Tuesday, December 17, 2013

i'm not hitler, i swear

The other day at work, somebody compared me to Hitler. Somehow me voicing my desire to not have junkies in my backyard equates me with being a genocidal maniac (context: a co-worker noted an uptick in heroin usage in a neighboring city, and the possibility of a drug that could counteract heroin overdoses. I merely asked if such people that required said drug would be worth saving).

OK, there may have been other things, like my belief that the world is overpopulated, and that I should be in charge of trimming down the world citizenry (latter half kind of in jest). So yeah, I can kinda see how that is Hitler-esque.

Then I just read this ints little article that presents a positive turn in the quest to lower murders in Chicago. Note that "positive turn" denotes the amount of murders being lowered.

Basically, much in the same way marketers and companies track your purchasing habits, this Chicago police chief is tracking gang activity and criminal habits. His data and science driven approach is saving lives by seeing gang members not as predators OR prey, but as both at the same time. Apparently this puts the focus not on arrests, but on saving lives, regardless.

Naturally, there are stop and frisk aspects involved in the decline. I don't know, I' fancy myself a bit Libertarian, and I feel like SaF isn't the worst thing in the world. Then again, I'm a pretty chilled out dude with not a whole lot to hide from the po and if a cop really thought I was worth a frisk, yeah, go ahead, but don't tickle my sack tho.

Assuming that the violence and murder rarely spills out of a certain area of the city, and it sounds like there are certain areas that house most of the crime, I think I'd be OK with that demographic shooting the shit out of each other.

I'm not sure what kind of resources should be applied to segments of the population that have no regard for human life, or any desire to not commit crimes.

Much like my views on abortion (they should be mandatory and much more common), I believe in implementing a Compelled Crime program, where I take unsavory groups of people, re-populate them in a biodome-like structure and feed them all the guns, drugs, and fast food they can handle.

Naturally, this would be filmed and broadcast. But here's the catch: because I am (kind of) against human suffering for monetary profit, I would put it on antenna broadcast, free of commercials, free of interruption. Tell me the idea of a bunch of uneducated, overweight, poor people fighting and killing each other wouldn't be awesome.

I have actually proposed a similar idea to various animal rights groups, but failed to gain traction.

Wait, kinda sounds like a more dystopian Hunger Games. Anybody see Catching Fire?


Jordan said...

I liked this blog better when it was written by Maddox and still called "The Best Page in the Universe" and I was reading it at the age of 13 in the year 2000.

Grow the fuck up, dickhead...being an asshole does not magically equate to being edgy or witty. Not to mention it's so painfully fucking unoriginal.

Ohhhh, "mandatory abortions" and shit. I'm going to shit my pants over how edgy you are. Ha.

This shit is so fucking hacky.

I demand a refund for the time I spent reading this garbage. Please invent a time machine and go back in time to stop yourself from posting such blatant posturing and worthless drivel so I don't have to be sitting here in the present pissed off that the internet enables fucking idiots like you to stroke their fragile egos by helping facilitate the delusion that their stupid ass opinions are worth a good goddamn. They aren't.

P.S. I'm serious about the refund. Better start looking for a flux capacitor, motherfucker.

Jordan's a Cunt said...

Hey Jordan,

I hope your anal fissures get infected and they have to decapitate you.

You're a dumb cunt. Don't bother reading. Stick to stuff like homemade laundry detergent blogs and other bitch blogs that you're more capable of comprehending.

Go Fuck Yourself

Jordan said...

Don't flatter yourself, shithead...suggesting I don't comprehend your shitty blog like you have actually written something even moderately intelligent is quite funny indeed. Your blog is just the mundane, narcissistic chest-thumping of an insignificant, unoriginal little hack who thinks being mildly politically incorrect on a blog post will make his dick a little bigger. It won't. And you're not edgy or interesting or "punk rock". You just come off like an immature asshole.

PS...with all of the cunts you threw at me as well as the comment about laundry detergent and "bitch blogs" seems like you might be under the impression that I'm female. I'm not, but that air of misogyny is appreciated. I'm going to go ahead and add "classless" to the list of adjectives to describe you and your shitty blog.

Seriously...you're the fucking worst.

Jordan said...

PPS...I will say this, though: I appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule of being pleased with yourself to comment back.

heck yeah, man said...

Sorry little guy, this is my first time weighing in here. Thanks for reading, commenting, sharing your novel thoughts, and checking back though!

Jordan's a Cunt said...

Hey Jordan,

Know how I know you're not a man? You assume the author was the one ripping your righteous and holy bitch ass apart. Keep your stupid thoughts to yourself OR go write something dumb on someone's "My Running Life" blog.

People like you are the reason kids make the decision to bring guns to school. You can't read satire and know that it's satire, obviously. Have fun living in your self-righteous shit hole.

Here's to you growing a pair and then having them ripped off by someone you criticized! HAPPY HOLIDAYS, BITCH!

Jordan said...

You're right, I did assume that. From glancing over this blog I saw that there are next to no comments on any of the posts as nobody really gives a shit about this blog (and rightfully so). So when I got a response I figured the only person who could possibly care enough to reply would be the author. I was wrong, and now I get to tell off two shitheads! It's like Christmas came early this year!

To the author: I want to again reiterate that being mildly politically incorrect does not make you clever or edgy. It's clear in your writing how self-satisfied you are, like you think you're doing some real truth-telling and delivering some biting humor. You seem to think you're George Carlin or Louis CK...you're not. You're Daniel fucking Tosh. And while I'm impressed you manage to type up posts while simultaneously patting yourself on the back...that is where your impressiveness ends.

To the author's BFF:
Your friend talking out his ass is pretty fucking far from satire. I'll give you a cookie if you can make a solid argument for any part of this post actually being informed or clever.

To both of you fucks: I know your type. Fucking douchebags of the sort who say boast aloud, " yeah, I can be a bit of an asshole" and then shrug proudly. You're the worst. There's a million fucks out there just like you and they all suck.

Beer said...

I like kitties.

Jordan said...

PS to the author: read a bit of your music post. Apparently you listen to punk...to which I say fuck you. Punk has always been music by the underdog, for the underdog. It's a scene that cares about the little guy, that gives a shit about the marginalized, and the misfits. It's a response to the bullshit status quo and to the shallow nature of mainstream culture. And it thinks authority fucking sucks and isn't afraid to call out abuses of power and privilege. Yet here you are, broadly dismissing the impoverished, marginalized people of Chicago. Here you are shrugging of the abuse of power that is the stop-and-frisk policy. Sounds like the fucking status quo to me. Sounds like the kind of shit my gun-toting, Fox News watching uncle says. It's pretty fucking far from punk. You're about as punk as Donald Trump on a yacht. From me and all the other punks who are worth their fucking patches, here's a big middle finger to you, your little sidekick, and all the other fake ass motherfuckers like you.

heck yeah, man said...

Hat's off to you Jordan, you are a true punk rocker. I am not, and the world will go on, I promise.

Regardless of your intellectual and genetic deficiencies, I appreciate you spending so much time on my blog - reading, stewing, commenting.

As always, thanks for reading!

Beer said...

Jordan, you really lost your cool, guy. You maybe had a point at first, but now you're just the weirdest internet baby. Why are you still here?

Beer said...

Thanks for the music history lesson, though, gg.

Jordan said...

Right. Play it off, guy, but some part of you knows your "satire" is really obvious, hacky, and simple. You must, cuz I mean...you're the one writing this bullshit. And you care about punk or else you wouldn't listen to it; and so when I say you're a fake, play it cool, but you've got to know the idiotic musings of this post would mean getting no respect from a lot of the dudes in your favorite bands, a lot of the dudes at the same shows as you, etc. You know that, right? If not, go to a punk show soon and start talking about how you're ok with stop and frisk.

You sound like a privileged little shit on here. Just wanted to let you know. You're right, I shouldn't have given you the satisfaction of an actual comment and reaction from a reader. I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming of utter indifference from whatever other few poor saps stumble across this tripe.

PS...you're right, I am more punk than you.

PPS...Beer, I'm a little hurt you'd take a swipe at me after all we've been through together, but I forgive you. See you soon.

Anonymous said...

i hope you know i tried to find those pictures, jordan.