is at least the second time in a week I've encountered an unflushed urinal.

There was only one thing I could do, to right this wrong. Looking again at his pee, I did what I know how to do best: I peed so furiously all over his pee.

Take that motherfucker, I'm pissing all over your piss, you pissant.

At that very moment, I began wishing that I had to poop, so that I could shit all over his pee in the urinal right there. I mustered up all the strength from within my bowels, but nothing.

With a slight sense of disappointment, I spit on it. I spit right on his pee.

Then you know what I did next? You wanna fuckin' know what I did next?

I flushed his pee right to hell, that bastard.

Holy crap I was so pissed.

people we hate, volume 1

We had a couple people over the other night, and somehow we started discussing this group of people that we all agreed that we hate. No, not FAT PEOPLE; FAT PEOPLE get a break for today. We were actually discussing a totally different group of people.

A degenerate group of people that I, that we, really despise.

Not being totally sure how I was going to start this one out, I was going to use the line, "YOU ARE A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG". That's kind harsh though. Harsh, but true. Still, I didn't want to be that bold.

Anyway, the people we hate are "world travelers". What exactly is a world traveler? These are people that enjoy traveling, people that "love to travel, man". People that on facebook, list "traveling" as an activity or interest. People that brag about where they've been, around the world. People that take shitty, cheap vacations, just to say they've been there. And then they say they've been there. Then they tell you again.

Then they talk about how awesome it was when they rode a bus to Amsterdam and slept in the gutter for a couple nights.

I'm sure everybody knows somebody like this. Oh, he's a "traveler", he loves to "travel". NO YOU FUCKING RETARDS, YOUR DIPSHIT FRIEND JUST LIKES TO TAKE VACATIONS.

I LIKE TAKING VACATIONS TOO.

WHO DOESN'T LIKE TAKING VACATIONS?

NOBODY! EVERYBODY LIKES TAKING VACATIONS!

And what's so awesome about vacations? For many, its means not being at work. For others, it means just another chance to brag to your dullard friends about the time you were in 3 different time zones at the same time in Europe, all while taking a train through India.

Listen dickheads, let me break it down for you: everybody can travel. Not everybody does. Just because you went to Europe and slept in a bus stop, that doesn't mean that you're cool. Personally, I think you'd be really cool if you slept in a hostel and got brutally murdered, like the movie, you FUCKING PUSSY.



As kind of a sidenote, you know what goes hand in hand with being a world traveler? Being an artsy-fartsy douchebag that likes reading books. I like reading books.

Rather, I used to like reading books...yep, right up until I decided to write this post. Just thinking about "avid readers" really pissed me off. It pissed me off so much that I hate reading now. Man, and I used to enjoy it too.

brain surgeon retards

Lol, I was gonna title this post something with curse words, but then I figured my Dad would be pretty bummed if he logged on and, and saw that.

So I changed it.

Everybody, sorry, I mean "errbody", is talking about universal healthcare. Liberals (read: quasi-progressives) are crying about it, and can't string together a cohesive argument to save their lives. All they do is write shitty articles about the fringe crazies at town-hall meetings. Wow, you wrote a scathing article, in the New York Times, about people that still have sex with their immediate family. Your parents are proud, I'm sure.

Seriously? Is that really what you're doing.

While you're busy looking like a dipshit, you could be out donating money to help pay for some uninsured loser's meds. You could be out picking up another shift at work, and donating the money to a charity. But that would be selfless, and would require you to put in some effort. It's so much easier for you to just read a couple Paul Krugman editorials, and think you know everything.

And pseudo-conservative talking heads? Who really gives shit what they say anyway lol. Die pussies.

Some of you don't know where you stand on this issue. This is where I come in to help you out.

Yeah, I think everybody should have healthcare, but if I'm going to be footing some of the bill, I certainly don't want a bunch of dipshits in charge of it. Forgetting that private industry creates wealth, where the government consumes it, pussies want to use tax dollars, and put the government in charge of fixing health care (lol!).

Let me ask you a question.

Do you know who is in charge of the US POSTAL SERVICE?

Go ahead, take a guess.

THE SAME FUCKING RETARDS THAT CAN'T DO SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS PROPERLY FORWARD MY MAIL

THE SAME FUCKING RETARDS THAT WOULD BE IN CHARGE OF YOUR HEALTH CARE

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE SOME AFFIRMATIVE ACTION JACKSON OPERATING ON YOUR HEART, YOU RETARD.

Then you're going to die from complications (good).

Goddamn, we moved like 2 months ago, and they're still fucking up our mail. We filled the forms out properly, got them out in time, and they still managed to screw up our mail. That's straight incompetence, son. You want those same idiots working on your dad's brain? More likely, they'll probably get promoted to Regional Manager at my job lol.

ending discrimination leads to more discrimination

First, I would like to seriously acknowledge, and give a shout out to my company for getting something right. It appears this year, one of the new benefits they added, is providing coverage for domestic partnerships.

I'm proud to say I work for a company that provides coverage for those of us in same-sex relationships. By us, I don't mean me, I mean you. Or whoever. Anyway, glad to see they realized it was 2009.

I don't know how the company you work for does their benefits, but like every year or something, we have to re-enroll in our benefit programs. They send out a bunch of mailers, some postcards, a couple emails, and some other bullshit, so we don't forget to sign up.

This year, on one of the postcards I received, I noticed they had some stuff that was new for 2010. One of those things was: domestic partnership benefits now available.

I'm thinking, "FUCK YEAH", domestic partnerships, I can get heckyeahwoman covered under my insurance. Get her some better coverage, and save her a little money. Cause we both know the insurance premiums I pay will come out of my paycheck lol I keep getting hosed.

So I'm getting pumped up like yesterday, ready to sign us both up, and then I see the fine print: same sex domestic partnerships. I don't think heckyeahwoman is a man. And I don't think I'm a woman. Though if she were a man, and I were woman, we'd still be in the same little conundrum, wouldn't we? Indeed we would. Being that we are pretty sure we are not the same sex, these benefits will not apply to us.

I asked if there are benefits for awesome couples who are awesome, engaged, going to be married soon, or generally just kick ass; and of course we were out of luck. My boss asked me if we qualify for common law marriage lol.

Turns out, in an effort to end discrimination, they ceased the discrimination against one particular group, and began the discrimination of another. I really thought about bringing this to HR.

Man, now I know how my boy Kunta Kinte/Toby felt!



Maybe that was in bad taste. Still lols though.