heck yeah, man

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: JULIET

2012-02-15T06:39:00.000-05:00

I don't have much to say other than I hate kids, I hate your kids, I hate the kids my parents had, and I will probably hate my own kids.

BUT

I would be PUMPED if my own future child could do something this awesome. I would be so PUMPED.

The part with the stuffed animals on the trampoline gets me every time.

LET'S OPEN UP THIS PIT!!!

*PUMP!!!

Yeah yeah, this vid is a month old or so. Truth is, with Valentine's Day just around the corner, and lots of partying to be done, we're going to have to live off a little less PUMP this week. Think of it as PUMP-FASTING this week to gorge ourselves next week.

weekend wrap up

2012-02-13T06:32:00.004-05:00

This weekend was relatively uneventful. Nothing too crazy, though we did go see our friend's band play in a coffee shop. They were delightfully folksy and sounded right at home there. Great time.

And their set included a Maroon 5 cover. Impossible to go wrong with that.

Then afterwards, I crushed 10 wings and some fried mushrooms while Heckyeahwoman struggled with her delicious burger.

But besides the great tunes, the real highlight of the night came for me about midway through the second set.

I think it was during an Indigo Girls jam when I got up to take a leak. Just a leak, man, didn't expect to have my mind blown.

And I totes don't mean by someone leaving an unflushed wicked brown coil in the terlet. Nah, it actually has to do with the opposite: cleanliness and proper hygiene. Cause if you know me at all, you know I hate filthy, worthless, dirty shitheads. And the only thing that PUMPS me up more than people exercising and eating healthy...is people being clean.

So yeah, the bathroom, right next to the soap dispenser was a printed-out sign instructing each bathroom patron how to master the fine art of hand-washing.

Since my iPhone first gen first won't let me post pictures online, you will have to settle for an approximate recreation of the sign; my commentary is in italics:

WASHING YOUR HANDS furiously bolded and super underlined for emphasis

1. Use water as hot as you can stand or at least 100 degrees. Yeah, it says 100 degrees, but it's pretty obvious the author means scalding.
2. Soap hands and lower forearms. Don't forget the lower forearms!
3. Scrub for 10-15 seconds. No wet n rinse bullshit here.
4. Rinse. Yeah, rinse your hands, you assholes.
5. Dry with paper towel. And DO NOT recycle it.
6. Avoid re-contamination of hands by using paper towel or other barrier to turn off faucet handles. LOVE THIS!

Read it. Savor it.

Complete directions on how to wash your hands, unbelievable. I just love number 6, I do that all the time, but more so when opening the bathroom door to exit.

Now I'm not sure if that particular establishment is really that serious about cleanliness, or if they just think that little of their customers. Either way, it's hard not to support both schools of thought here.

Sunday was pretty standard: exercise, clean/laundry/get loaded. Worth noting though is this chick at the gym. I'd say I've been seeing her at least a couple times a week over the last year or so. And she's gained weight.

Yeah, I know right. Like, she used to be in relatively decent shape, but now she's totally rocking the spare tire. What the hell is wrong with you? How do you exercise semi-regularly and still get fatter?

If I was a lesser man, I'd tell her to her face what a fucking epic fail that is.

If I was a lesser man, I wouldn't have kicked our three-legged cat right in the gut only once.

the end is near

2012-02-10T06:30:00.002-05:00

We've all seen movies, read books (ha maybe not), or probably even had dreams about a future reality where that particular reality comes in usually one or two different versions.

The first has everything run by robots, technology is futuristic, or very advanced, and life is wonderful: nobody has to really think or make choices, they just "do", or live. Entertainment is ultraviolent, like Romans watching lions tear apart living people. Movies like I-Robot, Running Man, and Minority Report come to mind.

The other is a not so wonderful, dystopian type of reality, where future reality is literally a fight for survival. A case where our own technological ambitions wind up leading us into near oblivion. Movies like I Am Legend and The Road come to mind.

Anyway, the movies themselves are not important, what I'm talking about is the idea of either of those future realities.

Sometimes when watching TV, I'll just get a flash of a sick combination of those future realities. A feeling like, "what the fuck am I seeing, where is humanity heading? What the fuck is wrong with people?"

Take for example an ad I just saw for an upcoming MMA fight, featuring clips and stills of two dudes destroying each other. Is this really what our entertainment has devolved into? Watching two grown men, with no better reason than money, pound each other's brains into shit?

Somebody thought this would appeal to the masses. And they were right! It totally appeals to the masses! That's fucked up.

What about the NFL? Will it turn into flag football as it fades into obscurity, while an upstart football league puts on Sunday afternoon highlight reels of dudes taking cleats to their helmet-less heads, and passes that off as football games?

Are we that intellectually deficient that this is what most people would consider a great Saturday night?

I don't know, insane ultraviolence for the sake of money, or more ultraviolence, just seems kind of crazy. And where does it end? In twenty years, will we be regressing into literally throwing a bound man into a ring with a starved homeless bum savage, for Saturday night entertainment?

Maybe fans of MMA are mostly comprised of the typical slovenly, lazy masses that never had a chance to kick someone's ass in high school, and just want a violent, adrenaline-rush escape from their cubicle-based existence. I don't know. But there's no question that pro-MMA fighters are fantastic athletes in peak shape. Why squander that on violence for entertainment?

I'd honestly rather see a serious athlete get sponsored to do something unviolently crazy. Like, I'd totally watch a live stream of someone climbing Mt. Everest and then tumbling/bouncing/kinda rolling all the way down to his or her death.

Bottom line: I hate most people and would love to see many regions of the world extirpated, but I'm super worried about what it would say about me if I was super PUMPED about paying a one time fee of $19.95 plus tax for a live stream of it.

Maybe I'm just a huge pussy. Haha yeah right.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: SUPER BOWL

2012-02-08T06:39:00.001-05:00

The Super Bowl is over.

The Giants are champions - that's great. Congrats to them.

It was fun and all, but what did we do after the Super Bowl?

We obviously watched the season premier of The Voice!

Ok, that commercial is pretty stupid. And I was actually so loaded that I don't even remember anything from the show.

But I do remember one thing, what we did during the show. We breaded our three-legged stupid cat!

Wait, what? You what'd your three-legged stupid cat?

We BREADED her!

See how PUMPED little dumb Meow Meow looks as we put the bread on her.

Clearly that is too cute not to do to our one and a half year old son, Orange Guy. So we breaded him furiously too!

He's just loving the breading-action.

Almost as much as we love it. And because we're not savages, we used a very delicious asiago-cheese-peppercorn fancy bread. Only the best for our cat-people-children.

Right when you think things in your life are getting crappy, just remember that you're probably not a cat, and probably not getting breaded by your parents.

Who knows, maybe you are. Either way, you should be PUMPED about it.

cruise vacation!

2012-02-06T06:32:00.004-05:00

How about that nice little weekend. It was over before it began. Probably felt that way because I went in on Saturday.

Keeping with the work theme, lettuce jump right into it.

I'm so sorry for these conversation-themed posts, but I've been either making stuff up, or hearing just the funniest snippets. And they're making me chuckle. And I'm all about me right now. Right meow.

So there I was at work, finding myself accidentally tuning into a conversation a couple cubes down. Turns out a lady had just gone on a cruise, and she was telling a fellow co-worker about it. I silently joined probably midway through, right when I heard someone ask about the average age of the cruise-goers.

Even kind of stranger, was the answer: lightly stifled laughter.

...followed by an awkward silence.

And then her final answer, an unconvincing "it was nice".

Jumping right to the moneyshot question, the kind listener probes her deeply: "would you do it again?"

"the pause 2"

And you can't have a moneyshot question without a moneyshot answer: "I'm not sure."

HAHAHAHAHA OWNED

the case for lower urinals

2012-02-03T06:39:00.001-05:00

While peeing at work the other day, standing up, I had a startling realization: the average setting height of urinals should be universally lowered to that of a standard child's urinal.

Sounds weird right? Yeah, but the two urinals in each (men's) bathroom at work are at different heights and I always find myself using the lower one. Below you'll find solid, if not childish reasoning why there should be a federal mandate (man-date) for lower urinals.

The splish-splash factor.

I walk away from the lower urinals with a lot less pee-splash on my hands than I do when I pee at the higher urinals. Physics tells you that there's gonna be splash no matter what the height of the urinal is. And with the lower height, more splash goes onto my pants. And that's where we want it.

Now that may not seem like a good thing, more pee splashing on the pants. But dude, I eat with my hands. Totally can't remember the last time I ate with my pants. Even worse, with all the gross weirdos that pee at work, molecules of their pee are also being splashed back onto me as my Adonis-like stream of liquid gold urine ricochets off the urinal and agitates the pee-particles of others right up into the world and onto me and mine. Would you rather have my pee on your hands or your pants?

Bottom line, the higher urinal splashes more urine per second, onto greater heights, than the lower one. And with the amount of simian troglodyte fucks that somehow manage to actively refrain from washing their hands, we need to help them keep as much excrement off their hands as we can. Cause those assholes are always touching stuff.

And of course we can't neglect the cliche "I need more room for my dong" argument.

Viva la lower urinal terlets!

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: SHOPPING!

2012-02-01T06:30:00.008-05:00

Dog.

Listen.

We're serious here. Seriously ready to get PUMPED. It's early February and the weather has been WARM AS FUCK. Like it's colder laying in my bed than it is outside. Wrap your head around that. Or don't, because our landlord controls the thermostat and doesn't believe in heat.

Global warming may be a hoax, but it's here and hitting hard this winter - super warm, hardly any snow, hatred simmering below the surface everywhere you look.

But check this out, ferk the weather, we're talking about shopping here.

I love shopping and I love buying stuff. Heckyeahwoman would gladly skip the shopping part if she could fast forward to the buying stuff part.

That's not the point, the point is that this has been good last couple of days, shopping-wise. On Saturday, I bought a computer (scroll down a post to get the low down on that). But not just that, I bought my first laptop. I am now posting from it. In fact, Monday's post about my new laptop is my first post with the new laptop.

METAPUMP

No more banging on my keyboard because my shitty adapter isn't catching the landlord's wifi signal. No more constant crashing, just NONSTOP STREAMING PORN IN HD MOTHERFUCKERS (sorry mom).

What, just cause I maxed out my credit card last weekend doesn't mean I'm gonna stop SPENDIN' SPENDIN' SPENDIN'! Nah, I've come too far to let up now. The PUMP is PUMPIN'.

The spendboner may be raging.

MOAR SHOPPING

Today we are heading to JC Penneys to hit up their new pricing structure. Yes, JCP is changing up their every day pricing - so that every item is at least 40% off. You may recall me noting that I CONSTANTLY RECEIVE COUPONS FROM the P.

Well that's going to come to an end in favor at least 40% off everything! YES! See, they recently got a new CEO, a dude from Apple and Target, and he's employing a new pricing structure to drum up more business. I can't say that I'm not PUMPED.

I can't say that you shouldn't be PUMPED.

New jeans, a sweet handkerchief, maybe a new bow tie or tie, maybe the illest wingtips ever, I don't even know, but I'm shopping furiously tonight after work.

And yo

YAO

You know we need that soundtrack to the SHOPOPPUNKPUMP

Too catchy for you, bros?

Get that melodic hardcore punk then, friends. And get PUMPED.

AND DON'T FORGET YOUR ROOTS!

PUMP! DON'T FORGET YOUR PUMP!

HUUUUMP DAY PUUUUMP UUUUUUHHHH UUUUHHH UUUPPP

computer shopping

2012-01-30T06:23:00.002-05:00

So last week my desktop damn near died. You probably read about it on the HDPDown. If not, do it here.

Anyway, looking at the potentiality of owning my very first laptop, I wanted to go shopping to get a feel for what I could possibly be buying. And because I'm old. Don't worry, I did a bunch of research on the fancy internet so I had an idea of what I should be looking for.

What we'll be reading here next is a brief account of each of my excursions into the real world, into society, to physically check out some laptops. From the depressing lows of my first shopping jaunt, to the soaring highs of my final shopping escapade, come with me into the wicked underbelly of laptop sales at electronics stores.

Best Buy was the first place I hit. A pretty logical place to start, right? Yeah, I though so too. Then I entered the computer section. Nary a blue-polo'd nerd around. Toshibas, Dells, Sonys, Samsungs, oh my. After looking around longingly for an employee, I employed my next trick, sure to get the attention of the next portly internerd ready to sell me an e-machine: progressively typing on the keyboard louder and louder until I'm approached.

Sadly, and unsurprisingly, this didn't work. After looking around for about 20 mins, and with nobody to answer my questions, or SELL ME A FUCKING COMPUTER, I split. It was fucking raining out too, boo.

Over the weekend I had more time to get my notebook shop on.

Saturday afternoon I popped by OfficeMax. And I thought getting somebody to talk to me was tough at Best Buy - one must be careful what one wishes for. After a while of the same schtick I employed at Best Buy, I did find one employee. Who referred me to another employee. Who referred me to another employee.

An employee that turned out to be a little shithead punk that I wouldn't even buy a pack of gum from.

Long story short, I just wanted to check out a specific computer because it had a specific audio system that I wanted to hear, you know, see if it really did sound better than the typical laptop audio. AND THE MOTHERFUCKER TOLD ME HE COULDN'T SHOW ME BECAUSE THE COMPUTERS WERE ONLY ON DISPLAY TO SHOW CANNED, GENERIC DEMOS. Like, that special audio system, Beats Audio, is a major selling point of that multimedia-focused laptop!

After he informed me of the frustratingly funny news, I asked him if he was serious. An affirmative response prompted me to laugh and tell him that's awesome. Then it prompted me to head to Old Navy and buy a dope new shirt. #haha

NEXT.

I went back to Best Buy because as luck would have it, I overlooked a laptop on my first trip that I decided I needed to check out. Turns out, the highlight of that visit was actually in the musical instruments department. Yeah, your boi jumped on a $6600 drum kit and wailed away for a good 15 minutes lol. I'm outtie.

Third and final big-box electronic computer selling store: Office Depot! Yes. No. Wow. The parking lot was barren. Wasteland, dystopia, scary. Inside the store wasn't too much better. But the manager there was a good guy, and after talking to me for a few minutes, pointed me exactly to the two models that I wanted to check out. And holy shit were they on sale, a sale that ended that day. Ruh-Roh! #ClassicSalesTrickOfInstillingUrgency

Long story short, I got some more info, played around with them, went home and did a little more research to see which one would be better, made a decision, confirmed with Heckyeahwoman, creeped back to THE DEPOT, and bought a fuckin' laptop, dogs.

Lol, when I was checking out, the dude asked me if my wife gave me a limit, and I think he was surprised with my answer: "actually, she'll probably tell me that I should have spent more and bought more computer lol." AND Yeah, that lol was def in there, from one grown ass man to another.

But let's be real here - the only reason I wanted a laptop, besides Heckyeahwoman telling me repeatedly that I should buy one, is so I can go to a coffee shop and surf the interwebs just like all the cool people. #shaggyhair #doubleicedmochalatte'spresso

But what about the rest of the weekend? Ha, fuggit, I was laptoppin' from Saturday evening on. BOOM, I bet we can only imagine what this week's HDPU will be all about.

restaurant fantasy

2012-01-27T06:33:00.001-05:00

I've seen countless married couples at restaurants and you have no idea how many times I've envisioned, no, fantasized about a conversation like this - me going up to their table and, well, opening a dialogue:

Excuse me, sir, I'm sorry to bother you - hope your meal was great, those ribs look like they were dynamite. (looking shyly at dude's female companion, almost whispering), hi sorry to intrude.

But sir, I've got to ask, you're totally married to her, right?

Yes, yes I am. That's my wife. Why do you ask?

I could just tell by that disinterested look on your face the entire time that she was talking to you, that you are married to her. That she's your wife. Enjoy the rest of your meal, cheers.

:/

HUMP DAY PUMP UP

2012-01-25T06:41:00.004-05:00

Even though things in my life are generally looking up, it's nice to keep perspective. With that said, please allow me to rain on your parade with a couple wet, sloppy shits of typed-up bad news.

First, Prince Fielder just signed with the Detroit Tigers. Kinda good because he's out of the NL, and not really on a contender. But kinda bad because he showed that he really is a money hungry whoreslut. I hope he breaks vedge on a salmonella-tainted chicken wing.

OWNED.

Whatever though, the Tigers way overpaid for his services (sup, you think you're the Angels, bros?) - over $200 million for nine years. I'm not sure if the Tigers are blind, but someone that overweight should never be paid over $200 million for nine years to do anything that doesn't require a lot of sitting.

And we're still dealing with the fallout from the Ryan Braun alleged 'roid rage/herp-derp meds scandal.

On the plus side, the Brew Crew signed former Cubs player Aranus Ramirez. Note the spelling of the first name, non-sports fans; his name is Aramis. I made a funny haha.

Next, and way more importantly, my computer almost died. Like, I thought it was a goner. Then somehow I got home this evening, and here it is, working. Like nothing ever happened.

So now I'm in the market for a laptop. But not just any laptop. My brother got a new one that has HD and 3-D. It was sweet. I want one like that.

But at probably around $2,000, that probably won't happen, cause Heckyeahwoman immediately vetoed that idea. In fact, right after I asked her, I've never seen such a pretty face turn sour so fast. She didn't even have to speak and I knew I wasn't getting a sick 3-D, HD computer-machine-from-the-future.

PUMPDOWN, FRIENDS

To be fair, we both agreed that I would probably never use either of the 3-D or HD features cause I don't watch movies or game furiously on my laptop. Fuck you, sound logic and good judgement. For real, fuck you both and you better start leaving my wife alone.

And for some reason, my computer hates youtube vids, so when my buddy sent me a link to the following vid, and I opened it, my computer peculiarly crashed so hard like right away. Needless to say, I'm pretty pissed at my friend.

SO PISSED THAT I'M GOING TO JOIN HIM AND HIS WIFE AND MY WIFE AT THIS TASTY ETHIOPIAN RESTAURANT THAT WE'VE BEEN WANTING TO HIT. AND WE'LL PROBABLY HAVE A NICE DINNER.

Yeah pussies.

And cause you know we hate to end on a sour note:

OK and we're on a roll here:

Those last two videos were done by the dude who is responsible for this classic 90's album/song/band!

Sorry I jacked off outside your window!

lost on many

2012-01-23T06:36:00.000-05:00

Banks, man. Corporations.

Yeah dude, the bad guys.

Hey man, I'm Brad, what's your name?

I'm Parker, nice to meet you Brad.

Man, lemme get a heater, I've been out here protesting all week and haven't been able to get to the 7-11.

No problem (handing the cigarette).

(lighting and taking a puff) Mmm, that's got a pretty good flavor, what is this, a Camel Light? I usually smoke Marb Lights.

Yeah, they were on sale at the BP, buy one get one.

Nice, may have to swing by later. Oh dude, I've got a cooler-full of High Lifes, let's go grab a couple.

Awesome! Did you get on their email list to get that $5-off coupon when you buy two cases?

Yeah! Sweet!

I got that too, but I'm out of cash and stupid Bank of America is gonna charge me $2.50 to use the ATM down the block! Can you believe they're going to charge me a nominal fee to conveniently access my money, rather than carrying my entire checking balance around with me wherever I go!?

Right. I'm with them too, do all my banking, my 401k retirement fund, my car loan, and they're trying to charge me ATM fees!

Crooks!

Criminals!

Dude let's check out the Honda booth and then walk over to get some free Red Bull samples at their table.

Fuck yeah.

Anyway, if you want a funny snapshot of that whole debacle, click here.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD! / regular post

2012-01-20T06:36:00.004-05:00

Today is my dad's birthday. Please join me in wishing HeckyeahDad a happy birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD! I hope you have a great day and "The Gift" should be arriving sometime today!

And with no association to my father's birthday today, please keep reading for the first ever HAHA YOU'RE DEAD!

We should first note that we hate to find joy in people dying (OK that's not totally true). Most of the people below had family that surely mourns their passing, with Amy Winehouse of course being the exception.

While we're not celebrating the death of the following people per se, we're celebrating the mourning of their adoring fans. We're celebrating idols when idols meet their mortality, and the ensuing, yet always laughable grief of their worshipers.

If you find being dead to be in poor taste, you might look elsewhere. You might also start trying to come to grips with it, because sooner or later you yourself are gonna be in poor taste, tasting poorly.

First up, we have a famous atheist that is famous for being an atheist, Christopher Hitchens. He is proof positive that boldly promoting your atheism, and then mentioning it again and again is a surefire way to be taken serious by people that fancy themselves intellectuals.

To be honest, I often confuse Mr. Hitchens with another famous atheist that is famous for being an atheist, Michael Shermer. And while I have met Mr. Shermer, even joked with him to the abject horror of my wife, well, that's about it really.

Considering his furious atheism, I find it kind of funny that as I type this up, I'm sitting here cursing the fact that I'm running dangerously low on whiskey: "goddamnit". Goddamnit, Mr. Hitchens, goddamnit indeed.

Also meeting her demise in the previous annum, my favorite junkie and yours, Amy Winehouse. As famous for her crappy music as for keeping the tabloids in business from 2007 - 2011 with her drinkin' and a-druggin' she met her END with booze and drugs, or maybe just booze. Or maybe a chainsaw to the face. #wishfulthinking

Check out this gem from E! Online:

British coroner Suzanne Greenway announced today that the 27-year-old suffered a "death by misadventure" on July 23, and that her passing was an "unintended consequence" of accidental alcohol poisoning.

Death by misadventure. Would love some clarification on that great new term.

I don't care, sometimes I thought she was kinda hot. And you know what else, Adele is way better at music, and if she (Adele) lost a little bit of weight, she'd be way hotter too. Until then, I gotta go with junkie chic over chubby redhead.

Apologies, this is about Amy Winehouse and celebrating her...dismemory? Unlegacy? Scraggly, floppy, dangly bananaboobies?

And the creme de la creme of deaths that are awesome because people sucked at the dong of the deceased in question: Steve Jobs.

The sheer fact that a book about Steve Jobs, his biography, can be found at Urban Outfitters is reason enough to celebrate. If you die, and your biography is on sale at Urban Outfitters for something crazy like $34.99, you fucking suck. End of story. If you are price gouging hipster dipshits even from the afterlife, I really - wait a minute, that's fucking awesome.

Steve Jobs, sorry you died, bro.

HUMP DAY PUMP DOWN

2012-01-18T06:34:00.000-05:00

THE BRONCOS LOST

THE PACKERS LOST

ELI MANNING LOOKS LIKE A SPOILED LITTLE SHIT

HUGE UNPUMP THIS WEEK :(

We'll be back on Friday with either a great story about the shitty movie we watched last weekend, a philosophiclol look at MMA, or maybe even the first ever entry into our soon-to-be-famous haha you're dead series.

Until then, just remember:

a brief exchange (for real)

2012-01-13T06:32:00.001-05:00

Excuse me sir, do you know where da elevator at?

I'm sorry, what?

Da elevator, where it be at?

Oh haha, da elevator! There are some stairs right over here; (noticing an immediate frown) the elevator is actually not in this wing; here, I'll walk you over.

I'ma walk witchu den.

Yeah, walk with me, I'll show you where it is. Let me show you who I am.

Who?

Haha I was just kidding, here, there's the elevator, need help operating it?

Thanks!

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: FOOTBALL

2012-01-11T06:32:00.002-05:00

We all saw the EPIC football this past weekend. That said, I just have one thing to say.

HAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU HINES WARD YOU DIRTY FUCK!

BOOM TIM TEBOW 80 YARDER TO DEMARYIUS THOMAS FOR THE WIN IN OT MFERS! (ALL CAPS ALL DAY)

Gotta be careful, I'm not looking to piss Ben Roethlisberger off too much. Gotta walk on glass around him. Just one little thing could set him off ON A FULL BLOWN RAPE-FRENZY IN THE GREATER SHITSBURGH AREA! PUMP!

Kind readers, please know that rape isn't funny. We'd like to take a minute here to warn the lovely (and not so lovely) ladies of Steel Town to watch out for a 260 pound woman-grabber. He may be horny. And pissed.

Two things that are definitely not mutually exclusive here.

YOU'D THINK THAT 24 SECOND VIDEO IS ALL WE'D NEED TO SUFFICIENTLY PUMP US THROUGH THE REST OF THE WEEK, RIGHT? NAH NOT ON MY WATCH!

BACK TO THE PUMP!

OK AND BECAUSE TIM TEBOW IS EVERYTHING THAT IS RIGHT IN THE WORLD, WE GOT A REMIX OF ONE OF THE PUMPIEST SONGS OF ALL TIME - ABOUT, YEP, TIM TEBOW!

Last thing here!

..featuring TIM TEBOW! Nothing PUMPIER IN THE WORLD THAN SEEING A BUTCH LESBO AND AN ANDROGYNOUS PERSON GETTING THEIR PANTIES IN A BUNDLE OVER THE GREATEST FOOTBALL PLAYER TO WALK THE EARTH! AND THEN DIE, THEN RISE AGAIN LOL!

Yeah yeah, Rachel Maddow and any of her guests, easy target. Blah blah, I know, but the first 20 seconds are hilarious, when they have a near meltdown over Tim Tebow believing in something as silly as the Purple Unicorn under my porch. But what about his merit as a player?

"Tim Tebow doethn't make it the NFL; it'th becauthe he can't break a pane-glattthh window wifth a football". You're wrong! He does make it in the NFL, see that PLAYOFF GAME HE JUST WON YOU FUCKING PUSSIES! Most yards per completion ever! 125.something QB Rating!

Twinkie twink thinks he actually has about as much a chance as Tim Tebow starring as an NFL quarterback, an unbiathed view, jutht ath a thporth guy. Wait, guy? I thought he was a she!

See above, fruitloop!

The week is about half over. More football this weekend. And oh god a Packers game! I smell a SUPER PUMP coming next week. Unless of course if the Broncos and Packers both lose, we'll probably all kill ourselves TWICE AS HARD, CAUSE THAT'S HOW PUMPED WE GET!

overheard at the gym

2012-01-09T06:32:00.002-05:00

Oh God, speaking of the gym, I recently overheard a pretty something depressing in the locker room.

"I just, you know, stayed home, did Christmas here, by myself."

Mere text can not express the longing for a family that was so audible in his voice.

It's been an eventful week at the gym with the recent mean mugger failure and then this. I can't wait to see what this week brings!

What to look for in the coming year: the Heckyeahs received a meat grinder and sausage maker for X-mas; I am fully planning on making sausages and brats and sausages and brats. Pretty sure that will be documented here.

Also, I just bought a sick pea coat at the the Gap for like 35 bones. Super PUMPED because I've wanted a pea coat for a long time.

bullshit gets up and walks around

mean mugger gone soft

2012-01-06T06:39:00.000-05:00

A couple weeks ago we posted a little facebook status update that went a little something like this:

swarthy dude mean muggin' me from the comfort of his white 2007 toyota camry apreesh. #NicePumas,Bro #FamilySedansGoneWild

You remember that?

Probably not.

Anyway, the mean mugger was back in action the other day at the gym. Though this time he wasn't protected by the lush surroundings of his white 2007 Toyota Camry.

See, I was at one of the cable machines doing like my millionth fucking cable row when I see him walk up to the other cable and set up like a bar or something. He did a couple reps then went on his way.

Presumably to go raping.

Before long, I see him walking back to the cable with a dumbell full of weights, looks like homeboy gonna do some supersettin'. Righteous, bro.

Only before he could get back to his previously swarthed up cable machine, some little bearded, jewey lookin' twerp jumped out from nowhere and kifed the machine. Wow, just jumped right on it and went to town on his bis and tris. Blastin'.

Seeing this, I spun around right quick to get a front row eyeful of the ensuing confrontation.

Mean Mugger sees dude on his machine and just as innocently turns around and heads back off into the depths of the gym.

What a fucking pussy! He's going to hide behind a goddamn family sedan and mean mug at me ridin' dirty in my manly car, but the minute he's exposed and naked, he's turns into a giant VAG!

And speaking of exposed and naked - one time in the locker room he walked to the shower and back three (3) times, wearing - well, partly wearing - just a towel. Serial weirdo.

HDPU: POLITICAL PUMP

2012-01-04T06:27:00.001-05:00

What with the eve of the Iowa cockasses upon us, I thought it appropriate to whip out that always lovable, always reliable, POLITICAL PUMP!

Remember when the atheist messiah was elected president by something insane like 80-90% of African Americans?

Remember that?

Well as racist as those voters were then, there was a silver lining!

And it comes in the form of a huge POLITICAL PUMP:

Obama’s policies have been far worse for black people than Bush’s policies. Black unemployment in 2007 was just over 8%, yet under Obama unemployment in the black community has doubled. If anybody has a reason not to vote for Obama, it’s black people.

We hopin', we changin', we gettin' all kinds of PUMPED UP 'round here! What? As a white dude, you think that I'm going to be pissed about African-Americans installing media-approved (and sponsored), cultural, widespread racism on a huge level?

PUMP NO! You shoulda seen me back in '92 with my David Duke t-shirts!

Don't worry, we got A BIPARTISAN BUTT-PUMP RIGHT HERE! While Barry was doing his best George Dubya impression for four years, we got Rick "that fucked up, creepy face of mine is leading the I'm-a-goddamn-weirdo-charge" Sanitorum trying to capitalize on his fifteen minutes of fame as we're seeing him make one final, yet feeble, push for fourth place in Iowa.

Politics aside, there is something wrong with that weirdo.

You know we're not gonna do a POLITICAL PUMP without a plug for my man, Ron Paul! Many times Dr. Paul has been lauded for his loyal, deep following, with the pundits crediting his strong presence on social media sites.

Actual substance and integrity aside, the picture below demonstrates the good doctor taking that extra step, to really reach out to that 80-90% of a certain demographic, through no fault of his own, that he just couldn't reach last time around.

The following picture shows him really appealing to the academic-elite progressive crowd that hates nothing more than their fellow crackers. Next thing you know homeboy might be sportin' a huge "D" pin on his lapel.

Hey PUMP YOU, I'm all about SELLING OUT IN THE NAME OF THE PUMP!

Listen, while yeah, your vote doesn't mean shit, if you live in Iowa, and I'm sorry if you do, still go out and vote. Feel better about yourself. Pretend that you made a difference.

But if you're gonna vote for anybody but Ron Paul, maybe actually just stay home ;)

great commentary

2012-01-02T06:22:00.005-05:00

Yeah so I hope everybody had a great NYE with plenty of the three b's: blow, bitches, and buffalo wings.

Some of you don't know me in real life, so you'd probably be surprised to learn that I'm a pretty timid dipshit that is pretty much afraid of his own shadow. Surely you can imagine my terror when I learn't that our plans consisted of going out for dinner at an Indian restaurant with our good friends, and then heading back to their crib for a crazy NYE party.

See, no matter how much I love it, Indian food usually gives me insane 'rrhea, and I am very nervous about FUCKING SHITTING anywhere other than my own toilet.

As luck would have it, I ate a sensible amount of my moderately spicy dish, had leftovers, and was able to enjoy the rest of the night in furious HYM fashion (titties, whiskey, drugs, etc.), sans the usual scorched-porcelain/anus-excretions.

We'll have more holiday stories later, but for now, lettuce turn our attention to a recent comment on one of my older posts.

Christ, back in October, I posted a few generalizations about various fans of certain authors and other things. Imagine the smile on my face when I see, a couple months later, my friend *** dropping some knowledge in the comments section.

Read on, friends:

Anonymous said...: some facts about jack kerouac. he died at 47 BECAUSE HE WAS SO FUCKING DRUNK ALL THE FUCKING TIME. he also did shit tons of drugs. he wrote "on the road" on one giant roll of paper in three weeks. in on the road when theyre in mexico they totally take over a whorehouse for an afternoon, smoking a joint so big its rolled in a BROWN PAPER BAG. in desolation angels he writes about fucking the shit out of a 14yrold hoer and then covering his junk in magical anti-skank creme so his wang doesnt fall off. and so on, and so forth. anyway, pretty good reads overall.

kurt vonnegut is too optimistic/humanitarian by far, but that doesn't mean you cant enjoy, for instance, time travel, aliens, and PTSD in "slaughterhouse five" or various doomsday scenarios like ice-9 and the the remnants of humanity evolving into flatulent seal-like creatures. or how about (from wikipedia entry on breakfast of champions): "Dwayne reads the novel, which purports to be a message from the Creator of the Universe explaining that the reader - in this case Dwayne - is the only individual in the universe with free will. Everyone else is a robot. Dwayne believes the novel to be factual and immediately goes on a violent rampage, severely beating his son, his lover, and nine other people before being taken into custody." best if read before age 16 (which is invariably the case).

palahniuk: is a douche, mental masturbation for 15yrold boys. "i hate my dad, the modern world is really getting me down, im so edgy that high school kids might punch each other or put their asshole on pool filters or whatever the fuck"

network tv: waste of life, try sleeping, fucking, or playing russian roulette as a solo drinking game instead of watching anything on tv.

woohoo im commenting, look at me go!!!; December 23, 2011 11:18 AM

Considering the expertise *** displayed in the area now known as "douchey authors", I have turned over the password to this blog and he will now be fully responsible for carrying on the fine literary tradition at HYM.

top 7 of 2011

2011-12-30T06:36:00.011-05:00

OK it was a shitty year in music so we're only going to have like a top 7! For now. This number could change because I'm literally scouring the internet for anything that may have come out this year that I maybe listened to.

Sometimes I think I'm getting too old to listen to music.

First, we'll give an honorable mention to The Warriors for putting out See How You Are. I didn't even listen to that album at all. But I did listen to Beyond the Music, one of their last ones, a shitload and that album is awesome. Totally been meaning to check out their latest lol.

Second honorable mention goes to Chamberlain, easily one of my all time favorite bands. And one of the all time best bands ever, and that's a fact. They put out a seven inch this year or last, and I think it featured a couple new songs. After singer David Moore dabbled in VH1 style adult contemporary, which was surprisingly good, he decided to reform Chamberlain - wise move. The band is packed with talented musicians and David Moore's singing is top notch, but his lyrics are just fantastic. Wow.

Shit and I just forgot, one of my friends put out a new album with his band, Cutman. I haven't heard the entire thing, but they dropped a new song a couple months ago, and it was dope. Burly post hardcore Gainesville punk rock bearded-sounding awesome. Sick drumming, bros.

Top 7 or so of 2011:

7. Hate Eternal - Phoenix Amongst the Ashes

This is an album that I listened to a lot, but couldn't really pick out a song from this album, verses any of their other albums. But I think that's more a product of the CONSTANT FUCKING UNRELENTING BLASTING AND BRUTALITY. When Haunting Abound came out six months ago, I was all kinds of amped - it smoked. Then the album came out, I downloaded, enjoyed, but haven't really thought much else about it. In fact, I picked up their earlier album, used, The Fury & The Flames, which has just a crushing production.

7. Exhumed - All Guts, No Glory

Another album I've spent a lot of time with, but haven't really digested. When I put it on at work, my output goes way up. So I guess this album makes the cut purely because I listened to it more than others lol. I'm not a huge goregrind/deathgrind fan, but as a fan of heavy metal in general, it's hard not to like this gem.

7. Woe – Quietly, Undramatically remix

Again, this came out in 2010, but got a sweet remix in 2011, so we're counting it! Angry, vicious black metal with fantastic musicianship, a furious punk rock edge and beautiful cover art. The title track is one of the best songs I've heard all year; it is a perfect summation of all the greatness contained within. And speaking of the title, there is nothing quiet or undramatic about how awesome this album is. If you're not all that familiar with black metal, much like myself, this is about as good a place to start as any.

6. Terror – Keepers of the Faith

OK, this actually came out in late 2010, but they re-released it last month. So considering the shitty year in music, this counts as a 2011 release! You probably already know who Terror is, and after their last album, you may have written them off as a once great band that devolved into fast, thrashy hardcore with the angriest vocals ever. Turns out, you'd be right and wrong. Frontman Scott Vogel presents a bunch more super-pissed songs that PUMP ME UP SO FURIOUSLY. While the last album had more filler, this album just cranks up the rage for each song, leaving you with one, maybe two actual filler songs. Songs like Stick Tight, Return to Strength and The Struggle were written for the pit. And check the old school punk rock vibe I get on You're Caught. I think they switched guitar players since the last album, and while dude is still cranking out the thrashy riffs, these tend to be more memorable, in turn really helping the songs stick in your head. PISSED.

5. Adele – 21

Adele, your pretty face don't match those nasty ass fake fingernails you sometimes sport. My attention was caught by Rolling in the Deep, and the rest is history. She put together a fantastic album of, I don't know, soul-pop? But not that Amy Winehouse shit, nah, Adele can actually sing. And she does. And then she does some more. You've heard her radio hits and you can rest assured that the rest of the album is equally as fantastic. A very mellow cover of The Cure's Lovesong was a nice touch. Lol at the bonus "live" Someone Like You track that sounds EXACTLY like the album cut.

4. Screeching Weasel - First World Manifesto

Ben Weasel punched a chick. And SW put out their first new album in a bunch of years. And not surprisingly, it sounds just like a Screeching Weasel album, which, just in case you're wondering, is a good thing. Mr. Weasel hasn't lost a beat, or a boxing match, and cranks out the Ramonesy pop punk tunes just the way we want him to. You know, I've always liked Ben Weasel; dude writes a catchy ass song, he's witty as hell and never really gives a crap what anybody else thinks. And if he keeps putting out fantastic albums like this, he can beat on all the slores he wants.

3. Strung Out - Top Contenders

Strung Out can do no wrong. They put out a "best of" album this year, and as expected, every song is great. But they went a little further - they remixed each of the songs. And they sound awesome. Fucking awesome. Even included are a couple (three) new songs, that sound just like they were cut during the Agents of the Underground sessions - poppier and more melodic. The song selection is pretty good, with the playlist reading like a live set list. Of course when you've been a band for 20 years or something, your greatest hits isn't going to please everybody. You know you didn't even have to ask: they kick things off with Firecracker and end it with Matchbox. Great songs, great band - one of my all time favorites.

2. Trapped Under Ice - Big Kiss Goodnight

This album smokes. Easily the hardest thing I've heard all year. If you have any interest in modern hardcore and wore out your Terror records, TUI is the band you need to hear. Building on their NYHC-by-way-of-Baltimore sound, they've added progressive flourishes without being, well, pussy. Clean vocals find their way into a few songs, but we're not talking arena-rock choruses, nah, just enough to remind you of the dude from Leeway, then they get back to the beatdown. They lyrics are surprisingly introspective, while still retaining their trademark tough as nails aesthetic. Very few bands make such hard music so catchy. Get this now.

1. Mariachi el Bronx - II

This is a mariachi album. As far as I know, it's traditional mariachi music. See, The Bronx is a punk band from LA that decided to complement their live sets with acoustic sets. But they thought that was boring, so they did mariachi sets instead. I guess the response was positive enough for them to put out an entire Mariachi album. Then they put out this one. Having never listened to mariachi music before, I was quite taken aback by how catchy and awesome this is. They obviously incorporate the pop sensibilities from their main band, and I think that's what really makes this a winner. Each song by itself is great; in the context of an entire album, this could be the soundtrack to a Quentin Tarantino film. Fantastic all around.

POST HOLIDAY PUMP

2011-12-28T06:31:00.005-05:00

Well I don't know where you are, but I'm just arriving back into town after an insane holiday week and a half.

Coming up on Friday, we've got my favorite albums of 2011!

I think it fitting that we should load up the last HUMP DAY PUMP UP of 2011 with some of THE PUMPIEST JAMS FROM THIS YEAR. Well, not from just this year, just the tunes that PUMPED ME UP THE MOST.

Let's kick things off with the officially PUMPIEST and MOST TIMES PUMPED vid on this blog. We have been jocking The Promise's My True Love literally for years now.

And for good reason.

Who doesn't love to listen to a grown man yell about his true love? Even if it is a funny subculture dedicated to not drinking, not drugging and not having promiscuous sex UNPUMP :(

Words can not describe how furiously I living room mosh when Heckyeahwoman isn't home!

Not down for some good old fashioned hardcore? Picture this:

Super handsome dude walking down the aisle, about to sign his live over to a hot chick ten times smarter than he. Imagine, no, SAVOR, the look on this gentleman's very soon to be mother in law's face when THIS SONG STARTS UP!

Not only is this a ridiculous song, but it was the last thing I heard before I lost my ability to plow all the bitches' bowels. Seriously, I was so PUMPED while this song was playing, it was all a blur thecokehelpedtoo.

This next jam, if you don't know this riff, get outta here. Second straightedge anthem out of three? Hmmmm...is somebody making a serious lifestyle change for 2012?

FUCK NO, I love to be PUMPED and some of the PUMPIEST bands get their PUMPS from not being PUMPED about things that other people are SUPER TOO PUMPED for. You follow that?

If you look me in the eye and honestly tell me that a chubby, down-syndrome looking Karl Buechner screaming, "STREET BY STREET, BLOCK BY BLOCK, TAKING IT ALL BAAAAAACK....A FIRESTORM TO PURIFY!" doesn't PUMP YOU UP, you can look forward to a relatively PUMP-FREE 2012.

Remember, on Friday, my favorite albums of 2011! Don't sleep, twinks!

happy holidays :(

2011-12-26T06:25:00.002-05:00

Hey I hope everybody had a great and safe holiday. And that continues (but abruptly ends) going into the new year.

Hopefully some of you even got to nail your hot second cousin.

We got a SUPER PUMPY YULETIDE HDPU coming up on HUMP DAY, then on Friday we'll have the annual top ten (or seven, this shitty year) albums of the year. Actually, I can't even promise seven.

But for now here's just a little peek into the heckyeah's personal lives; this is kind of what our holiday looks like:

HOLIDAYPUMP

2011-12-21T06:28:00.001-05:00

The holidays are upon us!

And that means holiday music!

NO doubt the best holiday song I've ever heard. And it's not even the full version!

And speaking of holiday music, HOLIDAYBONER ALERT!

Yeah yeah, she married Nick "the shrimp" Cannon, but still. Mariah is like 65+ and still hot!

OH SANTA!

YYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Real quick little PUMP with my boiz, WHAM!!

holiday party etiquette, a guide

2011-12-16T06:37:00.000-05:00

Hey fine folks out there looking to get your party on this holiday season! We here at hym have (quickly) thrown together a guide to holiday party etiquette with this handy little DOs and DON'Ts of Holiday Party Etiquette.

Read on:

DO act morbid. Constantly talking about death, dying and injury lets other party-goers know that you’ve not merely accepted your fate, but you embrace it. And you’re more mature/manly/humpable because of it. Sharing just the simple fact that once you are born, you spend the rest of your meaningless existence dying will increase the holiday cheer because people will hopefully begin to realize how fragile life truly is.

And that this could possibly be the last holiday party of their life. El tiempo es ahora para bonin', chica.

DO talk about politics and religion. Often times holiday parties are filled fulla people from various groups and backgrounds, with the only thing in common being maybe a tangential relationship to the host. How are you supposed to know what interests and conversations each party-goer favors?

By bringing up subjects on which everybody has an opinion! Plus if you’re single and looking to nail a chick, very few things soothe a slore’s emotions like you agreeing with her feminazi bullshit. Yeah, you may piss some people off by boldly bringing up traditionally taboo conversations, but, well, fuck their holiday party experience anyway.

DON’T blindly sample the various foods, especially if it’s a potluck style party. Make sure you know who brought what. You may not know each person, how they live, or how they prepare their food, those unclean fucks. ‘Course once you ascertain that the devil eggs were made with the unsoiled hands of a clean-living angel, hit them with the ferocity of a feral cat in heat.

But check this, by knowing that the smokin’ redhead in the corner brought the meatloaf bites, you now have the ammo you need to try to get in her pants. And trust me, bitches love to be told how great their cooking is.

Since we’re talking about food, it should go without saying to mind your teeth and breath.

DON’T arrive empty-handed. Because you better goddamn not be leaving empty-handed. If you show up with nothing and leave with a couple bottles of liquor, or somebody else’s jacket, purse, wallet, casserole dish, or even a corpse, karma is gonna punish your cheap ass.

Do the right thing; bring a bottle of wine or alcohol, some food, flowers or some shit. Think of it like a token offering to the gods, for your merry holiday plunder. Tis the season of giving!

...however voluntary or involuntary.

DON’T leave without taking a sloppy, messy, wet shit. The idea here is stealth; you don’t want people to know what kind of horrors you’re committing until afterward. Diligently cover up the stink or the smell, and of course the sounds, by sneaking into a master bath or an upstairs bathroom. Remember, you don’t ever want to be that guy. Unless you like chicks being repulsed by you.

If leaving the party solo, this is a great parting gift to the shitty hosts who managed to provide food, drink, crappy music, mostly good times, but no poon. Fuck them. And fuck their gross, soggy, homemade cheesecake.

And finally, DO always thank the hosts for a great time. C’mon, we’re not savages or animals here.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: BLASPHEMY PUMP

2011-12-14T06:39:00.009-05:00

The HATEPUMP continues with a super BLASPHEMOUS PUMP! Tis the season!

Bringing you this week's YULETIDE PUMPJAMS are Norway's most evil band, Gorgoroth.

Check out the former lead singer (hint: keep this image out of your head while masturbating).

And this is the same dude with his manboy-lover.

CRANK UP this BRUTAL pre-holiday BLASPHEMY PUMP! Warning, the video is kind of graphic and bloody, and there may or may not be boobies(!), however blood covered, and maybe a goat head on a stick.

Sweet video, eh? But SRSLY, how PUMPED are you?

You ever thought about writing a song called "Procreating Satan"? Yeah, me neither. But someone else did and it's evil and awesome and posted right below to ramp up that BLASPHOPUMP!

You not into dudes yelling and screeching, set to music? Listen as the interviewer asks Gaahl about his primary ideology that fuels Gorgoroth's music?

Wait for it!

SATANPUMP!

Ever seen a dude ponder so thoughtfully, answer, then casually sip his wine? Didn't think so!

Let your PUMP guide you through these chaotic holiday times into an inner chill like our man Gaahl. Become at one with your PUMP.

sorry mom

2011-12-12T06:20:00.005-05:00

Wow, I feel like I may have posted this already, but we hain't got time to check.

Just wanted to send out a quick apology to my mother.

See, when my brother and I were growing up, my mom would always yell at us for peeing all around and all over the toilet. Naturally I thought it was my brother, and he probably thought it was me. My parents are divorced, so I wouldn't be shocked if my mom also thought it was my dad sneaking in at night and pissing wildly all over.

But most of the time she would yell at us, my broth'r and I. Though it's not like she'd be yelling furiously, more just reminding us to pee in the toilet, rather than on it. To be fair, having to not only share a house with my brother and I, but raise us, I commend her for not hanging herself.

I remember being so adamant that it wasn't me, thinking that I always pee inside the toilet bowl, and it had to be my brother. I'd be so shocked that she would accuse me of something so vile.

Well recently, I had an epiphany: it was probably both of us.

Living with my wife for the last 6+ years, and knowing that she doesn't have a wiener to pee all over everything, I see the splash on the rim of the terlet, and I can acknowledge to myself that yeah, I am guilty. I have been guilty.

And I will continue to be guilty.

So mom, if you're reading this: you were right, I was partly to blame for the pee around the toilet. I'm sorry.

But that crazy poop spatter that always found its way onto the inside of the bowl, and on the bottom of the toilet seat, and sometimes on the floor - totally not me.

overheard at work 1.0

2011-12-09T06:46:00.000-05:00

"Hey Jim, Welcome back! How was your vacation, you glad to be back?"

"Oh ya know, it was good, haha."

WAIT WHAT? HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THE VACATION WAS? HE DIDN'T HAVE TO BE AT WORK FOR TWO WEEKS. TWO WHOLE GODDAMN WEEKS OF NOT WORKING.

R U GLAD 2 B BACK? BITCH PLZ, He's pissed as fuck to be back.

30 years of my life and I've never once seen anybody glad to be back at work from vacation. Never.

And I never will.

That post-vacation trudge into the office is easily the worst feeling in the world. Worse than flying, worse than seeing the love of your life scarf down massive black dong and def worse than when the fucking restaurant forgets to not put mayo on my goddamn hamburger.

You glad to be back at work?

I think 50 Cent said it best: "you wouldn't know joy if it wadn't fer pain."

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: HATEPUMP IS BACK

2011-12-07T06:35:00.001-05:00

This lady, Janice Daniels - the mayor of Troy, MI, the one below that looks manlier than Hilary Clinton, she doesn't like the idea of gays getting married.

And then she posted on facebook about it lol. Last June lol. And it's just making news now.

Massive lols @ the first status update, btw. Rest assured that if she was mocking a Republican, there would be no question that it was the wittiest, funniest thing ever.

But the bottom status update is the one in question.

Who even says "queers" anymore? "Faggot" is my go-to slur these days. And maybe one of these days I'll lay out a case why it should be your go-to slur too.

But yo, I just gotta mention this: if you think that gay marriage is somehow impeding you from having an awesome life, that's insane. If the idea of two dudes getting married really bothers you, it's time to lighten up, brah.

That said, what's worse than the people who are so vehemently against gay marriage? THE HORRIBLE PIECE OF SHIT ANNOYING FUCKHEADS THAT CHAMPION IT SO FURIOUSLY.

Yes, I get it, gays should be allowed to marry. They should have every right that a straight couple has. But I can't think of a time when my mind was changed by a schmuck at a protest with a big sign or an ALL CAPS facebook post.

Don't believe me that they're the worst of the worst? Check out the best of the progressive elite immediately below!

Nobody gives a shit about you, Gramma! Not even your grand kids!

What I think she means to say is that it's NOT OK to disagree with Gramma!

Jesus, with a mug like that, she's probably been turnin' dudes gay for years now. Not even knocking 50 years off that face could salvage it.

Two strikes against this nutjob: she's old and she's crazy!

But you know what, be PUMPED because hate and ignorance are still alive and kicking in the world! LET THE HATE PUMP YOU THROUGH THIS SLUSHY, SNOW-FILLED WEEK AND RIGHT INTO THE HOLIDAYS.

Doesn't get much PUMPIER THAN THIS INSANE HATEPUMP!

secret santa

2011-12-05T06:38:00.004-05:00

OK, first I have to apologize, after a relatively nice weekend, you'd think I'd be in good spirits this morning. Of course that's completely looking past the fact that it's Monday morning, however unsurprising that may be. Both the Monday morning part and the angry part.

Most of you probably have jobs and most of you have probably participated in a secret santa thing either at work or any time throughout grade school. Well have you ever stopped to think about how stupid it is?

Sounds good at first, but think about what it entails. After signing up, you put together a list of things you want, probably in the $10-20 range. At the same time, you receive a list from another willing participant. Then, closer to Christmas, you give the gifts to the appropriate recipient.

So really the only surprise is who actually will give you the gift. Who actually looked at your list, selected the easiest-to-procure gift? WHY THE FUCK WOULDN'T YOU JUST GO OUT AND BUY ONE ITEM FROM YOUR LIST?

Gift giving on Birthdays and Christmas or whatever is a lot less "binding" than a secret santa. Like you can get me a sweet Birthday gift this year and it'll probably be years before I even acknowledge your birth, you still-unborn-to-me shitheads. But with secret santa, there are two (2) sides contributing a roughly equal (dollar) value gift. That make sense?

When you wittingly enter into a secret santa, you know what you're getting and you know what you're giving. That's not fun.

I love receiving gifts, solicited, listed, begged for, or otherwise. No question. But I bet you'd be surprised to learn that I actually enjoy giving them too. Not in the traditional, obligated, designated sense though. Like if I see something that just hits me like, "woah, I bet ****** would love this!", I would totally buy it and be really PUMPED to give it.

But the instances that I'd ever be thinking about someone else, 'specially while out shopping for myself, are so few and far between. You get the gist though.

I don't know, maybe if there's some slut at the office, and you want to blow her mind by going above and beyond in the secret santa gift exchange. You know, something to let her know you're DTF, to see if she's DTF as well. But that's assuming you lucked out and drew her name. Also assuming you're not a huge fucking pussy and took that extra step past buying her the stupid Ped Egg she had listed.

If you really want to impress people and do the right thing, next time you're invited to a secret santa, decline in favor of donating to an animal shelter. And please remember, if you're in earshot of a potential slore, make sure your intentions are audible.

Bottom line, you are deluding yourself if you think that people are actually excited to buy you a gift (from a list you wrote!) or give you anything at all. The Secret Santa is just a cheap way for you to receive a gift, under the guise of reciprocal, heartfelt, faux-holiday cheer gift-giving.

i love samsung

2011-12-02T06:47:00.003-05:00

The quickest way to a real man's heart is to mock iphone fanbags lol.

Not sure if you have seen these new Samsung commercials for the Galaxy something or whatever. But watch as the twink on twink mocking makes me almost consider not buying an iPhone in September when our contract is up.

Well you're not gonna see me almost not consider buying an iPhone in September when our contract is up, but you're gonna see twink on twink mocking for sure.

When I think of the typical iPhone user, I don't think of my friends, who are iPhone users. Nah, I think of the whiny, crybaby, hipster dipshits depicted in the waiting lines in the commercial. The marketing homos at Samsung really nailed my skewed vision of the average iPhone user.

All that flashy marketing, a product that sells like crazy, snazzy features, deep flaws (lolworthy syncing, iTunes, Apple branding, etc.), all these attributes of the iPhone and Apple tell me I should hate my iPhone-using friends. But I don't.

So it is here that I apologize to the friends I have relentlessly mocked for sucking the deceased dick of Steve Jobs; you are not the horrible iPhone users I thought you were. And you can puff all the dead dong you want, weirdos.

But yo, you'll never catch me saying anything positive about iTunes. That shit whack.

HDPU: THANKSGIVING VIOLENCE

2011-11-30T07:32:00.006-05:00

[DISCLAIMER]: this was originally meant to be posted last HUMP DAY, but due to reckless partying, it never happened. Also due to trying unsuccessfully to sneak in an update on my mother in law's ipad. Also due to just plain forgetting.

I don't have time for a bunch of text 'n shit, let the pictures and vids do the PUMPING.

But rest assured that I hope you had the PUMPIEST Thanksgiving ever. [editor's note: I hope you ate so much turkey that you shit yourself.]

Let's get back to what Thanksgiving was supposed to be about: BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING!

AND HANGING A SHITLOAD OF MOTHERFUCKERS!

"how's it hangin?"

We don't have time for a history lesson or any BORING shit like that, but if a little genocidal slaughter every once in a while doesn't get your blood boiling, then you're probably a commie sympathizer.

Get PUMPED for the GENOPUMP!

"how now brown cow"

After associating death and genocide with Thanksgiving, I think it's important to note that I'm not trying to make any political statement or historical statement or anything. I'm just trying to think of holiday-themed things that PUMP ME UP.

NEXT PUMP!

Lookit these assholes! It's like Insane Clowne Posse circa 1835!

Wait, Insane Clown Posse!? Wat!?

You know, I hope you didn't actually listen to that song. Despite the comedic stylings of those two clown cockpits, brain cells are known to be killed through aural exposure to their music.

But I hope that you are SO PUMPED that you don't even care about nothin' as winter descends upon us. Let the PUMP help you effortlessly shovel your car out from where the snowplow plowed you in.

Let the PUMP keep you warm as your thermostat-controlling landlord refrains from heating the apartment.

Let the PUMP keep you cool as the sweet space-heater you bought for the bathroom cranks out the fuckin' heat holy shit.

Let the HOLIDAY PUMP keep you free from mudslinging as you wish a hearty "MERRY CHRISTMAS" to known atheist fuckheads and say things like "holiday tree" and "happy holidays" and "fuck your pisschrist" to loudmouth Christians.

Here's to backwards boners, friends.

last week wrap up

2011-11-28T06:45:00.001-05:00

Had a nice long week OFF OF WORK. Saw my family a bunch, chilled hard with friends and shopped till my dick fall off.

Don't even know where to start, I mean damn, on Tuesday night we CRUSHED free tacos at this bar. It was awesome. You walk in, buy two (2) beers, and you get free tacos, all you can eat. Sucks that it only lasts till 7. Sucks though that my mom was mad cause I called some dude a fag when he grabbed the last of the taco meat. Heh, it got refilled like two minutes later.

Then last Sunday we hunted deer.* I bought an insane/awesome camo/blaze orange reversible ski mask. It's seriously amazing. Unfortunately I found it the day after we hunted. But seriously, it's so amazing that immediately after I bought it, at Fleet Farm with my wife and mother in law, I had to put it on. Yep, I wore it for the entire car ride back home - with heckyeahwoman and heckyeahmotherinlaw. I think they were both pretty impressed.

We did some Black Friday shopping, and the best part was that, being in Wisconsin, there weren't a whole lot of blacks. No but we left the house at like 11pm on Thursday night lol. Hit the outlet mall, bought a sick new tie from Brooks Brothers and waited in line for like half an hour at old navy to buy a sweet dress shirt for $15. Heckyeahwoman found a bunch more crap. By 1am on Friday, I was pretty beat down from all the shopping bullshit, so we left, got home, had some whiskey and went to bed. Nice.

Oh my god, then we went to Festival Foods like on Monday, and saw something that can't be unseen. The typical uniform for a Festival Foods employee seems to be a white button down dress shirt, I don't remember what color pants and an option apron. But let's focus on that white shirt. Most of the time a dude wears an undershirt with a white dress shirt, 'specially if it's relatively thin.

And in this case, dude's was relatively very thin. As I was heading for the bread aisle, he was heading towards me, probably the frozen section. I couldn't look away; dude had the darkest, most thinly veiled peperoni nips I have ever seen in my life. His shirt was so thin, it might as well have been made of mesh. Every detail of his off-putting, brown areola was on display to be forcefully digested optically.

I stayed with my mom in her sweet apartment a couple nights and she has an asshole neighbor that lives above her. He keeps dropping cigarette butts and beer cans into her yard, from his balcony. So I got to her place on Friday, saw a can and a random lighter chilling in her area, got red with rage and threw that shit back up on his balcony. Bounced off his sliding door both times. Bummer he wasn't home, but I think he got the message since there was nothing there the next morning.

I kind of hope he fucks up again so my brother and I can force feed a 35 year old punk cigarette butts, film it, and put it up in this here blog.

One last thing, as I was just typing this up, I saw a commercial for an upcoming episode of 60 Minutes. The attention grabber was: "If you ate too much for Thanksgiving, it's probably their fault. Coming up next, 60 Minutes goes inside the multi-billion dollar food flavoring industry."

No you stupid fucks, if you ate too much on Thanksgiving, it's your own goddamn fault for being a fat tub of shit lazy worthless fuck with no self control. It's these little bits and nuggets of misinformation, promoting a lack of personal accountability, that are permeating the psyches of most of the lazy, entitled pieces of shit that populate this formerly great nation.

There are no words to describe how much I hate you, your worthless fat family, or practically everybody else.

* We didn't really hunt deer as much as we walked around in the woods, scaring the deer away from the real deer hunters, drank, ate, and I got to wear blaze orange along with my huge bowie knife.

happy black friday!

2011-11-25T06:39:00.000-05:00

what a shitty waitress

2011-11-21T06:41:00.003-05:00

If it isn't bad enough that this story is about the second (2nd) (SECOND!) time in two weeks that we went to Frazer's to watch a Monday Night Football game, I don't know what to tell you.

So these bastards at the bar show the MNF game on all the TVs. Cool. But they leave the jukebox plugged in. Not cool.

Of course we roll up, two deep, a husband and wife fantasy football tag team of good looks and awesome, and the first thing we notice is the game all up on the BIG SCREENS (, DAWG!). But the second thing we notice is the lack of pre-game audio.

In it's place, a shitty Guns N Roses song. Wait, is there such thing as a shitty GnR song, sans Chinese Democracy? Well there is if it's during a football game. The exception of course is anything off Appetite for Destruction. But this wasn't off that album. Use your illusion my ass with those couple awesome tunes paired with 67% filler.

Anyway, that's not even the most horrible part, some fat schlub was the one rocking the jukebox. If it was a hot chick, OK, yeah maybe that's fine. Guess I spoke to soon, cause then our waitress was feeding the jukebox herself.

Naturally this was like ten minutes after we asked her if she could turn it off and turn up the game.

R U SRS? Heckyeahwoman definitely tipped her more than I suggested.

And to top it off, I lost my fantasy football matchup last week. Thanks Willis McGahee and Julio Jones, you fucking pussies, for leaving your games with injuries in the first quarter. Preeshin' that 1.7 and 1.4 points you respectively snagged for me.

And worse, literally minutes before I began to type this up, I got taken for a ride by Geico. Yeah, I asked to have them remove one of the fees from my renewal quote, and they decided that because my car isn't registered in Michigan, they would give me a new quote, only $70 higher!

I tried shopping around, but every place was seriously anywhere from $200-$350 more. WTF. So I called them back and resigned at +$70. OWNED.

But on the plus side, what are you doing right now? OK, or like three hours from now?

Me? I'm nursing a retarded hangover cause I got all week off! heh

27 times

2011-11-18T06:40:00.006-05:00

27 times what?

27 times 13, in mathematics?

Something happened 27 times?

Nah. Let me explain.

I was in training for four hours yesterday afternoon and the trainer said "that would be a issue" 27 different times.

A issue.

27 times.

Yes, even I kept a tally on the scribbled notes I took. But you know, with me zoning in and out of consciousness, I wonder how many I missed.

As an writer, you can only imagine how infuriated I was. I mean, how do you not learn basics of grammar? How do you make it through your a large chunk of your adult life without somebody correcting you? A typo in a training packet? Totally acceptable.

But to stand there and lecture for four hours, just abusing the fuck out of the English language, wow. Worse, there were too many more grammatical errors to count. It was completely insane.

I have a feeling this job is going to provide a bounty of humor nuggets.

And speaking of 27...

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: THIS PUMP'S FOR ME

2011-11-16T06:33:00.004-05:00

PUMP DAY GET HUMPED NO PUMP DAY GET HUMPED WHAT

What a crazy goddamn week it's been; I've never needed a HUMP DAY PUMP UP like I need one now!

Started my new job on Monday morning, which wouldn't have been so bad, but it took forever to get to the gym after work because of traffic, and then afterward we had to immediately head to the bar to watch the Packer game.

Watched the game, got home, and immediately went to bed. On top of that, I haven't been sleeping that awesome the last two nights.

Needless to say, I hate any deviation from my set or expected schedule. It pisses me off and stresses me out. See, I'm not perfect!

Still, there's a lot to be PUMPED about. Heckyeahwoman is cooking some delicious, marinated lamb chops as I type! I just put baby powder in my moccasins. I can bust out of my new job right at 5 and I think I found a traffic free route to the gym so I should be getting done a little earlier at night. I'm still racist (racy), sexist (sexy), and over all prejudiced as FUCK.

Even better and PUMPIER, here is a video of a baby monkey (A BABY MONKEY!!!) riding a dog! A BABY MONKEY RIDING A DOG!

...then chasing the little dog! DOUBLE CUTE AND TRIPLE PUMP OVERLOAD, CHODE.

We gotta finish this PUMP with a couple HARD ASS SONGS TO GET US THROUGH THE REST OF THIS WEEK. Trapped Under Ice just put out their new album, Big Kiss Goodnight, and it smokes. All the songs are super-hard, and this one, Jail, is one of the hardest. If this doesn't get you FUCKING JACKED, I don't know what to tell you. Go back to your Pavarotti Live CDs, twink

'Nother one from their earlier album, hard as nails right here. Don't let all the backwards Canadian sports team hats dePUMP you. Nah, just PUMP UP to the hard stylings of Trapped Under Ice's Believe. Love when bands get guest vocalists from the album to do their parts live - watch at the end as a huge black dude growls something about breaking the backs of gods. How PUMPY is that?!?!

Heck yeah, ride or die.

winery tour

2011-11-14T06:26:00.004-05:00

Had a nice little weekend with Heckyeahwoman. Took a short little winery tour of some SE Michigan...uh, wineries. The final destination was a quaint little BnB (Bed and Breakfast, you uncultured fucks) in a quaint little town.

But for the purpose of this blog, the peak of the trip came immediately after dinner. So rest assured that we sampled some delicious wines and had a quick snack at Culver's. After arriving at the Bed and Breakfast, we admired the room and building, had a little wine, then headed out to the bar for a couple pre-dinner drinks.

Wound up in some rural ass bar, Charlie's Saloon, and had a couple could ones before The Meal. There was a very rural biker woman there who said something very rural and funny, but I can't remember what it was. It's funny because I meant to type a note into my phone to remember, but thought that it was way too funny for me to forget. I forgot.

Dinner was at a nice restaurant, Shuler's. It was a dinner club kinda place, you know, good food, old people, kinda fancy, PRIME FUCKIN' RIB, kinda pricey, awesome. The restaurant was great, our meals fantastic. The waiter even gave us a free desert!

I'm not sure if the table next to us had the same sentiment. It was a twenty-something couple (closer to twenty) and what we are assuming were the broad's parents. But the broad would not shut up.

I'm talking wearing her winter hat at the dinner table and running her fucking mouth nonstop. She loves her dad, she loves her parents, she loves her boyfriend because he's pretty good to her, she this she that holy shit shut your woman's cocksucker or I'm going to come over there and beat the verbal communication out of her.

Unbelievable.

I think she was as loaded as the parents were embarrassed. So yeah.

Anyway, after dinner, we were looking at the random swag the restaurant had for sale when I unleashed the longest, yet surprisingly quietest fart that I've ever shared with those in my immediate vicinity. The only thing I didn't realize was that there was a low couch directly behind me. With a woman sitting on it.

She got more than cropdusted; I literally dropped that insane fart like right on her head. Energy density. And it stunk so bad. Worse, the fart followed me up to the cash register. We were all collectively wallowing in that humid vapor excrement that polluted the restaurant's air and certainly ruined the appetite for a couple patrons.

Had I known her head was going to be right there, I would have not inadvertently melted the hairspray on the back of her head.

I would not have turned on the shit-powered hair dryer.

I would not have dispersed the scent of the sockless shoe of a migrant worker in a Mississippi summer.

I would have done things differently.

So yeah, great weekend. Great little mini-trip.

Unfortunately I found a job and I start Monday. We will be mourning the loss of my 9-5 freedom by heading to the bar to watch the PACKERS CRUSH THE VIKINGS ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL HECK YEAH

crazy obese psycho

2011-11-11T07:01:00.000-05:00

A little technical lapse today, folks. So we're just gonna share this nice little heartwarming story, featuring a morbidly obese hippie lady.

And her meltdown.

And hopefully someday, her welcome demise.

Watch, enjoy, laugh, party.

Next week we're going to offer a heartfelt apology to my mother for me realizing she was right all along. Stay tuned, friends.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: FEEL GOOD PUMP

2011-11-09T06:24:00.002-05:00

No messing around today. Daylight Savings time hit hard last weekend; snow is just around the corner; cold and dreary days are ahead, and seasonal depression will hopefully claim her largest-ever number of suicide victims this winter.

Yeah, life sucks.

WAIT, NO IT DOESN'T! Especially not if you're Jason McElwain! What a great story, and just when you think it's kinda lame, BOOM, THE PUMP SHOOTS ITS MILKY PUMPLOAD ALL OVER YOUR FACE at 1:09!

Holy shit every time he hits a three, the gym goes insane! Like he said, he was on fire; he was hotter than a pistol.

Wow, I'm literally crying and shivering right now, not because I'm watching this awesome video, not because I'm not really crying and shivering, but because I know somebody is GETTING PUMPED right now.

This next PUMP comes in a similar format: kid with handicap does something awesome. AND THAT IS AWESOME.

LOOK AT THAT BASTARD GO!

How PUMPED is that dude? And more importantly, HOW PUMPED ARE YOU AFTER THIS NEXT SONG?

GRAB SOMEBODY SEXY TELL'EM HEY!

GIVE ME EVERYTHING TONIGHT!

Nothing like singing about sexually assaulting, or groping at the very least, somebody you find attractive. Then suggesting they sleep with you because of the very small chance that one or both of you may not live through the night.

I don't know about you, but lyrics like that PUMP ME UP!

Especially the part about the people not living to see tomorrow!

the handshake

2011-11-07T06:34:00.000-05:00

This post is brought to you by the rash of FUCKING ASSHOLES whose hands I have shaken lately.

Here's the thing - I'd venture a guess that I'm generally stronger than most of the people whose hands I shake. Just the way it is, no biggie. But for some reason, I've been getting really hard handshakes lately. Maybe these jokers see how strong I am and attempt to prepare, assuming I'm going to give a burly handshake myself.

A little about my handshake style: firm but not crushing. I prefer to give a nice, solid handshake to let you know that I've arrived and I'm saying "what's up" to you, right now. There's no proving anything, no showing you up, no pissing contest, just a stupid-ass gesture that people traditionally do.

But lately I've been getting assholes trying to crush my hand. And when I say that, I mean these assholes are genuinely trying to tell me something through a handshake. Funny, cause I have something to say too, and if I wasn't always with my wife when this shit happens, there'd be a fucking trail of dead bodies you fucking anorexic looking twinks.

Let me share just a light smattering of the punks that have tried to act hard.

Asshole #1 - skinny twerp gave me a strong handshake, and after a couple drinks I was feeling kind of saucy, so I gave him what I like to call "the pulsing strongshake." Basically it's just what it sounds like: immediate detection of an asshole handshake followed by a series of strong, pulsing squeezes.

Asshole #2 - total fucking loser gave me the hard handshake, so I squeezed harder and silently thanked my parents and their genes for not giving me that dude's godawful face and body type.

Asshole #3 - dude was bigger than me, but the skinny jeans and tight clothing screamed femininity. The handshake took me completely by surprise.

Slore #1 - I'm on a job interview and you're trying to hulk out on me in your pointy high heels and pencil skirt? REALLY? I'M GOING TO BEAT THE MANHANDS OUT OF YOU, SLORE.

"Listen you fucking geek, is this something you really want to do? You want to act hard in this very nonconfrontational social setting? I've got a knife in my pocket, brass knuckles, and the last time I fucking punched somebody; homeboy was out cold on the bar floor. That sound like a fun night out to you?

This is not the smartest decision you've ever made. While yeah, you seemed to get off scott-free here, I can't guarantee that I'll turn the other cheek next time. So here, shake my hand again you fucking suburban nerd."

There's a difference between a monstrous dude who gives a strong handshake consistently and a little twerp who tries to give a strong handshake. Because honestly, if you can't make something as simple as a handshake look effortless, why bother?

Bad Religion may have had it mostly right; maybe a handshake really is nothing more than a "total fuck you." Maybe it's a nonverbal challenge to see who can say "fuck you" the loudest.

facebook quotes

2011-11-04T06:35:00.000-04:00

Quotations are all over facebook. Whether it's people posting quotes on a wall, a friend's wall or actually filling out the "favorite quotes" section, it's inescapable.

You are bound to have a friend or fifty that will inevitably post a quote from a famous thinker, scientist, sports star, president, or anybody else from the huge assortment of assholes and dipshits that many look to for quick-fix philosophy. Now I'm not saying that each member of this particular group of poorly-plagiarized-in-practice thinkers don't have anything novel to offer our society; I'm saying the poor plagiarizers usually don't.

That same person (or persons) will probably do this multiple times. And this posting and reposting of quotations has a cumulative effect, making this friend look like more and more of an asshole.

It is my belief that this philosophy-in-a-quotation obsession stems from people looking for something profound in a sentence or phrase. And of course once one believes he or she has found something profound or life-changing, it automatically needs to be shared. It's almost like people have an auto-share function that is embedded into their genes and has been activated by the rise of social media. But we're not here to pontificate on social media and its role in our society.

We're here to talk about how stupid most people are, and how they truly think they can find their own personal salvation, religious or otherwise, at the end of a sentence, paragraph, or even a book.

There is no known shortcut to a sudden promotion, finding sudden love, sudden riches, suddenly discovering the meaning of life, or probably sudden anything awesome. The Golden Rule, Aristotle, Jesus, Michael Jordan, The Lord Our Heavenly Father Barrack Obama, nobody, nothing - none of these offer a can of instant LIFETIME PUMP.

You know who does? You do. While we're not going to go into any new age self help crap about how you control your own destiny and blah blah blah, we'd like to point out that the author pretty much hates everybody.

But Mr. President and CEO (and now acting Director of Operations) of Heckyeahman INC, what about you? Are you above reproach? Short answer: yes. Longer answer: I do have a quote on my facebook page.

"I can't blame you for your utter weakness, but you can't blame me for my disgust."

Or, DISGUST - for emphasis.

I chose that quote not because I believe it to be profound; I chose it because I believe it perfectly matches the constant sneer on my face.

And cause this song is fucking awesome:

Also, one last note, if your quotation is a song lyric from a Country-Western singer from later than 1990*, that's immediate suicide-time.

*Date chosen because while I'm not very familiar with Country-Western music, I do believe that to be the year of the last relevant output from Randy Travis or George Strait, the artists immediately preceding the "huge pop-country" boom.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: TEARS OF PUMP

2011-11-02T06:40:00.003-04:00

Some of you may have seen my recent facebook post about the unfortunate young man crying outside the gym.

Yes, a twenty-something, sweaty guy in a light gray tank top and black or blue gym shorts was standing outside the Ypsilanti Planet Fitness, crying. Crying. There was also a small gym bag chilling on the curb right next to him, presumably his.

I have no idea what the crying was about, nor do I care. I just know that I am EXTREMELY PUMPED THAT I'M NOT HIM.

And I think you should be EXTREMELY PUMPED THAT YOU'RE NOT HIM TOO!

For all I know, those could have been SUPER PUMPED TEARS OF JOY FROM WATCHING THIS VIDEO ON HIS SMARTPHONE

Truth is, I'm only about 95% sure he was even crying. His face was flushed and his eyes were kind of red and puffy. Could have been from a just finished xBRUTALxWORKOUTx or more likely, the result of a very emotional phone call with his crazy ex-girlfriend.

We'll never know, but I walked right past that chump, sneered, gave a brief but obvious look of disgust, and had a serious hour-long fat burning sesh. And in case you're wondering, yeah, I was PUMPED.

If you haven't made the connection to the above video, you're the octopus. Yes, you are slimy, red and kinda ominous looking. The boat is the rest of the week, and the water is that ever elusive PUMP. You know what to do here, GET PUMPED AND DON'T EVER GET CAUGHT CRYING OUTSIDE YOUR SKETCHY GYM.

looking forward to things

2011-10-31T06:53:00.003-04:00

Today is Halloween, and while I don't have anything scary to post, I hope to bum you out just a little with the tone of this post. I want to be the fart in your bowl of soup.

The spoiled milk in your cereal.

The shart that snuck through.

The razorblade in your candy.

You know what sucks? Looking forward to things sucks.

You got a great vacation coming up next month, you wait and wait and wait for the vacation to come, it happens, you have fun, then it's back to being bummed and not looking forward to anything.

Except maybe dying.

Or maybe another vacation in a couple months.

On the other hand, what about dreading upcoming events? That sucks too. Maybe you have to give a presentation, or do something you really don't like doing (leave the house, clean the litter boxes, live life). So then you just sulk until you suffer through whatever it was you were dreading. And you're worse off for it.

Then you'll think of something else to hate in a couple months, for the next couple months.

Furthermore, if I'm just meh about something, then well, that would be a shitty way to live. The highs are what make the lows and the lows are what make the highs. The PUMPS make the unpumps and vice versa. In this shitty world where nothing is ever really good enough, I need to feel something, however crappy.

For Thanksgiving, we're taking a week off and heading back to Wisconsin for the entire week. You could say I'm looking forward to it. But you could also say that I'm dreading it. You see, the minute it starts, it also begins to end. I almost enjoy thinking of all the fun things I'm going to be doing more than actually doing the fun things, with that sinking feeling in the back of my head - knowing that it will end.

So the next time you think you've got something great lined up, just think about it a little more and realize that in the end, it's probably not going to be that great.

Good things end, bad things begin.

help a metalhead

2011-10-28T06:42:00.003-04:00

I saw this link on lamboat (a metal and hardcore website) and thought it would be great for a blog post.

Official press release:

Dane Wolf, known to many throughout the metal community as a skilled guitar tech, tour manager, and overall kind and hardworking human being, was badly beaten in Denver, Colorado last week while on the Death Angel/Testament/Anthrax tour. As a result, he had to drop off the tour and was recently released from the hospital in Denver. Dane's mother, Jenna Wolf, issued the following statement on Dane Wolf's Give Forward fundraising page:

"Please help in whatever way you can by assisting with his medical bills and upcoming travel expenses to and from Colorado when things go to court. There will be additional medical costs in the future as well, as he continues to recover and requires follow-up care. The goal has now been raised due to the amazing response of Dane's friends and family. Thank you so much for your continued support, and for sharing the link, and his story!"

The goal is to raise $7,500.00 to pay Dane's medical and travel expenses. Thus far, $3,760 (50%) has been raised. YOU can help a metalhead who worked a metal tour you attended by visiting www.giveforward.com/danewolf and donate what you can. Every dollar helps!

It sucks that dude got beat the ferk up, for sure. But what did he get beat up for? The article makes no mention of the circumstances, leading us to believe they may have been sketchy in nature.

Did he save a hapless woman from being raped, and in the process wind up the victim?

Maybe he caught the business end of a crowbar after dropping n-bombs to a crew of people that don't appreciate n-bombs.

Who knows. But I find it funny that the article mentions he was "overall kind and hardworking". "In the grand scheme of things, yeah, he probably did more good than harm, but he hated black people."

Or, "overall, he was a good husband, but he had a really short fuse and often beat his kids and wife."

It's hard to say.

Apparently the goal was raised, because the family lowballed expectations about how much dude's friends and family would actually help lol. They wound up doing so well, that they're gonna try to snatch a little profit off the whole thing. Goal raised, keep giving!

The last sentence about how he is a metalhead who probably worked a show I attended is MINDBOGGLING. First, I haven't been to a show in a long ass time. And second, the last metal show I went to, everything was insanely overpriced - admission, music, drinks, merch. Plus there were a bunch of androgynous fruitloops with horrible, uneven, multi-colored haircuts in skinny jeans and tight black shirts. Now I'm supposed to help out a mere cog in the system that's trying to rip me off?

Ferk that. I paid admission for my ticket. I don't owe anybody else at the show a thing. If I wanted a record, I would have bought it. And for another post, fucking tip jars at merch tables, wow.

You help somebody out not because they took part in fulfilling your materialistic/consumer urges, but because you want to do the right thing. I have a feeling Mr. Wolf wouldn't give too shits about helping me out, even if I attended a show that he worked. Fuck that family and probably fuck you too.

Do I give a shit about the 8 year old Asian kid that put together the computer I'm currently ranting on? NO. Just like I don't give a shit about Steve Jobs, any nameless factory worker at Dodge, a random schmuck that binds books for a living, or any other turd who may have had a small hand in a product or service that I enjoy.

That's not how it works, buddy. If Mr. Wolf hadn't been available to guitar-tech for any given show, I'm sure another equally talented guitar-tech would step up.

It still boggles my mind that musicians solicit their fans and friends for donations when something happens - usually lack of health insurance related.

You want a security blanket, health insurance, benefits, whatever? Get a job that provides them. You following your dreams and having a hobby as a job is not my expense. Yeah I'd love to "write", "draw", or be a "songwriter", but reality hit, I've got an awesome wife and she didn't marry an attractive bum with a sweet hobby.

Maybe Mr. Wolf is an amazing dude, always helping others selflessly, whatever. Maybe there really is NOBODY on this earth that deserves charity more than Mr. Wolf. I don't know. Cheers to a speedy recovery though.

HDPU: I'M SO SORRY

2011-10-26T06:39:00.003-04:00

THE SPORTS PUMP REFUSES TO END

AS THE LIONS REFUSE TO WIN!

And unfortunately Jim Schwartz declined another post-game meltdown.

But that won't halt the SPORTSPUMP!

Nah, watch as dude's own offensive lineman CRUSHES his ankle. THE QUARTERBACK'S OFFENSIVE LINEMAN PUTS A MEATY, HEFTY FOOT RIGHT ON THE QB'S CANKLE!

UNBELIEVABLE

No worries, Matty Ryan gets up, walks off the field, moons the fans, creeps into the tunnel and emerges on the next series to toss a sick pass to some weird wide receiver like he never missed a beat!

Then we got some cracker ass mothereffer delivering a blow to the nuts of a Packers O-lineman. Not sure about the backstory, but this dude, laying on his back, gives TJ Lang's nuts the boot. What, do the Vikings think they're the Steelers or Lions now? GTFO!

No WORRIES, ARODGE WENT ON TO SHREDDDDD THAT DEFENSE AND WIN THE GAME FOR THE PACK AND FOR MY FANTASY TEAM!

You've seen NFL kickers NAIL 60 yard field goals in overtime to win the game. But have you ever seen a kicker NAIL a return man like Neil Rackers does right here?

Rail thin, dad-haired, whiteboy hondydonk mofo PUT THE HAMMER DOWN ON THAT PLAY.

That's right, for the rest of this week, as shitty as it may be, as horrible as your life probably is, you need to summon your inner dad-hair, your inner cracker, your inner skindleton and PUT THE HAMMER DOWN ON THE REST OF THIS CRAP FILLED WEEK.

After that insane PUMP, I hate to leave on a low-note, but I just want to remind you that no matter how awesome things are, one day, the circle of life will complete itself on you; you will be the fuel for something else to live. And if that circle of life just so happens to be the death of you (think shark, lion, bear or vicious snake attack), well, I just goddamn hope somebody caught it on video and puts it up on Youtube.

OK, one last SPORTSPUMP brought to you buy the original SPORTSTHUGPUMPER, Alan Iverson, with some help from a couple of his SPORTSPUMP friends.

monday advice

2011-10-24T06:39:00.017-04:00

So here we are, poaching advice column nuggets of gold. Never ceases to amaze me the kind of mind-bogglingly solvable quandries people find themselves in. Read on:

Dear Prudence,
I just graduated from college, am living at home, and started a year-long position as an AmeriCorps member. I'm paid a stipend set at the poverty line. Two weeks ago, my parents told me they expect me to pay them $80,000—half of my college tuition. We had never discussed splitting costs when I was applying to schools, and they discouraged me from considering state schools. If I knew that I would be responsible for half of the cost of my education, I would not have attended a private school. Still, I realize the value of education and want to take responsibility for my college costs. My parents recently sold their vacation house to help pay off my college costs and to celebrate the sale, they want us to go on vacation together in the fall. They expect me to pay $1,300 and take three weeks off from work for this "once-in-a-lifetime" trip. I can't. But they said that if I don't go, then they won't go. How can I meet my parents' expectations to be both financially responsible and supportive of their desire to travel?

I don't even know where to begin. I want to dispense advice, but wow, this may be beyond repair. First thing, she works for AmeriCorps. AmeriCORPSE LOL. Second, the parents are batshit crazy.

Weird, so let's recap: the parents appear to be in dire financial straits after apparently telling their daughter to spare no expense at college, planning on paying it back no problem. Then something happened. The husband's crippling gambling addiction. The wife's monstrous credit card debt. The stepbrother's untold thousands dropped on internet porn. Their American desire to spend beyond their means. Who knows, who cares.

Strange though, after the sale of property to pay off debts, profit (presumably best put toward the debt) is being used on superfluous celebratory vacations. Something is awry.

So Shawtie graduates, and her parents just out of thin air ask for half her tuition bill? I can't help but think that there was a huge miss-communication somewhere along the line. Either way, we weren't there, so we're gonna have to make some assumptions.

I guess from her perspective, she probably thinks she's getting owned, and it appears she is. Most likely, the parents took an oh we'll take care of it, don't fuck around with that pov state schools approach to her tuition. I can't believe that in 2011 anybody actually gives a shit where you got your undergrad from, unless you're going into grad school or something - state, private, online (lol), it doesn't matter, for the most part (YO WHERE MY U of PHOENIX PEEPS AT LOL?!?!)

While we can take solace in the fact that due to inflated egos or a sense of disbelief - their own fault -another family seems to have financially fucked themselves, we still have some advice to share.

Here's what you do, Shawtie, word for word: sit your parents down and have a discussion.

"Mom and dad. You told me to attend private university. To, in your words, drink and drug with the pious pupils at private school rather than the poverty at State U. I believed you. I trusted you. I slept with a good three quarters of the football, rugby and baseball teams. I believed in you, and the advice you gave me.

And here we are - you expecting me, probably not on any legal grounds, to pay you around eighty thousand dollars for my collegiate experiences and a couple STDS. For merely following your advice. As a minor.

You're getting older and as you try to fuck me now I will surely fuck you in the twilight of your lives. And I'm not talking about the good kind of fucking. You're my parents, gross. Ewwww. As senility, incontinence, dementia and various other all-but-guaranteed afflictions begin to take their toll, you will begin to wonder whether it was worth it to attempt to take advantage of your daughter during your vulnerable, mortal years.

With that said, let's work out a plan to help you help me, so I can in turn help you when the time comes. I believe that a good starting point will be a sincere apology to me, for your financial incompetence. And most likely it will end with contractual divorcing of me, Shawtie, from the consequences or your financial liabilities."

There you have it, a reasonable solution.

generalizationings

2011-10-20T06:38:00.000-04:00

I don't claim to be knowledgeable about any of the authors mentioned below; I'm just going on a gut feeling as I share my two cents on a couple demographics of people.

Kurt Vonnegut fans - I have never read a Kurt Vonnegut book. Ever. I may someday and think he's the best author ever. If that happens, I might spontaneously combust back into my 1990's high school and be a fucking nerd virgin that doesn't know shit about anything. I couldn't tell you Mr. Vonnegut's writing style, his politics, anything he's written, anything about him at all. There's a good chance that I hate the people who enthusiastically read him because I envision his books as a gateway to getting heavily involved in the sci-fi scene.

Grey's Anatomy viewers - [disclaimer: my wife "likes" this show; she is exempt] I hate this television show. However, unlike most of the garbage on this list, I am familiar. Quite familiar. True story here, one time a buddy of mine and I had girlfriends that watched Grey's. So the four of us watched it one night. Together. Only it got so bad that my buddy and I retreated to his spare bedroom and talked about downloading music. It was so bad that we didn't even download any music, we merely discussed the best methods for obtaining illegal downloads. Pathetic. If you are a fan of Grey's Anatomy, you are probably a chick. And are probably fat. Or hot. Or medium-hot. Doesn't matter, because broads of all hotness levels are inexplicably drawn to this show.

Chuck Palahniuk readers - Again, never read any of this dude's books. I watched Fight Club, thought it was kinda boring, and got on with my life. This is another one of those guilty by association deals. You a huge Palahuniak fan? You probably really suck. You are also probably a turd that thinks you're so cosmo, going to art shows while pretending to appreciate abstract art. Words cannot describe.

Youtube commenters - [editor's note: this particular commentary was removed by the CEO of heck yeah, man llc due to the racially charged nature.]

Jack Kerouac fans - Again, never read anything by Jack Kerouac. Haha, most of you are probably wondering whether I even read a book in middle or high school. I did. But I didn't read much then. I do more now. I actually have a theory that Jack Kerouac, Kurt Vonnegut and Chuck Palahniuk are all the same person. Despite the three of them being in various states of "alive", ranging from not to definitely, I remain convinced they may be the same person.

Dancing With the Stars fans - Never seen this show and never will. Unfortunately, I've twice seen an upcoming season's cast "leaked" during a television show. Yeah, the show I was watching was interrupted so the two dimwit hosts announce the new cast. I don't know what's worse, being actively interested in a show about shining -sub-stars DANCING, or being tricked into believe the d-listers on the show are actually stars. Chaz Bono, Ron Artest, some lady I've never heard of. Who the fuck are these people? Both the contestants and the fans.

Any other groups of fans that you'd like a commentary on?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!

2011-10-20T01:06:00.001-04:00

HEY TODAY IS MY MOM'S BIRTHDAY!

IF YOU SEE HER, WISH HER A HAPPY ONE!

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: SPORTS AGAIN!

2011-10-19T06:37:00.001-04:00

Sorry to all you sports-haters out there, but when the PUMP is there, you gotta take it, get PUMPED, and run with it.

Normally I would have loved to post the diff'rent sections of the following video separately. But a couple things happened. Mainly, I couldn't find (didn't bother) each part that I wanted.

So you get all three in one. In addition to some ridiculous three-plus minute advertisement for a who-knows-what video game thing.

Check this out. This weekend was an awesome weekend for sports. Unless you're a Detroit sports fan.

First, on Saturday night, the Tigers got ELIMINATED (yeah, greasy bowel movement-style) from the American League Championship Series! You know, the playoff series where the winner heads to the WORLD SERIES!

Not only that, but the Rangers FUCKING CRUSHED them, 15-5. I was so PUMPED during that game, that I could hardly play Uno with my wife and in-laws, while the game was on in the background.

It gets better. On Sunday, the Lions - one of two undefeated teams left in the NFL (Green Bay Packers) - lost. But they didn't just lose, they COLLAPSED under the weight of a SURGING SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS TEAM.

Now there is only one (1) undefeated team left, and I think we all know who it is! GREEN & GOLD PUMP CAUSE THE LIONS STILL SUCK!

Watch below as the 49ers seal the victory with a go-ahead touchdown with like two minutes left. Two more defensive stops later, and the game is over! NFC NORTH PUMP!

And God, it just doesn't quit. The 49ers coach, Jim Harbaugh, was PUMPED AS FERK and ran over to shake the Lions coach, Jim Schwartz's hand, as is customary after a game. Only Little Schwartz didn't think the handshake was gracious enough so he had an epic meltdown and chased Harbaugh down the sideline, ramming Harbaugh with his shoulder, cussing at him, and having to be restrained by security and other players.

WTF, dude.

Then in the post-game conferences both coaches addressed the issue. Harbaugh went on to playfully mock the situation, while Schwartz started making things up.

Hilarious when Schwartz said he didn't expect the obscenity after getting "shoved" out of the way. Because he was the one that uttered the F-bomb immediately after the encounter lol.

It's like cuffing your ugly ass kid up, and then saying, "I didn't expect the child abuse".

Watch all this shit unfold and prepare for PUMP UP.

Also, notice number 87 for the Lions, Pettigrew, big ups to him for catching a touchdown in the game and helping me win one fantasy football match-up, while also helping me lose the match-up in my other league. Bittersweet PUMP!

Also, lol @ Bill Cowher muttering "I would have done the same thing" during the video, then siding with Schwartz during the analysis, after. Cowher, you're a fucking chump. All he ever did was act tough, talk over people and yell. Fucking Charles Bronson wannabe halfwit. And Charles Bronson didn't even have to yell or talk over people to look tough, he just was tough and had a mustache. Great idea for next week's PUMP!

And on an UNPUMP note, the Brewers got CRUSHED by a bunch of overachieving dipshits that are collectively known as the St. Louis Cardinals. And they will not be heading to the World Series this year. Tony LaRussa is such a cockpit.

But the Brew Crew did record their best regular season record ever! PUMP!

A lot of Brewer fans got loaded! PUMP!

And they got to the National League Championship Series! PUMP!

And Prince Fielder is a money-hungry dipshit that choked hard in the NLCS. Wish he woulda choked on some of his firm tofu! DIE FATTY!

So yeah, in the end. I would trade a Brewers loss for a Tigers loss and Lions loss, with a bonus Lions coach meltdown any day of the week!

Eat shit Detroit sports fans!

you're gay

2011-10-17T06:34:00.020-04:00

It's 2011.

People, myself included, still use gay and faggot and other gay slurs in derogatory fashion. I try to wean those words out of my vocabulary, but they sneak in every once in a while. But this isn't about me. This is about those guys whose go-to rebuttal is YOU FUCKING FAGGOT or WHY ARE YOU SUCH A FAGGOT or YOU'RE CLEARLY GAY.

Whether it's really meant to be a stinging insult (really, that's the worst thing you can think of?) or just a playful dig at a pal, repeated homosexual name calling is still unsettling. And not just because it's mind-boggling that anybody cares whether somebody is gay or straight.

I'm guessing that a person's interest in another's sex-life stems from a lack of interest in their own. Or maybe they're the parents of a slutty teenager. Then it's OK I guess.

It's like if you say something enough, you start to believe it. Almost as if some subconscious, wanton, lust-filled wish is prompting a man to consistently call his friend gay. To want his friend to be gay.

To need his friend to be gay.

Just want to announce again that there is nothing wrong with being gay. In fact, in some circles, being gay is better than being heterosexual, and often times glorified. But that's usually the circles where there's a lot of deeply embedded self-hating. At HYM LLC, we don't care about sexual orientation, nah, we just want to start our day with a really strong cup of coffee and then go from there. And if our day lead us into hating people for ridiculous reasons, hey, that's the way the cookie crumbles.

But think about this for a minute, your bro constantly accusing you of being homosexual.

Watching the game with a buncha bros? Chances are the same guy called you gay a minimum of 15 times. And I don't think your Ed Hardy graphic tee is to blame, buddy.

At a bachelor party with strippers all over and your buddy just bought you a lapdance and calls you gay when you politely decline because it's gross as fuck when some slore stripper puts her just-motorboated-by-another-buddy-and-spittle-covered titties in your face. He called you a fag to your face, to your buddies, to the stripper and in his own head dozens of times. And he secretly wants to fuck you.

Thanksgiving with the family, and your weird half-step-cousin calls you gay because don't want to play another six hours of Dungeons & Dragons in the attic with no lights on. He's been thinking about you every holiday for the last ten years, bro.

You are now a piece of meat. Just when you thought you were surrounded by your closest friends and family, probably trying to scam on chicks, maybe one of your friends wishes he could be scamming on you. Now you know how chicks feel, when they just want to have a fun girls night out, and there are dicks lurking around every corner.

It's just weird that a dude takes it as an insult when it's really just an odd declaration of his pal's desire for a male friend to be attracted to men, possibly even him.

trip to petco

2011-10-14T06:37:00.002-04:00

So this past Monday night Heckyeahwoman and I found ourselves at Petco.

I should probably mention that we were there shopping for a cat harness. Because we have a cat leash, but no collar or harness. Also, we have a cat - two, in fact. You can go ahead and do the math.

cat + leash + harness = going for a walk!

Yeah, we wanted to take Orange Guy for a walk. Outside.

We're that married couple.

But back to Petco. It was almost surreal. Odd, cause it started out just like any other trip there - run in, get what we need, and bust. It was when we were waiting in line to check out that things got weird.

To our left, we notice a little commotion, just some dipshit trying to corral his dog so he can jump into the checkout line. And I didn't notice IT right away, all I saw was dude pulling his emaciated puppy across the floor. Then he went on to explain to the dude in front of him that, "she's really skinny, but completely healthy." Supermodel cocaine logic, whatever. But what I missed though was the reason the dude had to pull the dog in the first place.

The dog was shitting.

In the store.

And he left behind a half-banana-sized doggy untreat.

The dog wasn't the only one leaving that brown nugget, the owner of his emaciated pup unflinchingly did too. Didn't notify an employee, didn't ask for a paper towel. Just stood there like nothing happened. Like the dog he voluntarily brought into the store DIDN'T JUST FUCKING SHIT ON THE FLOOR.

I should have known by his stupid goatee that he was a fucking asshole.

For all we know, that turd is still there.

The fuckery doesn't stop there friends, no, once that sitch calmed itself down, we were checking out, only to see the lady that was previously ahead of us, steer her cart out the door, screech it around in a sudden u-turn, and storm back towards the cashier. But she didn't go to the cashier that had 30 seconds ago checked her out.

Either because my menacing look deterred her from interrupting my checkout experience, or because the cashier was new and was having problems getting the scanner to accept her $3 off coupon, so he had to call over a more experienced cashier to handle that serious business.

Anyway, she went to the other cashier, barged in front of a waiting customer and said she didn't get her $3 off and she was "frustrated." Then abruptly declared, "whatever, nevermind."

Let the little things go, lady.

What a psycho, she definitely had an angry, mid-life crisis haircut of rage.

After paying, we left the Petco without incident, got in the car and saw her approach hers.

Yeah, her and her early 00's Lexus acting like the world revolves around her. I've never seen somebody so angrily load a couple bags of dog food into a trunk before.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: BASEBALL

2011-10-12T11:36:00.002-04:00

Not sure if you know, but it's baseball playoffs season! What an insane end of the regular season: the Rays won in extra innings with an Evan Schlongoria solo shot to beat the Yankees, clinch the wild card, and most importantly, end the season for the Red Sox.

We witnessed the Red Sox just COLLAPSE over the last month of the season, so much so that their playoff chances came down to the last game of the season, and even hinged on the Rays.

Big THANK YOU to the Baltimore Orioles for doing their part in destroying the postseason chances for the Red Sox! Thanks guys!

SO MUCH PUMP.

Lettuce kick this PUMP off with the BREWERS beating the D-backs in the NLDS, extra innings, Nyjer "T-Plush" Morgan cranked the walk-off RBI, driving Carlos Gomez in - to win the game AND THE SERIES!

And while I don't hate the Detroit Tigers or enjoy the Texas Rangers, all this insane hype for the Detroit Lions going 5-0, beating cupcake teams, is insane! It's only natural that I get PUMPED when the Tigers lose.

And it's only natural that you do the same.

Here's Nelson Cruz knocking one out of the park, with a weird look on his face, during game one of the ALCS, securing a Rangers victory. Heh, Detroit sports fans - WHERE'S YOUR PUMP NOW!?!?!?!

Uh, at least you aren't Twins fans? That's something to be PUMPED about!

Then in Game 2, Nelson Cruz says, "Fuck the Tigers. And you know what else, fuck those overrated Lions too." Only instead of actually verbalizing it, he talks with his bat.

AND SLAPS AN EXTRA INNINGS WALK OFF GRAND SLAM OUT OF THE PARK HARDER THAN DADS SLAP THEIR UNWANTED CHILDREN. AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!

Yeah, the Brewers got CRUSHED by the Cardinals on Monday night, but it was worth it seeing the Tigers go down two games to none. OK not really.

THE PUMP WILL CARRY YOU THROUGH! (whatever that means).

Got an amazing story from our recent trip to Petco coming up on Friday.

busy weekend

2011-10-10T06:40:00.000-04:00

Wanted to do a weekend wrap-up here but nothing really blog-worthy came out of the last couple days. I could tell you about how I am CRUSHING in my fantasy football league, or how we DESTROYED a half order of insanely awesome cheese bread on Saturday night, or how the weather was beautiful and we went fishing and watched some dude catch a baby smallmouth bass that was obviously not legally big enough to keep but he kept it anyway. So yeah, nothing too cray-cray.

Pretty bummed I didn't have time to catch a showing of REAL STEEL, the new Huge Ackman flick. Sounds like a great story. Didn't get a chance to read the book it was based on, but I heard it was just fantastic. Interesting though, I never knew that Hemingway dabbled in Sci-Fi.

Anyway, I was pretty busy, so I leave you with this little gem. Plan on getting PUMPED into the stratosphere on HUMP DAY.

The second or so of action at about 0:56 is probably the most epic thing ever put to film.

Also, the user that uploaded that vid to youtube goes by the handle of Mr91holyshit. lol

PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!! song lyrics

2011-10-07T06:48:00.026-04:00

As we're wrapping up PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!! with the whimper that usually accompanies the modern philosopher as he or she strives for greatness, relevancy or anything at all really, we're going to take a little bit of a deeper look at a certain song's lyrics.

I was listening to a CD the other day and a certain lyric jumped right out at me: "I'd rather die than live like you." Clearly audible...in all of it's screamed, modern hardcore glory.

The song is called "I.C. You Are Feeling Drake" by the band American Nightmare. Great song btw. Fantastic album too, Background Music is great PUMP UP music.

Listen for it at 1:42: "I'd rather die than live like you."

I've been listening to punk and hardcore for years now, and I'm sure there are other songs with that exact same lyric, if not just that exact same sentiment. Think about it for a second though. What is the singer really saying?

"I'd rather die...

...than live like you."

Most likely the song is about some dudebro he thinks he hates. From the lyrics, it's probably somebody who he thinks gave up their hardcore or punk rock lifestyle - sold out, man. Maybe it's a former straightedger who opted to have a drink and chill. Maybe a true till deather that got so high he managed to take bong rips hard as shit from a crack pipe. Oh god or maybe it was a former vegan breaking "vedge" by demolishing a fatty, marbled ribeye in the presence of a bunch of other emaciated losers.

One rumor floating around the 'net back in the early aughts (shortly after the song was written) was that the song was about Karl from Earth Crisis taking prescription drugs (OMG) to combat the wonky look he always has on his face. Hard to be edge when you're takin' the 'scrips, do! (fyi, "do" is short for "dude" and I'll think you'll be seeing more of it)

I also heard at a show one time that it was about the rampant androgyny & gay haircuts starting to sweep the metalcore scene.

Or more likely, maybe a former bandmate who quit the band, went to college, got a job in his chosen profession, had a family and has no more time for a full time touring band that doesn't pay the bills.

Who knows, maybe the object of the song is a total douchebag, just some corporate office lackey, worried more about his next cup of coffee from the 'bucks than anything of real (non-coffee) substance. But let's examine what he's saying for a second. Like, it's one thing to declare that you don't want to live like person A. I get it, you think that particular lifestyle sucks. Fair enough.

Maybe the best way to offer your advice, influence, support or help, or to get your point across to said wayward friend would be with a simple telephone call, rather than in the form of a ripping hardcore tune. Though for the record, I prefer the ripping hardcore tune. Great song.

But to choose death over a life the dude is probably oblivious to is kinda crazy. I mean, if the singer walked up to the dude, told him that he'd rather die than live like him, there's a very high chance the dude is just gonna say, "whatever, man, you're still bummed about me quitting the band, eh."

I bet a good 75% of the band's fanbase is in the same boat - selling out the edge, the core, the scene the whatever. They probably just realized that acting like you're 18 only works until you're 18, maybe 21, tops.

The thing is, the signer is a thirty-something, fairly accomplished lyricist and writer, who you'd think would be smarter than that. Maybe he is. Or at least he should maybe have the foresight to see that the subject of the song, while said well, is kind of tacky. Maybe once a decade or so he looks back through his old lyrics and just cringes.

More personally, would he rather die than live like me? Than be unemployed and handsome and awesome? Really? He doesn't even know me, and he's screaming about how he'd rather die than live like me. OK, maybe he knows about our three-legged cat that's always pooping on the floor. And pissing on my stuff.

I don't know if he knows that my wife is a doctor - surely he has no idea how awesome it is to tell people that your wife is a doctor. I wouldn't rather die than tell people my wife is awesome.

At the end of the day, there is somebody out there that he hates so much, where he'd rather die than live like him. Unless that much-hated person is Hitler or something, like, that's kind of trivial, dude.

FYI Wes, nobody is forcing you to live like anybody. You're over 30 by now, you can stay angry as much as you want, just don't be too bummed when some of us get a laugh out of it.

PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!! rabbit hole

2011-10-06T06:44:00.021-04:00

I hope we're all enjoying PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!! I know I'm not. Today we're going to talk about a movie we viewed about a month or two ago. And while we won't be discussing anything too philosophical, we are going to discuss why this movie should be insulting to normal people like you and me.

But mainly just you.

The movie, Rabbit Hole, was more than just a movie, more than Hollywood fatcats pretending they know what the average person's struggle is; it was an exercise in containing rage. It was watching your happily married mother pinch the pool-boy's ass.

It was coming home early from work to find your wife in bed with your step uncle.

It was your friend promising to trade you his Troy Aikman rookie card, then watching him sell it to a sketchy dealer at the local weekend card show.

Anyway, it's about a husband (the usually great Aaron Eckhart) and wife (the scraggly yet still hot Nicole Kidman) dealing with the loss of their (probably gay) four year old son. Little guy got hit by a car when he ran into the road, chasing the family dog.

It doesn't help that Kidman portrays the kind of wife you just want to - no, just have to beat, abuse, destroy, break, humiliate. OK sorry, a bit much there. Her depiction of a grieving wife is offensive - though not necessarily from the way she plays the part. What's offensive is that she has any idea about grief, what it is, how to deal with it.

Heckyeahwoman said she enjoyed the flick, not necessarily seeing it as a two hour bumout, the way I did. Instead, she saw it as an interesting portrayal of a family dealing with a very unfortunate incident, and the repercussions from the tragedy.

But the thing is, Nicole Kidman and Aaron Eckhart are very rich. And true, I don't know them or what they went through before they became rich and famous. But for multimillionaire actresses and actors, I find it hard to believe they are as in touch with raw human emotions as the rest of us.

Maybe that's an indictment of my cynicism, but I firmly believe that living an insanely posh lifestyle, having more money than you'll ever need tends to provide a pretty nice cushion when life knocks you down, no matter how tragic the boot to the face.

And maybe that sounds horrible, I don't think money is everything. But I do believe that having a lot of it makes a lot of things a lot easier. Especially during emotionally trying times.

Dealing with the loss of a child is a lot easier, I'm sure, when you can take a couple months off, jet off to an exotic beach with family and friends and deal on your own terms. Of course that's opposed to getting a measly week of bereavement from your job at the factory, while not knowing if you'll be able to make ends meet this month - the way many normal people have to cope.

The elite simply have many more resources at their disposal - mostly courtesy of their financial means.

Please don't mistake that I have something against the wealthy; I don't. I do have something against someone that has no idea what middle class struggle is, pretending to know, and then expecting that same middle class pay to watch the whole fuckaroo.

On the plus side, the movie did have a couple saving graces, one being the interactions at the group therapy session. Also, there was one scene, probably my favorite, where the couple was fighting, and Aaron Eckhart just stops and blurts out "What do you want from me?!"

A couple things immediately popped into my head, as I simultaneously started chuckling to myself. But explaining to Heckyeahwoman that the chorus of the song below was the cause of my giggles didn't have the same effect on her.

The last redeeming quality of the movie, for me, was the ending. Kinda-spoiler alert: the kid already got run over, and this ain't a ghost story - so he ain't coming back. So without spoiling too much, I was happy with the way they resolved the movie.

You know, a part of me thought Rachel Getting Married was the worst movie ever. Then Desperation Road, and then initially this one. Shit, I just remembered Amelie. So many shitty movies, who cares.

Turns out I'm not really convinced this was the worst movie ever. In fact, I had originally just jotted down a couple notes immediately after viewing, with plans to write a post about it. But the more I write about it now, the more favorably I see it.

The story was admittedly pretty decent, and it's really hard to dislike Aaron Eckhart, no matter how spoiled he may or may not be. Plus, he smokes reefer with the Asian chick from Grey's Anatomy, in addition to some other slightly, unintentionally humorous scenes.

At the end of the day, yeah, I'm just some dude from Michigan that feels kind of insulted that Hollywood producers think they can stick a couple pretty faces into a movie with a relatively serious subject matter, and pretend to know me or people like me. That's fine. But what isn't fine is that more people don't share my sentiment.

HDPU: PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!!

2011-10-05T06:41:00.003-04:00

Yes, we are in the midst of PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!!, but that doesn't put us above talking about my meatheaded experiences at the gym. As the weather cools off, I'm finding myself there more and more.

Anyway, we need to get to the PUMP, cause we got some good philosophical crap coming up the next couple days.

Saw some dude with literally no neck, and my first thought was, "I bet he's a real asshole." Who knows if he was or not, but it made me think a bit: yeah, he is obviously very strong in the traditional, physical sense.

But maybe he isn't so strong personally. No doubt, he's definitely a toolbox dipshit douchebag. That's something that's obvious by his choice of gym attire: super baggy basketball shorts, all-over-print Ed Hardy graphic tee, huge basketball shoes and a backwards baseball hat.

Just from looking at this guy, maybe real strength isn't always measured by how much you can do, but rather how much you refrain from doing, or don't do.

That said, I PUMPED out 250 pushups in less than 20 minutes. Did you? Didn't think so. *StrongAsFuck

Maybe you're stronger than me because you refrained from doing 20 minutes worth of push ups, which in the grand scheme of things, doesn't really mean shit.

Like take this dude for example. Yeah, it doesn't take very much physical strength to cuff the waitress up a little and then pour HOT COFFEE ALL OVER THAT TRICK. Obviously he's not strong enough to REFRAIN FROM FREAKING OUT AND OWNING HER. What a pussy.

Now let's see what my boy Allen Watts would say about that vid.

If I know Mr. Watts like I think I know Mr. Watts, he'd say that you can't have spilled coffee, both on the table and on the waitress, without un-spilled coffee.

The high, the low. The calm, the angry. The coffee-scalded skin, the uncoffee-scalded skin. The sloppy pour, the smooth pour.

And then he'd say, "as the ocean waves, the universe peoples." Wait what?

I'm not a philosopher, and neither are these next couple of twinks. Not in a million years. But they sure do make me glad that I'm 30 and not a 15 year old punk that thinks he's knows everything.

It appears that the main dude has a half-mustache on the left side of his face. Not sure if that's a zit-stache, actual unshaven stubble or a combination of the two.

The only thing I can hope is that PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!! doesn't turn out as horrible those dipshits.

And what kind of a PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!! HUMP DAY PUMP UP would this be if we didn't close out the PUMP with a couple words from Uncle Socrates?!?!

I had no idea that Socrates was a modern day drunk with frosted tips and his cousin's visor from 1996. Weird!

Watch the videos, laugh, take in a couple nuggets of wisdom, be a better person, CRUSH the rest of this week. And come back tomorrow because I've got one of my world famous movie reviews coming up.

PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!! ethical theories

2011-10-04T06:44:00.004-04:00

Knowing for some time now that I was going to be doing a PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!! this fall, I had been doing a little bitta Googling philosophy-related words, icons and ideas. You know, in the hopes that I might find a real nugget.

Quick little disclaimer: I want to make clear that I'm not professing to be an expert in philosophy.

Anyway, in this scientific research, I came across a couple main ethical theories I'd like to talk about today, ones that you are most likely to be familiar with, however consciously: Deontology, Utilitarianism and Pragmatic Ethics.

Deontology

Note: not to be confused with Dianetics.

Please allow me to break it down for you: "Act only according to that maxim whereby you can, at the same time, will that it should become a universal law." Most obvious example, and being religious is not a prerequisite for deontology, is obeying a word of a chosen God or religion.

Basically, following duties or rules, like the ten commandments, is moral, without worrying so much about the consequences.

Like, take the tenth commandment - do not covet your neighbor's wife...or any stuff your God has bestowed upon your neighbor, or friend, or coworker, or whatever, you get it. But in the literal case of the the dude banging his neighbor's wife, the immoral deontologist asks, "wait, is it still coveting if I think she's ugly and I was kind of drunk and she was totally DTF?"

Consequentialism

John Stuart Mill explains that Utilitarianism is simply the act that produces the most good for the most people. He also famously said to the two drunk chicks that just stumbled into the bar at his bachelor party: "Blowjobs for everybody!"

Clearly he gets his own philosopheez.

What's in it for you? Dude, if you look at Utilitarianism, under the Consequentialism tree, climb just one branch over and you'll find Egoism. Climb yet another branch over and you'll find another weirdo playing with his pud. Egoism, that's what's in it for you. Read on.

Basically it's the most good for either you (egoism) or everybody involved (utilitarianism). Let's look at the example of Mr. Mill's bachelor party from before, you know, to really drive the point home.

So John (Stuart Mill) is chillin' at the local watering hole with a couple (nine) of his closest philosobros, just bachelor partyin' it up, when those wayward drunk slores stumbled in. Being the good utilitarian bro that he is, he orders a round of Beej's for his friends, on the slores' human capital dime.

The egoist says, from Mill's perspective, "fuck yeah", homeboy get's a sloppy one from a chick, and all his crusty-ass pals do too. #winning

The utilitarian sees a whole lot of good for the most (ten bros), however unfortunately, at the expense of the least (two hos). Whoever said "bros before hos" just may be a utilitarian.

Pragmatic Ethics

John Dewey is the name most associated with Pragmatic Ethics. What does it mean? It means that ethical pragmatists believe that much like science, the morals of a society are constantly in flux, never quite complete. As the society moves forward, their ethics and morals will be updated.

Why should you give a shit? Because it's the ultimate "you're wrong, suck a fat one." While I can't think of many things that are more subjective than philosophy and ethics and morals 'n shit, it's hard to argue with lab-tested S.C.I.E.N.C.E. And dropping science references, or even just saying the word "science" in arguments is a surefire way to win.

Let's look at a common real-life sitch: your college girlfriend of six months won't indulge your scat fetish? Easy, take the philosophical high road, and gently explain to her that while yeah, right now shawtie ain't down with the brown, her opinion on the matter is incomplete and just hasn't quite evolved to where it's supposed to be.

So baby-girl that's hardly a solid reason for you to not let me dump all over you.

Think PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!! sucks so far? I don't think tomorrow's PHILOSOPUMP is going to do anything to change that!

PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!! kick off

2011-10-03T06:42:00.021-04:00

Welcome to the first edition of PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!! What exactly is PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!!, you ask? Well it's going to be a week-worth of posts, somehow related to philosophy, however tangential.

It could be a random thought I had while at the gym, driving in traffic, watching a movie, whatever. I'm not promising anything novel or earth-shattering, just a general, very general, theme to this week's posts. One thing you can be sure of is that I will use PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!! as a soap box to act better than you.

You won't find any utilitarianism here, folks. It's all about ME ME ME and what I have to say, turds.

Having recently lost my job, I was trying to think of excuses for myself, trying to find a scapegoat for my failures. Naturally, the last thing I want to do is blame myself, when it would be so much easier to just have a meltdown and lash out at others.

Besides, do I really want to come crying home to my hot, successful, smart wife all "wah wah I got fired?" Nah.

So I came up with a relatively happy medium, taking some of the blame directly off me, personally, and while still managing to deflect some of it still at me, though impersonally:

We're all human and many of our problems in life come as a product of humanity - our own humanity.

Yes, there are malicious people out to get you, but many times, our failures, our shortcomings, come from our natural human nature that leads us into the unpromised land of failure once in a while. It could be a multitude of things (forgetfulness, not being able to finish strong, procrastination, you being a fucking idiot, whatever), all things that we are mostly likely, at least acutely aware of, no matter how subconsciously. Probably things, bad habits, that we even want to fix.

The dude who gets fired at work doesn't get shit-canned because his boss loves to go around firing people. He got canned because he can't control his own impulsive, carnal urges that force him to whack off at his cube, in the women's bathroom again, in the conference room, everywhere. That's certainly not to defend his actions (though heck yeah, man as a corporate entity, completely and fully supports workplace-whackin'), this was just the first appropriate example that came to mind, not to mention what kind of spurred this partic'ler post.

And realizing that people are just human, many times not out there to specifically cause you harm by putting their own interests above yours, might be a great first step to reconciling the unsavory acts of others. The pain we may perceive as a supposed victim may merely be a byproduct of the poor decisions, the ignorance of another, or even many times, our own goddamn fault. Take a closer look; think about it objectively for once and you might see that you fucked up.

As humans, we are quick to judge, to first pretend that we are above reproach, that we are above succumbing to whatever it is that we are judging. We fail to put ourselves in another's shoes, instead deciding that we would never stoop to that level.

"I would never take a broad on a date to the movies, order a large tub of popcorn, cut a hole in the bottom, set it on my lap, and stick my wiener up through that hole. Yeah, I would never do that."

While many of us wouldn't, many still do.

But also easier said than done: not using that fallible-human defense as a crutch to defend our own excesses, poor choices, and dastardly deeds is a tough habit to break. My vices, bad habits or unacceptable offenses against humanity cannot be easily brushed aside with the "I'm only human" explanation, the same way I can't laugh off me repeatedly yelling at my wife over spilled milk because, "I have faults, man; I'm not perfect."

Also because my wife is awesome and doesn't care when I spill milk. In fact, after grocery shopping yesterday, I took each of the three brand spankin' new gallons of 1% milk just bought and threw them at the TV because THE HOUSTON TEXANS FUCKING KEEP DRAWING FLAGS WHEN RETURNING BLOCKED KICKS AND INTERCEPTIONS FOR TOUCHDOWNS AND THEY'RE MY FANTASY FOOTBALL DEFENSE THIS WEEK, and heckyeahwoman didn't even get mad.

Because of the nature of most crappy things that happen on an interpersonal level, everyday things - talking about actions sans any real malice - to spend time being crushed by the weight of the transgressions of another, or even circumstances truly beyond your control is to not be fully engaged in life.

And that kind of sucks.

the nervous colon

2011-09-30T06:48:00.004-04:00

After the success of my awesome new red boxers story on Monday, I thought it appropriate to cap this week off with another work-related story. Though this story features the rear side of that nether region of my body.

Many of you know that I worked at Dairy Queen during part of High School and a couple years into college. I started out just a normal dude workin' the counter, lovin' life, lovin' work. Wasn't long before I was promoted to "Team Leader", where I got a raise and was able to be in charge during shifts and open and close the store.

It was awesome. Seriously the best job ever.

I remember one particularly rough night partying, knowing full well that I had to be in to the Q early, around 8am-ish, to open the store.

Didn't stop me. Didn't stop my friend from ignoring my mild protests and feeding me more shots of that shitty rum and cans of Red Dog. Whatever, he was driving.

Like a goddamn runaway freight train barreling into a small congregation of baby-filled strollers and their MILFY mothers, 8am came hard and it came fast.

That goddamn alarm was screaming in my hear, my head was pounding, and working was the last thing I wanted to do. Even worse, because I was opening, it was gonna be a couple hours before the ice cream was even gonna be ready. "Eh, it's Saturday, the owner's probably not even going to be in," I assured myself.

As I arrived, yep, there was the maroon Chevy Suburban.

Crawled outta my whip, tried a few times to punch in the code of the always-locked back door that protects us from the weirdos outside before the owner greeted me with that constant smile of his from the other side of the door's window, let me in, and gave me a warm greeting.

Did a pretty good job of initially hiding my poor condition, choked out good morning, and jumped right into my opening duties.

The thing about opening and closing the store that made it great, were the lists. You had a checklist that you could literally go down, and make sure each duty was done sufficiently. Easy enough, right? Nah, not when you're rushing to get things done, and somebody inevitably fucks up their duties, leaving you with a choice - it's good enough (you leave it); it needs a little work (half-assed effort to fix it); or it needs to be redone (you sonofabitch).

And just like that, as I was crossing things off my list, for some reason when I started brewing the coffee, the smell got to me and my innards started brewing something of their own. Long story short, I made a mad dash for the men's room and moaned, groaned and blasted that poor terlet for what seemed like an eternity. Sweating, bleeding, probably a little bit of dying: it was a violent affair.

Twenty minutes later, as I'm stumbling back to my duties, I hear the owner beckon for me from his office.

"Oh, you don't look so good today."

"Yeah, I've felt better, maybe the flu."

"Yeah, sounds like it. Listen, it sounds like you might have a nervous colon. I have the same problem. Sometimes when I get up early, all the time, I have to go to the bathroom. Usually I just try to account for that and get up a little earlier."

"Huh, I'll try that next time."

And the worst part, on the weekends, they have a couple 14 year olds come in and dip the Dilly Bars for a couple hours. Oddly, one of their duties was to do a bathroom check, and any bathroom cleaning.

OWNED

this is shit, volume 1

2011-09-28T06:48:00.010-04:00

We're gonna try something a little different here, this HUMP DAY. Truth is, I'm unemployed, a failure, and really have no direction. My wife is a beautiful, very intelligent scientist, married to a complete shithead on a downward spiral.

I even totally forgot about her birthday on Sunday. Haha just kidding, of course I didn't!

With that said, instead of trying to find that extra HUMP to PUMP us up through the rest of the week, let's wallow in my shittiness. Let's see if I can bring you down with me. Cause I don't really have a "rest of the week" that needs PUMPING through. My weekends blur into Monday, and then Tuesday, and then Wednesday, and all of a sudden it's Friday.

Though being unemployed is kind of a PUMP in and of itself, and the unexpected vacation is very much welcome, there's still that shadow of failure hanging over my head.

So I present to you the anti-PUMP: this is shit, volume 1

Our first example of shit - pure, complete and utter - comes from a one John Coltrane. Have I ever heard anything more from Mr. Coltrane past the ten minutes of overly rambunctious jazzshit heard below?

No. And I can live with that.

The rest of his catalog could be faithful Maroon 5 covers of the best songs they've done and I'd still think it was shit. Fact is, I just don't like jazz. And I don't think anybody really does. Yeah, people say they do, but that's out of some intrinsic need to impress people, not to convey genuine appreciation of an unspeakably stale genre of music.

What makes this so completely, utterly, and purely shit?

A lot of things actually. About 17, to be exact.

Take 17 different brassholes, tell them to play that horrible new solo they've been working on, and record it for ten minutes. Then somewhere around 3:15, they actually recorded Canadian geese honking just out of time with some dickhead's warbling trumpet. I hate nature so much.

Off the top of my head, I don't think I could name anybody that I personally know that is a John Coltrane fan, not that their status or level of Coltrane-fandom is something I often discuss with friends and family or anything.

But luckily a quick Google search of "fans of John Coltrane" did yield a telling glimpse of an average Coltrane fan.

Compelling evidence for a check mark on the side of shit indeed.

And the final reason why this is shit is...while writing this up, I played the entire ten minute clip and actually started to not mind it at the end.

utter shit

new red boxers

2011-09-26T06:47:00.009-04:00

Hope everybody had a great weekend. We celebrated Heckyeahwoman's birthday Saturday night and all day on Sunday. She got some great gifts, excluding mine, cause it sucked, or, in her words: "it's the gayest gift ever."

Nevertheless, we had a nice little Sunday with a Bloody Mary or two, a couple leprechaun bombs, awesome brunch at the local gay bar, beautiful weather and our favorite pizza. Let's talk about "new red boxers":

Long before I threw my support behind banana hammocks, I was rocking boxer briefs. This is a short tale of one of my experiences with new boxer briefs.

I don't know, I think I was at Target or something, threw a 3-pack of boxer briefs into the cart, not really thinking much of it. It was time for a couple new pairs of undies, so yeah, there we were.

Don't know about you, but I usually try to wash undergarments immediately after purchase. You know, people are gross and return policies can be so lax sometimes. It was late Sunday evening and laundry was the last thing I felt like doing. Besides, the package was untampered with. Wore a new pair Monday morning, and it was everything I thought it would be.

Got to the office around 7:30ish - in the morning. Yeah, that was rough. Those were some long ass days, early mornings till around 6 or 6:30 at night. That's beside the point. I was about to experience some of the most intense, short-lived stress that I've ever felt.

So it's probably around 9:00am and the coffee is surging through me like a blitzing linebacker, gotta pee bro. Surprised I even made it that long. Just standing there in the one-person bathroom, doing my business when I glance down admiringly at my wang, and see red splotches on it.

WHAT?

This can't be right.

I looked closely, while handling it delicately. My heart was beating furiously.

I tried to wipe it off, nothing. Very nervous now.

It was like all my energy had been drained, like someone stuck a spigot in my neck and opened the floodgates. I just wanted to sink into the ground. Can totally still feel that exact same feeling of overwhelming despair when I think back about it.

Very nervously heading back to my cube, I sat down, but needed another look. First I did a little stealth search on the internet, but came up with nothing that made me feel better. Yeah, gonna have to look again.

Back to the bathroom.

By this point I was sweating, and my mind was wandering. No way was I going to be able to work until my wein regained it's status as a shining beacon of awesome.

Back to the bathroom, for real this time.

Obviously I didn't have to pee, but I whipped it out, and peered at it furiously. Yep, red splotches were still there. Almost naturally I grabbed a handful of toilet paper, ran it under the sink for a second, and wiped on my dong.

Gone. The dong was clean.

That was too easy, this can't be.

After inspecting the business end of the wad of wet toilet paper, I was hugely relieved to see the culprit: red lint from my new red boxers.

It was just the goddamn lint. Had I washed them the night before, surely that would have taken care of the lint.

Ungoddamn believable.

That feeling of relief, of weight being lifted off my shoulders is what I go back to in my mind as my happy place. I suggest you all do the same.

i read book

2011-09-23T06:43:00.009-04:00

Yeah so I read a book one time last week. I highly enjoyed it, and thought I would write a little piece about a piece of writing. If that interests you, read on. If not, read on.

Present at the Creation by Amir D. Aczel

Dr. Aczel, having written multiple books on similar subjects, presents the story of CERN and the Large Hadron Collider in a fast paced, very story-like fashion. His understanding of particle physics and quantum mechanics informs his explanations of complex and obscure principles, which are done in such a lucid style that they will fascinate even the most physics-uninclined shithead.

The absence of equations, combined with a sprinkling of humor, really transforms it into a compelling story, as opposed to just a textbook regurgitation of complex theories and equations meant merely to show readers how intelligent the author is. And really going beyond particle physics, he tells a little bit about each of the dozens of scientists that contributed to the field, to get to where we are today - from personal anecdotes, to humorous accounts of conversations between scientists, to lightly touching on a couple rivalries between scientists.

In the past year or so, there have been multiple books written about the same subject - the pending and possible discovery of the Higgs Boson (more on that later). In fact, I'm currently reading one now, and Present at the Creation, I find to be overall a better read, with no small credit due to the author.

That after reading the book in question, I was enthralled enough to read another on the same topic, should tell you all you need to know. If you've ever had a passing interest in physics, the creation of the universe, black holes, or anything related, this is a great place to start.

What? CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research (Organization used to be Council - the C; the acronym was always bungled) is in the physics research space, most recently known for building a particle accelerator, the Large Hadron Collider. It smashes together particles at very high energies. You may recall a light hysteria over the imagined dangers, namely a black hole swallowing the earth, from a couple years back. Research from the LHC will supposedly (and hopefully) lead to the discovery of the Higgs Boson, a particle that is believed to give other particles mass when they interact. Obviously, the implications are huge - why is anything, anything? Because it has mass, that's why.

Additionally, they hope to find out what the deal is with antimatter (every particle in the Standard Model of physics has an antiparticle that is its twin, with an opposite charge and when they meet, they annihilate. Somehow, after the Big Bang, matter curiously won out over antimatter); to bring to light more about dark energy and dark matter (research says that you only see about 4-5% of mass in the universe); to explore the possibilities of hidden dimensions (up to ten or eleven, and I had trouble wrapping my head around the fourth, space-time); and finally, to learn a little bit more about black holes (don't jump in one!). Of course, they wouldn't be mad if some other burning question gets randomly answered, like, who shot JR?

Huh? So CERN built this multi-billion dollar, huge, scientific contraption (over the France - Switzerland border, close to Geneva and the alps. The beams of particles shoot around this underground 16.5 mile tunnel, powered by tens of thousands of tons of gigantic magnets, until they reach just shy of the speed of light. Then some dude, or chick, probably in a white robe, probably with a PhD and a couple pubs under his or her belt, directs them to collide.

Particles smashing together at very high speeds - imagine a one-way street with two huge semis (not the flesh, half-filled-with-blood kind of semis) careening towards each other as fast as they can go, then colliding. Main differences here is that when the particles collide, there is valuable data to be had, where as when the semis collide, we just hope somebody caught it on youtube.

Anyway, they're doing all this high energy particle smooshing to emulate literally shades of a second just after the big bang, right before things started becoming things. Upon collision, the particles collide, and since energy and matter cannot be truly destroyed, we get a whole bunch of different particles. By using weird things like theories, mathematics, physics and computers, they think they know what they're looking for and have an inkling that they'll know it when they see it (particle reaction trails, energy calculations, mass approximations, photons being emitted, and electrons jumpin' all around, etc.).

Since the book was written in 2010, they're still looking to wrap up experiments at the current energy level (7 TeV, read: shitloads of energy) sometime this fall, with a much better idea of whether or not the Higgs Boson does exist by end of the year/early 2012. The plan is to do some maintenance so the energy level that it currently accommodates can be doubled, all the way to 14 TeV (a double shitload of energy). Think of this as an excuse: "oh yeah, heh, about the billions of dollars we're requesting for maintenance - uh, the data is inconclusive, we need a higher energy level." Bigger, faster, more is a way of life not just for America's slovenly masses, but for quantum physicists too.

Bottom Line: I'm kind of a turd and not as much of it went over my head as should have.

[purchase]

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: MORTPUMP

2011-09-21T06:36:00.000-04:00

What do we have in this world if we don't have time? I don't know and I don't care. No time to get all deep and thoughtful. Just time to get PUMPED.

It's true, in my new found unemployment, I am keeping busy. Very busy. Heckyeahwoman's got things for me to do, I got things to do, and it's so much harder to do them while sleeping till at least noon every day!

One of the things I'm NOT doing a lot of is watching tons of TV. Since my unemployment over the last week and a half, I've probably watched about 20 minutes of TV during the day. And that's great cause I hate TV, along with a lot of other people-related things.

Lucky for us, I did manage to flip on the boob tube at just the right time - to catch this 30 second PUMPvertisement. Watch this commercial and tell me if you don't just PUMP yourself into a WTF-induced frenzy right around :025!

OK, the question I'm sure you're asking yourself is, WHO THE FUCK IS MORT CRIM AND WHY SHOULD I MENTION HIM? EVER?

Mention some creepy old dude and get a discount!

Does that work everywhere? Is MORT CRIM some universal name to be dropped for deals? Can I go to JC Penneys and just start blurting out MORT CRIM, MORT CRIM mid-checkout? Will that automatically give me the hook up?

What if when I'm paying my credit card online, I close my eyes and whisper MORT CRIM seven times, will that Ctrl+Z my charges?

Either way, I'm going to be belching out MORT CRIM at every available opportunity, discount or not. Mid-sentence, during job interviews, over dinner with my wife, when my mom calls, doesn't matter.

MORT CRIM!

Old MORT CRIM has got my PUMP juices a-flowin'!

This next video was one of the suggested videos from the previous, and if you know anything about me, you know that racism and stereotypes are two of my favorite things that PUMP ME UP. After all, you wouldn't have racism without stereotypes, and you couldn't have the latter without a GOOD FUCKING REASON!

Get PUMPED as a younger, much creepier MORT CRIM look-a-like goes on with his mildly racist schtick.

Imagine my UNPUMP when I learned that the above video was a parody, and not intended to make anybody feel bad! Bummer! Still, if you're not feeling the PUMP at :28, when the little Indian parody guy pops across the bottom of the screen, I couldn't begin to fathom how joyless your life is!

C'mon, indulge a little, GET PUMPED!

And tell me if this isn't the catchiest goddamn song to PUMP you through these dreary, unemployed times.

monday morning advice

2011-09-19T06:42:00.005-04:00

Little bit of funny I found from an advice column.

Q. Do all men look at porn? Seriously? It used to bother me so much that I found my husband looking at porn so much. We have an active sex life and a good marriage. He is looking at very "normal" stuff. Why do they do it? I've resigned myself not to get upset about it anymore, but it does bother me to an extent.

A: The fact that you asked this question, or series of questions, tells me that you don't know men at all. You may be an antisocial shut-in too. Chances are pretty good that you are pretending to be married, and imagining your husband/good marriage/active sex life. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that you're probably a dude that has been called "tuna can" one too many times.

Nevertheless, assuming you're a happily married woman, porn is kind of an unspoken truth in relationships where men are involved.

Here's to me the real problem left unmentioned: watching porn and not whacking off. The question I pose to you, weirdo, is if your husband is going to watch porn, why is he not slapping his salami to the point of no return? (that was rhetorical; don't answer) What is the point?

Even worse, I can't imagine beating my meat when my wife is home. No matter the size of the house (or my dong heck yeah!) or how secluded my man-lair may be, there is really no time I'd feel secure doing my thing with myself. It's sketchy enough when she's not even home. What if she walks in again!?!?

Anyway, to address your queries, yes, almost all men look at porn. I think it's pretty obvious why they do it - cause big ass glistenin' titties are awesome and watching some bimbo get plowed is way better than whatever you are currently doing (unless you're plowing some bowels right now, however doubtful that may be).

Q. Please Help Me—Tickling Co-Worker Problem!: This is going to sound like a ridiculous problem. I work part time at my mom's office, and one of my co-workers repeatedly tickles me. If I happen to be standing while sorting out documents or something, she will sneak up behind me and either poke or tickle my sides. It irritates the hell out of me as I am an extremely ticklish person. I usually burst into giggles and she seems to find this amusing. I have asked her to stop, politely and firmly, then angrily. She thinks the whole thing is a joke and doesn't take me seriously. I am the youngest employee here, and she does this only to me, maybe because she thinks it's a cute way of relating to the little girl who works at the office. I have to restrain myself from punching her in the face because it's been going on for several weeks. I can't exactly avoid her in a small office, either. When I told Mom how annoying this co-worker was, she didn't really respond, because, "Mom, Sally at work keeps tickling me" doesn't sound like a big problem. I'm thinking of quitting my job because this is so annoying and I HATE, HATE, HATE being tickled. Can you offer any advice on how to get her to stop?

A: This is not even real lol. First, I think we can safely assume we're dealing with two women here and the question will be answered as such. Don't really see two dudes tickling each other, much less one writing into an advice column about it. Maybe the tickler is a broad and the ticklee is a dude and he doesn't quite know how to handle the sitch. In his shoes, I'd probably be tempted to slug the violent tickler, (ir)regardless of gender.

Whatevs, letttuce dispense with the advice, friends. It's true, tattling to your mother, the boss, about another coworker tickling you isn't a viable solution; DON'T DO IT. You have to handle this on your own, ticklish one. Show your parents you can rise above a little tickle-action. Maybe start a full blown tickleWAR. Mount a strategic tickle-offensive. Only the thing is, my tickles hurt; at heckyeahman industries, we tickle exclusively with Smith & Wesson .357 magnums, ya smell me.

Or you can be an adult about the situation and the next time you get tickleassaulted, just stand there and give that classic one-eyebrow-raised, half smirk/half frown look of disgust, and mutter something about working in an office, being 30, and condescendingly say things like "really" and "wow, you're tickling me".

"I already told you to stop tickling me, and you're going to continue to touch me inappropriately in the office? Not sure, but you do know that we live in America, right? People and companies have been sued for much lesser offenses. You do know what a lawsuit is, right?"

It should be noted that the original answer referred to this quandary not as a problem, but as ABUSE. Going further, her suggestion is to loudly demand the ABUSER not ever touch her again.

Hey man, anything to STOP THE ABUSE AT ALL COSTS!

the simple joys of being strong

2011-09-16T06:47:00.001-04:00

McDonald's is just begging me to go on a woman-beating spree. What? Yeah.

Watching TV a little bit over the last couple nights, this stupid advertisement would come on at least once or twice an hour.

And it would consistently piss me off.

I don't know if you're seeing what I'm seeing, but the dimwitted husband is making small talk, and his wife automatically assumes the worst -that he's scheming to get out of doing some menial task - painting the garage. Like she even thinks highly enough of him, that he'd be able to scheme about anything.

So she jumps all over him with "BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH fine then I guess we'll do the alternate weather-proof activity."

Let's face the facts here:

1. It's a commercial featuring a husband and wife.
2. Television advertisement relationship rules are now in play: the wife is hotter and smarter and the husband is dumber and goofier.
3. Not totally related, but fuck feminists; wait, on second thought, rape them.

Yeah. Anyway, dude gets unintentionally outsmarted by his wife.

Now picture this, if I were that guy, owned by his wife in front of millions of television viewers like that, I woulda reacted.

Say this in a nasally, yet kind of hostile voice: FUGGIN' REEEEE-AAAAAACT-TIIIIIIID

I'd get that crazy look in my eyes, stand up, flip the table over, point my finger in her stupid fragile face and scream at the top of my lungs "DON'T YOU TRY TO ACT BETTER THAN ME!" Then I'd calmly walk to the unfreshly painted garage, grab the biggest wrench I could find, and beat that slut to death with it.

As the camera pans out over her bloody corpse, the man's voice is heard: "The simple joys of being smart? Heh, the simple joys of being stronger".

And one last thing, how insulted are you that Mickey D's would suggest that merely purchasing anything from a dollar menu makes you smart? I can go to the park a block away and literally shovel dog shit into my mouth for hours on end, for free, and it has roughly the same nutritional value as anything on that goddamn dollar menu; does that make me smart?

No, it just makes me pissed off.

But then a couple weeks ago, this commercial would be on multiple times per hour, and suddenly the world is a better place.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: MOMVISIT

2011-09-14T06:46:00.002-04:00

Our internet has been out since FUCKING SUNDAY NIGHT. Do you have any idea how fucking shitty it is to not have internet for the first weekend of fantasy football? What a bunch of fucking shit. FUCK YOU COMCAST, FUCK YOU ANYBODY ELSE THAT IS HAMPERING MY INTERNETTING.

Back to the PUMP, cause yo we can’t be stopped, just kinda delayed. People want the PUMP and whether it’s at 6:43am or fucking noon, I’m gonna bring the goddamn PUMP.

Enough doom ‘n gloom bullshit, let’s get to the PUMP so we can POWER THROUGH the rest of this goddamn shitty week.

Yo, so my mom came to visit last weekend. She got into town Friday evening and before I could even give her a hug, she throws a bottle of Jack Daniels at me (the whiskey, not the person). And don’t even ask: nobody brushed their teeth with it.

After chilling at the crib for a minute, we went and got pizza at goddamn UNDERGRAD CENTRAL. How undergrad was it? It was fucking raining and I still saw more fake Ray Bans than I could count. But yo, Ms. HYM wanted pizza, we frickin’ got pizza.

Eatin’ pizza with your mom and your wife pays for it PUMP!

Rained on Saturday, but that didn’t stop us from CRUSHING Borders at their going-out-of-business liquidation sale! Fifty bucks later we all had like up to 9 books! BOOK FANCY LITERATURE PUMP!

Finally the sun started to come out so we headed downtown to some stupid Farmer’s Market Homegrown Festival thing. Heckyeahwoman dropped us off, and before she could even find a parking spot, I called and ordered her to pick us up. Yeah, it was that lame. Lines and Lame-o’s, no thanks.

Have you ever heard you mom say: “yo this lame as shit let’s get the ferk outta here, cuz.”

Funny, cause my mom totally said that. Then she called me the gayest ninny bastard she’s ever seen. I think she was sneaking tugs off my flask before we left. Anyway, then we immediately headed to Alley Bar so my mom could sample a Pickleback – a shot of Jameson immediately chased with a shot of gourmet pickle juice.

Yes, gourmet pickle juice.

Then of course a little later that night, the Wolverines had an amazing comeback victory spearheaded by this year’s Heisman Trophy winner, Denard Robinson.

Sunday was a beautiful day; I took my mom on two and a half hour bike ride around Ann Arbor. She probably thought I was trying to kill her with all the hills we had to go up, and with us getting lost. But yo, I was biking too fast, I hain’t got time for a sense of direction.

Got home to check fantasy football and not only was I killing it, but Ray Rice and the Ravens were putting the fucking hammer down on the dirty, cheap shot Steelers! Loved that!

James Harrison getting slowly crushed by the massive weight of defeat PUMP!

In summary, it was great to have my mom visit, but she made us eat and drink more than we planned on.

And just because that’s the end of today’s HUMP DAY PUMP UP, don’t think for a second that the PUMP isn’t coming back in FULL EFFECT this weekend, with Heckyeahwoman’s dad coming to visit! PUMPTIME!

bitch move etiquette

2011-09-12T06:43:00.003-04:00

Disregard the title for a minute please. My mom came to town on Friday evening sometime, and we are PUMPED to have our first visitors from the HeckyeahMAN side of the family, in Ann Arbor.

I would have included this on last HUMP DAY'S PUMP UP, but I totally forgot. Besides, I think there was more than enough PUMP to go around. Think of this as an extra little bonus pre-PUMP as we jump into the week: my mom visits and Heckyeahwoman's mother in law visits. PUMP!

On to the regularly scheduled post, entitled, "bitch move etiquette". Again, I emphasize this has nothing to do with my mom. I was just at a friend's house a couple months ago, doin' some drinking and it was time to leave and this thought crossed my mind.

Your friend invites you over to crush a couple cold ones - you naturally bring over whatever it is you're going to drink for the night. Common courtesy, right? Yeah. If you're not a complete total chunk of fucking bullshit, you'll bring over enough to share. Maybe you bring over a little whiskey for shots, or some wine coolers for the kids.

I'm sure you get it.

Friday night, probably even early Saturday morning, it's getting late, people are loaded, we're about ready to take off. But there are two beers left in the fridge.

Do you take them?

NO YOU DON'T TAKE THEM YOU PRICK.

I think the general rule is to leave whatever alcohol you brought over.

You leave them in the fridge as a token of gratitude to your friend(s) for letting the party take place at their house, for putting up with a bunch of drink idiots, for them seeing in the morning how badly you missed the toilet while taking many leaks, among other drunken, semi-forgivable transgressions.

Before I knew of this general etiquette, like in college, I would totally take home my two, three or one beer(s). Looking back now I am kind of embarrassed.

Say you go ahead and pull the bitch move and grab the last two beers from the scenario above. Michigan is a deposit state, meaning you pay ten cents for each beer can or bottle you buy. Then you return them at the grocery store for your money back.

Do you also grab the ten empties so you can get your goddamn dollar?

Well if you're ***ish enough to take your two full beers, what's stopping you from taking the ten empties you sneakily placed to the side, you premeditating recycling cheapskate you?

Hey man, if you gotta recycle, might as well get your deposit back.

Speaking of bitch moves, I saw some dumb bitch at the gym spill shit all over. Twice. First her water bottle splashed all over her face, spilling water all over the floor. After a slightly embarrassed smile, she looked down at the water puddle on the floor, sheepishly smiled, and moved right along.

And then a little later, she was (kindly) wiping the machine down, using the spray bottle, but then made a big mess because the cap wasn't on tight and it was leaking all over the goddamn place. Again, a sheepish smile, and she just moved on to the next machine in her pathetic circuit workout.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING YOU JUST WIPED DOWN ONE MACHINE, YOU HAVE A PAPER TOWEL IN YOUR HAND CLEAN UP YOUR MESS, MUFFINTOP!

Wrap your head around that: a dumb bitch pulling bitch moves. So meta.

I HATE KISS

2011-09-09T06:50:00.000-04:00

Busy day yesterday, totally forgot to finish a post.

But the following gif and picture are way funnier than anything I could have produced. Besides, my mom is coming to town today and we're all gonna party furiously.

Hate KISS, but love this.

Unbelievable. I would totally walk up, ask if he minds if I have a seat and deal him a hand of poker.

We'll talk about about real bitch moves on Monday, and I'm hearing rumblings of a little something I like to call PHILOSOPHY WEEK!!! coming up soon. We'll keep you posted.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: ALWAYS SUNNY

2011-09-07T06:43:00.004-04:00

So I've been acutely aware of the show, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, since it started in like 2005. I remember it was always on after Rescue Me, but I never watched it, cause I just didn't give a fo.

For the most part, I thought it looked stupid. Also, many of my friends thought the show was hilarious, which normally would be a good reason for me to check something out - but they also considered themselves avid Simpsons fans, regularly watched Flight of the Concords or straight up I just hated them. Anyways, three HUGE red flags, among many.

So I never watched the show.

That is, until Heckyeahwoman and I got essentially DVD-raped by our friends in Ann Arbor. Funny thing here, that same friend recently asked me why I never mention her on HYM, so here you go, *******: thank you for forcing your It's Always Sunny Season 1 DVDs on and in us.

After deciding to check out the show, I remember thinking how stupid it was going to be. What I didn't plan on was being totally wrong! Show was hilarious!

Oh, I see you, you don't believe me. Well, believe me, and get PUMPED:

Two of my favorites right there - kittens and funny! Those two always make for such a great combination!

This next one was in the first season, don't remember which episode. Double PUMP here: the funny PUMP and racial implications PUMP, of course those two go together like pooping and post-poop quick-showering, you smell me.

Obviously we saved the best PUMP for last, THE IMPLICATION. Watch and get PUMPED as the delicate topic of rape is broached. And while we are vehemently against rape the roughly 60% of the time when it really is rape, we can't help but be enthralled, and in turn PUMPED UP, by THE IMPLICATION.

I see the periodic ads for a new season, but I honestly don't care - we haven't even finished the first season. Let that be a PUMP lesson to you: don't just blindly follow the PUMP, take your time and nurture the PUMP, and ye shall be handsomely rewarded with a fully ripened PUMP.

getting philosophical

2011-09-02T06:48:00.001-04:00

Been having a kind of philosophical week. Philosophical in the sense that a couple things occurred to me, and while they're aren't really life-altering, I just kind of wanted to address them. And adding "philosophical" really churches things up, IMO.

I'm 30 a thirty year old salesperson. Of the three jobs I've had since college, none have required a college degree. Even though I have since paid off my student loans, I could have skipped college and would now be tens of thousands of dollars richer, albeit only a couple tens. Eh, you win some, you lose some.

Since graduating, I've watched my wife get a Masters degree and then a doctorate. Pretty awesome cause she's really smart. But like Seinfeld says, "what is that doctor doing with that salesman?"

Really makes me thank my parents for passing on the genes that made me so good looking and surprisingly awesome, in lieu of brains.

So in order to make up for my academic and collegiate shortcomings, I have this blog. And with this blog come some pretty profound ideas.

The first thing I want to talk about are books. I don't know if it's me or what, but it seems that books are more prestigious than movies or DVDs. You go to a friend's house and see a huge shelf of DVDs and immediately think, "wow you fucking dork." You go to your next friend's house and see a monstrous bookshelf full of books and immediately think, "yeah no fucking way you read all those, but still, impressive." If you're not as cynical as I am, you'll probably just be kind of impressed.

Thing is, books seem to have this stigma of "elite", "intellectual" or even just "smart" attached to them. But why? Because you can learn so much more from every book in the world than from every movie in the world? Maybe.

What about this - what do you do when you're reading? Probably smoking a fine cigar, sitting in a nice reading jacket, sipping tea (or wine or champagne). What are you doing when watching a movie? Probably either getting drunk (we'll get to that later) or if you're with a chick, trying to scam on the slore.

With books having this almost implied superiority over movies, you'd think it would be an automatic candidate for something that really sucks (other examples: hipsters, chicks that aren't DTF, people from New York that always tell you they're from New York).

You know what, forget it; nothing I've typed so far has really changed my mind about books being better than movies.

Also overrated: Lady Gaga. She is just a more accessible Marilyn Manson with a good voice and poppy songs. Everything about her has totally been done before, including her, hard. Besides, I find the insanely autotuned songs way catchier anyway.

Something redeeming: she actually did a risque photoshoot for some European magazine a week or two ago and in one of the shots you can see her boobs. I guess when she looks normal/kinda strung out and trashy that she's kinda hot.

Otherwise, totally FUCK THAT BITCH AND HER GAY BULLSHIT. Like, I was all for gay rights until I saw Lady Gaga advocating for them. I'm all for eating bacon, hating the environment and blasting chicks, but if I ever saw Kanye West or Oprah Winfrey advocating for those causes, I'd totally have to rethink my views.

Long story short, I hate Lady Gaga.

Last thing, and maybe most controversial: Drinking.

Yeah, drinking is overrated. I was sitting at home the other day, pretty drunk, and asked myself, "why am I even drinking; why am I drunk?"

The answer to the latter question is obvious, but seriously, why?

Really, drinking is pretty stupid. How does it make my life better? I try not to get hangovers anymore, so I don't usually get drunk enough to make really bad decisions, but usually just drunk enough to get really FUCKING ANGRY about politics.

And I think we've been through the vicious cycle thing enough around here.

Some people argue that they like the taste of different alcohols. I can't argue with that, but I'll take your taste preference and raise you one: image and aesthetics. Yeah, what is harder than a grown man, pissed off at the world, sipping on warm whiskey?

With a .357 magnum clutched tightly in his left hand?

Nothing. Alcohol wins.

For now.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: FOOTBALL

2011-08-31T06:37:00.005-04:00

Yeah you knew this was coming!

FOOTBALL SEASON IS PRACTICALLY HERE. Truth is, I don't really care about football season as much as I care about FANTASY FOOTBALL SEASON.

Living in Ann Arbor, just outside of Detroit, I know a lot of Lions fans. Haha yeah, sucks for them. Only team to go 0-16. They're on the upswing now though and I see so much hope at the office you'd think Obama was there sewing the seeds of more of the same.

Not the case - no change, friends: both politically and with regards to the Lions. Check this out, how do the Lions compete with this?

Look closely and you can see Aaron Rodgers mouth something right before he steps up to the gun. I think he says, "man who da fugg r these twinkz? Watch dizz shih."

Then he threads the needle from 18 yards out TOUCHDOWN!

And yeah, that dude that got OWNED, the Colt's linebacker, his name is Angerer. ANGERER. That's his name. What a bad ass name.

Only way it could be any more bad ass is if somebody would have thrown an "I" in there to make it ANGRIER.

Sorry you got torched bro.

Had my first (of two) fantasy football drafts yesterday. It was awesome. I don't even know who I wound up drafting because I'm typing this up on Monday and will probably be too loaded on Tuesday to update this. All I know is I have the 5th pick yet I have no clue who I'm taking.

Really tempted to draft a bunch of Lions to spite this kid I work with. Seriously, homeboy worships Matt Stafford.

Speaking of chubby-faced illiterate goofballs in sleeveless t-shirts, watch him get crushed, cough up the rock, then watch in helpless horror as the dreaded Chicago Bears recover.

PUMP levels are high with that sweet shot!

And the creme de la creme of PUMPS, the final seconds of the 0-16 2008 season, at Lambeau Field. GET PUMPED LIONS FANS!

Here's to a PUMP FILLED WEEK, and hey, 2011's gotta be better than 2008, right!??!?

Right?

short weekend wrap-up

2011-08-29T06:54:00.001-04:00

Hey I hope everybody had a great weekend. I sat inside with the air conditioning on HIGH, the shades pulled, lights off and cried. Was really cleansing.

See, that's the kind of fun married 30 year olds have when their wives are out of town.

In my tear-filled, chilled euphoria, I thought of a couple things that just don't sit well with me: first, the name Doug, and second, pleated pants.

Do you know somebody named Doug? Is that Doug a productive member of society at all? Does he have any socially redeeming qualities? If you answered no and no, you are in the same boat as millions of other Americans that know a Doug.

Please let me list off the few Dougs that I know:

Doug ********* - a fat, worthless schmuck that tried (successfully) to fight somebody bigger than him (my brother). No kidding, Doug pushed my brother's buttons until he got what he wanted, a fight. He wound up getting beat up. Twice.

It's whatever though, if he hadn't instigated the fight, surely his pisspoor name would have gotten him at least a black eye.

I feel like a I knew another Doug, a short, fat kid from elementary school. But he was so inconsequential in the grand scheme of things that I can't even remember. Ha, I bet even his own parents don't remember him.

Second thing that really chaps my assWho besides your dad, and you in 1st - 7th grade, still wears pleated pants? They look like fish gills that aren't functional at all and were added on as a last second embellishment.

Some goober I work with showed up to work with pleated pants one day a couple months back. Yeah. I'm talking the kind of kid that wear skinny jeans, trucker hats and deep v-neck shirts. Then homeboy shows up to the khaki game with pleats. Bush league, son.

Yeah, so another thing, Borders (the Ann Arbor-based book store) is going out of business and all their stores are unloading inventory at insane discounts, like up to 80%. Nothing less than 50%. It's awesome. Went to the first store closing back in March and we made a haul. It was funny, there were tons of Sarah Palin's newest book, "Going Rogue". Not sure why any an Ann Arbor bookstore would stock Sarah Palin-anything; when it comes to politics, this town is primarily made up of quasi-progressive dipshits barely capable of thinking for themselves.

Anyway there were tons of them (the books). Made a casual mention of it to my buddy, and he suggested he'd pick some up and give them as joke gifts. Kinda funny.

That store closed up without him purchasing mass amounts of discounted Sarah Palin books, truly heartbreaking.

This past Friday though, I went to the downtown store to hit their crazy discounts. Told my buddy, and he asked me to grab a couple of the Palin books if they were to be had at a nice discount.

Sure enough, they had a few. I grabbed three.

So there I am, checking out, six books total, half written by Sarah Palin. The same book. Dude at the checkout must have thought I was weird.

It was pretty embarrassing.

#TheAudacityOfHype

This post was cut short because the FUCKING SHITTY GODDAMN INTERNET AT HOME DOESN'T SEEM TO WORK FOR MORE THAN A MINUTE BEFORE CUTTING OUT. I fear that if I continue working like this I'm going to smash this fucking computer.

i don't know where to start

2011-08-26T06:43:00.001-04:00

Have you ever heard somebody say they didn't do something because they "don't know where to start?"

OK, as you probably guessed, I'm primarily talking about exercising.

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT KNOW WHERE TO START?!?!?!

Exercising is not hard; just do an activity vigorously enough to break a sweat or to get your heart rate up. Do it for a half an hour, three times a week. BOOM YOU JUST GOT SOME GODDAMN EXERCISE.

Am I missing something?

The funniest is when someone "doesn't know where to start" at the gym.

I don't think there is a more self explanatory or easier-to-use piece of machinery than a treadmill.

THEY HAVE CIRCUIT MACHINES FOR FUCKING IDIOTS THAT DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING. And most of the time they have directions on them. Yeah, directions. Instructions. Mind blowing.

The machines have a very strict range of motion that guides you with perfect form. All you have to do is set the weight to some minimal amount so you can bang out three shitty sets and feel good about yourself because you pretended to "workout". Even worse, there are pads all over the goddamn things so your wrinkly, fat skin doesn't even have to think about touching that mean, ugly metal.

Oh, that little curl machine is intimidating? You probably drive a car, a fucking deathtrap on wheels, and that's infinitely more dangerous than the tricep pushdown machine HOLY SHIT DO 100 PUSHUPS RIGHT NOW.

Yeah, but I don't want to be around all those meatheads and I'll look stupid. A couple things here. OK, you already look really stupid with that dumpy ass and those floppy arms. By taking initiative to get a little exercise, it's scientifically impossible to look even stupider. And about 75% of the gym inhabitants at my current gym are people that could definitely stand to lose a couple (hundred) pounds. There are some fit people, but there are just as many unfit people.

Just like the rest of your life, blend into the hungry, sweaty masses and refuse to be anything but mediocre (or worse).

I can't even tell you how many times I've been having a conversation with some fat turd about exercising and they give me that excuse.

I can't even tell you how pissed off I am right now and this is probably going to RUIN MY WEEKEND FUCK

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: ALONE TIME

2011-08-24T06:46:00.004-04:00

So normally I wouldn't be too PUMPED about Heckyeahwoman being away, but I need some alone time. And I'm not just talking about masturbating like a banshee all day. Nah, I haven't had a decent goddamn buffalo wing in at least six months.

OK, bad example, cause Heckyeahwoman is always more than happy to eat buffalo wings with me. And by "eat buffalo wings with me", I mean "eat a couple while I inhale the rest and get hot sauce all over my face."

IT LOOK LIKE THIS

I love CRUSHING BUFFALO WINGS PUMP

No but seriously, the first night I'll be extremely lonely and bummed, on the edge, needing only a slight push. A lot of sulking, a lot of pouting.

Within minutes, as the endless possibilities of DUDE-GLUTTONY start to sink in, I'll transform into PARTY MODE AND GET LOADED BY MYSELF.

That novelty will surely wear off as I wake up in the morning with a hangover.

Then it's time to get real. Really awesome.

Like driving million dollar cars into lakes awesome, you smell me.

Not sure what's going on Friday or Saturday night, but if nothin's poppin', I may just record a song or two. I imagine it'll be something like this:

After a couple hours of driving the neighbors nuts with my horrible covers of girlie songs, I'll probably get horny as fuck and decide to troll for chicks.

And by troll for chicks, I mean lurk skype or yahoo! chat rooms until I find a bitch that wants to video chat with me.

With my luck, I'll probably come across this slore:

Heckyeahwoman's slated to return on Tuesday, but I'll be at work late doing my office Fantasy Football league draft! Watch as I manage to snag Arian Foster, Aaron Rodgers and Jamaal Charles in the first round while only picking once. How'd I do it?

Only the PUMP will tell.

Anyway, if I time Heckyeahwoman's arrival just right, something like the following three seconds will occur at the perfect time - right as she walks in the door.

I will keep you up dated on Tuesday's FF draft hopefully on next week's HUMP DAY PUMP UP. Let's hope it's PUMPWORTHY.

Until then, keep'er growin.

short and sweet

2011-08-22T06:44:00.001-04:00

Busy weekend, partied a lot. Watched a hilarious episode of intervention. #OtherPeople'sProblems

Was shown this amazing video on Saturday night and it was nothing short of life altering.

We'll be back with a mind blowing HUMP DAY PUMP UP on HUMP DAY.

this is determination

2011-08-19T06:46:00.000-04:00

8:34 AM, sometime last week.

Heading to work, a short 2.5 mile drive, just outside of downtown Ann Arbor. Stoplight, less than a block from the office...and it happens.

There he is. There it is.

A black Ford Fusion, must have been a base model. Nothing spectacular about it. The car itself is very average - very middle of the road. Very middle class. So middle class he didn't even pop for the leather seats in a goddamn Ford Fusion.

Then there's him. That guy.

The driver. The look on his face. The scowl, the hair, the sunglasses. Nothing middle class about that, nah. That face screams success. It screams "I'm a boss." "I'm a BAAAUUSSS."

I could almost see the gleam in his sunglasses-covered eye. At least that's what he everyone to see. Screaming determination without saying a word. But not the kind of determination you see on the football field or anywhere else that it matters.

This determination is forced. Fabricated.

That determined scowl, almost a sneer, came from hours spent practicing in the mirror in his two-bedroom apartment.

And for a brief couple seconds, I almost bought it.

He's there at the red light, waiting, just waiting for that light to turn, lightly revving the engine on his unsouped-up base model Ford Fusion. Yeah. He knows the game well. Mid-thirties douchebag trying to act cool, in spite of his obvious, obnoxious try-hard gelled hair.

Then arrives the one thing he didn't count on: me.

Yeah, up I pull in my clearly more masculine car, look over with a disgusted look on my face, same as I always do, at anybody.

The light turns, I blast the pedal to the floor, scream into motion and with a wicked tire squeal, and a half block later, fly into the office parking lot. Even though I didn't see it, I know for a fact he continued heading wherever he was heading, one eye on the road, other eye in the rearview mirror, reassuring himself that he's a BAAAUUSS: "Man, fuck that guy, I'm gonna do this shit, do this dog, I'm the fuckin' man."

And I know for a fact that the short smile-filled walk from the car to my office was filled with thoughts of blogs to come.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: I GIVE UP

2011-08-17T06:44:00.001-04:00

Yeah. I give up. That's why we're gonna eschew the traditional themed HUMP DAY PUMP UP in favor of a diverse PUMP. Even though we at HYM poopoo diversity, we realize that there are myriad different ways for the world, your life, your friends, your family, your job and nature to break you down.

Realize that all these UNPUMPS will be coming at you from all sides at all times. Like I always say: no matter where you are or what you do, there will always be somebody there trying to fuck you. And not the good kind of fucking either.

With that said, sometimes, when you're not talking about people, diversity is essential. One man's trash is another man's treasure.

So let's start with a PUMP coming from somewhere you'd least expect it: Jon Stewart. We're not huge fans of Mr. Stewart, but he has been known to be funny on the rare occasion.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Indecision 2012 - Corn Polled Edition - Ron Paul & the Top Tier

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

Get PUMPED as Stewart yells "SANTORUM!?" at around :52.

then...

Holy ROFL at the Huntsman comment about the fire marshal at 1:25.

And finally, the VOICE OF REASON UBER PUMP DOCTOR PAUL PUTTING THE FUCKING PUMP IN HUMP DAY, PUTTING THE FUCKING HAMMER DOWN ON RICK INSANITORUM AT 2:45.

Kudos to you Mr. Stewart for getting Mr. Paul the publicity he deserves. And for BRINGING THE PUMP THROUGH BRINGING THE FUNNY.

Ok, I know I just PIMPED/PUMPED out a pal's music project a week or too ago, and I hate to be PUMPING (no I don't) my friends' endeavors so much, but this is legit funny. And if you like it, you should DONATE.

I lived with that kid for a year in college and one time he let me give him a haircut. Me. Giving a haircut. Believe it. I was PUMPED

Another time he did a flaming shot of whatever really-high-proof booze we had and his face caught on fire. STILL PUMPED

Then another time I coached him through telling his girlfriend at the time, over the phone, that he was sick and would be going to bed early, while we all had a ROOMMATE DRINKING NIGHT. I think that was the night I wound up cutting his hair.

PUMP

One time, I woke up in the morning and he's all "hey ****, you remember what happened last night?"

I'm all "no?"

He's all "really?"

I'm all "for real, wahappeh?"

He's all "yeah, last night you barged into my bedroom at like 4 in the morning, looked at me, then curled up on the floor in my closet and went to sleep. I tried yelling at you, but you weren't hearing it, so I just went back to sleep. When I woke up in the morning you were gone. You snored loud."

I'm all "woah, sorry dude."

A lesser man would have had a meltdown. Just wait till the time I tell you about the time I crawled into bed with another dude. Talk about a legit dude-freakout. Imagine how Heckyeahwoman felt when I got up to go potty in the middle of the night, and 5 minutes later, no hym, then all of a sudden she hears a loud "WHAT THE FUCK GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE" in the next bedroom over.

Yeah, sleepwalking PUMP.

So there you have it, a couple unrelated PUMPS on this HUMP DAY PUMP UP to fuel you through the rest of the week in this world that hates you.

Haha OK fine, some heavy rock music to nightcap this PUMP:

you're not me, trust me

2011-08-15T06:50:00.002-04:00

Sites like yelp are great. In fact, online reviews are wonderful; they've totally changed my online purchasing/shopping experiences. I'm sure most of you will agree.

But sometimes reviews go wrong. This can happen for many reasons: illiteracy, reviewing on a soapbox, trying to hard to be witty, being way too subjective or biased, among other things.

Here, we have "Heather C" reviewing a motel where we recently stayed in Northern Michigan. Let's see what she has to say about the Foothills Motel & Cafe:

So, I used to have a boyfriend from around here. Being one of the few southeast michiganders who actually doesn't have a cottage up north, I didn't get my first northern michigan experience until I was a college student...

Wait, what? A boyfriend? Complaining about being too poor to have a cabin up north? Nobody gives a shit? And one more thing, I can't stand the use of ellipsises (referred to now on as ellipses) to imply any sort of dramatic pretenses. Because most of the time it's not dramatic at all. What a bitch.

Anyway, Glen Lake has to be one of the most beautiful lakes I've ever seen. And the Foothills restaurant really just helped make my up north experience complete. It's in a cute little cottage, with friendly service and good, fresh coffee. But the food truly is the reason this place shines. I can't even describe how much better the food is here than all the other breakfast types I've been to. Fluffy pancakes (not the just add water kind), amazing bacon, perfect eggs, really good sausage gravy, crispy hashbrowns (I've been here quite a few times)... I'm actually starting to get sad I don't have a northern michigan connection now... Anyway, I've never tried anything from the lunch menu, but I'm sure that is good also. I'm really just not one to turn down a really good breakfast, regardless of the time of day.

Oh we finally get to a review of what's being reviewed, rather than a cloaked dig at her socioeconomic status not providing her the luxury of a cabin in Northern Michigan. Don't worry, she still managed to throw in a little personal pouting about not having a Northern Michigan connection.

To make it even better, prices are damn reasonable, quite a shocker from someone who spends the majority of their dining experiences in Ann Arbor. So go here if you have the chance :)

Love that the prices aren't just reasonable, but DAMN REASONABLE. I spend the majority of my dining experiences in Ann Arbor too, and there was nothing shocking about the prices. Pleasing, fair and low? Yeah. But shocking? Yeah no. When we were there a couple weeks ago, what I found more shocking was the GODDAMN ATM MACHINE EATING MY DEBIT CARD.

What the locals probably found shocking was a pretty woman (Heckyeahwoman) managing to restrain a tall, handsome and muscular dude from smashing the shit outta that goddamn ATM with a hammer.

If you're of the mind where reasonable prices are shocking when you're on vacation, you're probably insane. That's the thing about vacation - there's usually a continuum: expensive stuff for rich people and cheap things for poor people, and then medium priced stuff for the middle class. That's why you have people that can't make their mortgages going on vacation - because they can afford to.

Reviews are not a place for you to rant, preach, pontificate or blog. They are reviews. You review things with the slightest subjectivity. You provide honest insight into your experience with the product or service. You don't water it down with personal baggage or failed attempts at humor.

Here's a much more concise review of that cafe:

The cafe was fantastic - the food was great; the service was quick and it was reasonably priced. Also, the cafe closes at 3, but they have a gentleman, Duane, selling his delicious homemade sausages there from 5-9. I would absolutely recommend eating there for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Boom, done. All you need to know about the cafe.

At the end of the day, leave the wit and creativity to the masters, like me.

when a pin meant so much

2011-08-11T06:50:00.001-04:00

Quick little vacation story here...from our vacation - a couple weeks ago.

The motel we were staying at had an awesome breakfast diner that we hit each of the three mornings. I CRUSHED breakfast everyday. And yet over the past goddamn month I've managed to lose weight. A little backstory: I've been eating like a horse that hates his body.

#slowlydying

You know how when you're on vacation, and a quaint little restaurant or hotel or whatever will have a map on the wall, with a bunch of pins stuck in it? You can stick a pin into the map to designate where you're from.

You know what I'm talking about, right?

Anyway, this little breakfast joint, attached to an eight room motel, had one of those maps.

And as we were destroying our b-fast, a middle aged balding dude walked up, presumably to stick a pin in the map.

Only instead of taking immediate action and getting back to the fun part of his vacation (eating shitloads of breakfast bacon and beaching it up), he just stood there. Almost perplexed. Not quite as perplexed as I was.

Dude picked up a pin, looked at the map, kinda confused, looked at the pin in his hand, looked up longingly at the map again. The looks on his faces are just educated guesses, as he had his back to us. But you know how you can tell, right.

Suddenly he was joined by what I assume was his wife. Another woman of a middling level of obesity and age. And judging by the way they quickly huddled together to most likely discuss where to strategically place the pin, she was of average intelligence. This isn't rocket science.

Seriously, it was almost like a huddle, they way they were plotting and planning the sticking of the pin.

First thought was that this guy didn't know where the hell to stick the pin - this could be for one of two reasons - he is just a geographically challenged fuckup or he wanted to make a statement with his pin placement. Being the cynical asshole that I am, well, I don't really know which one would be more cynical. I can just picture the brief conversation.

Him: Honey, where should I put this pin?

Her: We're from Iowa, just stick it somewhere in Des Moines.

Him (sad): Nobody cares that we're from Iowa.

Her (annoyed): We're in Northern Michigan.

Him (clueless): Yeah, but who cares about a Midwestern family vacationing in the Midwest?

Her (getting angry): Just put the fucking pin in the fucking map you impotent little bitch. Jesus Christ you are as indecisive as your stupid mother in law holy shit why the fuck did I ever marry you?

Him (confused): But nobody cares.

Either way, I got distracted by my wife, the bacon, my eggs, her sausage and gravy or whatever. Point is I missed the actual pin stabbing the map. In the blink of an eye, you can miss so much.

I'll never know which of those couple hundred pins on that map belongs to that wayward couple. And even worse, I'm not totally convinced that I even care.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: DAT BOI GUMBY

2011-08-10T06:33:00.002-04:00

First things first: it's HUMP DAY. Leave your cares behind and get ready for the NFL PUMP OF YOUR LIFE. The NFL is back, free agent signings started off crazy but have cooled down a bit, people are signing up for fantasy football leagues, it's a good time of the year.

Before we get to the football, let's let Exhumed kick this PUMP off right. Sick riffs, sick vocals, sick lyrics, just what HUMP DAY NEEDS:

Don't know (also don't care!) if you have any interest in the NFL, but last year's Giants-Eagles matchup had an epic finish that included the Giant's EPIC MELTDOWN. And if you know anything about me, you'll know that nothing PUMPS ME UP like an EPIC MELTDOWN.

How the hell do you get any more PUMPIER than that? By throwing the best colo(u)r commentary this side of this fuckin' Demetry James dude. Watch as my idol narrates the meltdown.

Quick question at 1:15 - "WHO TEAM YOU PLAYIN' FA, MOTHAFUCKA?"

Two seconds later, homeboy drops an N-BOMB! Now he liberally peppers his commentary with N-bombs that end in "a", no problem, but DAAAAAMMMMMMNNNN PUMP AWAY!

2:42 - good shit Kibbles N Bits hahaha as Michael Vick runs that ten yarder in. Hate to see Vick succeed, but he paid his dues and seems to be doing the right thing. PUMP!

3:10, tie game, like a minute left - rookie punter kicks the rock to Desean Jackson, one of the fastest, most dangerous, most arrogant turdthugs in the league. And what does Desean do?

Fumbles the goddamn punt.

Then picks it up and runs untouched right into the goddamn endzone EAGLES VICTORY PUMP HAHA GIANTS YOU MELTED DOWN AND LEFT A NATION OF MILLIONS WITH ONE OF THE BIGGEST CLUTCH PUMPS IN HUMP DAY PUMP UP HISTORY!

HAHA OWNED!

3:45 - the billion year old Giants coach, Tom Coughlin has some choice words for the obviously now-UNPUMPED rookie punter that kicked it RIGHT TO DESEAN.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ysqZC20T9c&feature=related

And maybe the crown jewel of this little PUMP UP is watching MARSHAWN LYNCH TEAR THROUGH THE SAINTS DEFENSE AND PUT THE TEAM ON HIS BACK DARREN SHARPER HOLD MAH DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

I think this was already used for a previous HDPU, but the PUMP-FACTOR is just too high.

Ready for the ultimate UNPUMP? My wife tricked me into watching the grueling, three hour Bachelor Pad season premeire.

Vacuous sluts on TV PUMP!

weekend wrap-up / an unheated exchange

2011-08-08T06:35:00.000-04:00

It's Sunday night, man, and we tubed down the river all day. It was so much fun the first time that we went again. Except the second run took forever.

Beers, sun, water, tubes, turtles, ducks, fish, cherries, fried chicken.

So Sabbath.

Then after almost six hours of tubing, we had to get home, pound out a quick shower, pound a quick one out in the shower and meet our friends downtown for the much heralded Indian restaurant, Shalimar.

Our friend just loves the place. Says it's the best Indian he's ever had, goes once every couple weeks, just goddamn loves it.

I love Indian food too, but my palette is not refined enough to differentiate Indian culinary experiences (read: I love Indian buffets). In a past job I worked almost exclusively with Indians as customers. And let me tell you, Indians are far from ideal customers. Unless you're looking for a customer that will lie, steal, and not pay you. Fucking scumbags.

Cultural swarthiness aside, their food is nothing short of astonishingly delicious.

Just thought I'd share my little Sunday Funday with you, fine readers. Honestly though, I have a pretty funny story from the gym on Saturday and I really didn't want to just PUMP out a couple crappy paragraphs and be done with it. So I added a little extra weekend detail to bulk this bad boy up.

True story.

So yeah, had a great workout Saturday afternoon, and it ended even better. Read on.

As I arrived in the locker room to change, grab my stuff and bust, I noticed two obviously foreign guys having a somewhat heated, yet muted, debate. They kinda had that Eurotrash facial structure, you know what I mean - kinda handsome (bitches dig Eurod00fs), but a fucked up chin here or a fucked up cheek bone there makes you look, I don't know, kinda foreign. Good news though - they were both fully clothed (thank you), kinda sweaty and probably around fifty.

I also noticed some skinny little schmuck slink into one of the shower stalls, but whatever.

Back to the Eurosquabblers: standing so close to each other, literally face to face, I assume both of their faces were covered in cheap-wine-and-workout-breath-spittle. Very unsavory. I was just changing clothes quick, and didn't catch anything specific.

The crown jewel though, as I was heading out, I heard the fatter, balder dude say, in his ridiculously foreign accent, "don't make me say this again". Not sure what it was exactly that he not to be forced to repeat.

Also, not sure what was less intimidating: the overall middle-age feel the little exchange had or the back and forth of two grown men with indecipherable accents. Due to the non-hostile vibe those two Euroturds were puttin' off, I'm gonna hedge my bets with French origins.

Either way, thinking of the blogworthiness of what just happened, a smile spread across my face as I exited the locker room.

how to 1.0: ordering food

2011-08-05T06:21:00.007-04:00

Having worked in the restaurant/food service industry, and having been a server for close to nine years, I think I may be a bit of an authority when it comes to ordering food.

For the most part, I think I've seen it all - from people ordering the most insane substitutions, to me actually having to ask the goddamn customer if she actually wants me to eat it for her because she seemed to want the cooks to bend over backwards and make the item completely different from the way it is supposed to be served, to me handing a customer's pathetic tip back, letting them know that they apparently need it more than I do.

But today we're going to focus on just ordering your food. That's right, a couple minute process that you can butcher so bad you may wind up looking like an asshole...or worse, offend the waiter.

And I think we all know what happens when a waiter gets offended: food gets fucked with. Different story for a different time, friends (think blown-nose banana split or booger chicken).

Just three simple rules, let's dig in!

Rule #1 - if it's not on the menu, don't order it. Do you go to a Mexican restaurant and order General Tso's chicken? Some of you shitheads may, but the vast majority of people don't. Pretty much common sense here, but you'd be surprised at the crap the general public tries to pull.

Rule #2 - if it's not on the menu, don't order it. This one is important, that's why I listed it twice. Just one last time to emphasize how important it is, let me put it into perspective: if you were blind, and I was reading it to you, I'd be screaming it in your face, spattering your ugly mug with spittle.

Rule #3 - those are really the only two rules; they just have to be applied to different parts of the menu and ordering process: sides, substitutions and a category I'll call overall tackiness. So let's get started and have you properly ordering food as soon as lunch today!

Sides - order from the goddamn sides they have listed. french fries, side salad for $1.79 extra, mashed potatoes, whatever. I don't care if you really like deep fried artichoke hearts, order the appetizer if you want those. Do you know why deep-fried artichoke hearts weren't a side option to choose from? Me neither, but they weren't, so shut the fuck up.

Exceptions: my wife, cause she is smart, hot and awesome and gets a free pass for a lot of things. And because I'm usually a direct beneficiary of her ordering transgressions - I enjoy the spoils of her ordering transgressions without actually transgressing.

Substitutions - This is the most blatantly, egregiously and flagrantly flubbed part of ordering. You've got sonsabitches trying to substitute veggies with meat (I'm serious, some dumb bitch tried to switch her pickle, lettuce and tomato for another burger patty). Take me for example; I don't like shrimp, but if there's a dish that looks amazing, and just happens to have shrimp in it, I either pick out the shrimp or just forcefully eat the entire thing. Don't like pickles? Fuck you! Pickles are awesome! Hate lettuce? Shut the fuck up! Not a fan of tomatoes? Nobody gives a shit!

And you said you're allergic to peanuts? Haha that's funny, I don't remember anybody asking you!

Many restaurants have professional cooks and chefs prepare their menus. My guess is they do that because these people know a thing or two about food - complimentary tastes, textures, scents and how to make a really great burger, among other culinary talents. Long story short, all that stuff you pretend that you don't like, it was all put there for a reason. Shut the heck up, take a sip of your beer, and enjoy that meal the way it was meant to be enjoyed.

Think of it this way, imagine your spouse saying, "I'd like to order my spouse, but swap his abs with Brad Pitt's, his net worth with Bill Gates', his brain with Stephen Hawking's, and his violent temperament with that of any random spineless liberal pussy". That shit won't fly, so what makes you think it's cool to pull that at the restaurant. Yeah, no question mark on purpose. My blog, my rules.

Exceptions: my wife, some allergies, sauces/dressings on the side, your parents swapping baby you for a stuffed animal.

Overall Tackiness - This one is a little subjective, so I'll just throw out a few situations, and you'll be able to get the idea.

Fat chick in an over-sized NASCAR t-shirt soaking something in extra ranch.
Anybody ordering a meal consisting of only fried food.
Asking the server to essentially choose between two items, and then going with a third, unmentioned item.
Adults ordering off the children's menu.
Having to ask the price (because you can't afford it).

If you have any more ordering etiquette questions, please feel free to post them in the comments, tweet me, facebook me, or hit me on email. In summary, order from the menu, don't be an asshole and well, just don't be an asshole. And order from the menu.

HUMP DAY PUMP UP: THE FAVOR

2011-08-03T06:46:00.011-04:00

Wait WHAT? The favor? A favor?

Yeah, pussybeats, a goddamn favor. Homeboy is trying to make it in the music business, and to make it happen he fired up a Kickstarter project to get his music mixed. Sounds reasonable enough - asking people to front the bill so you can fulfill your Hollywood dreams of making it big.

Dude asked me if I could help him out by sharing his Kickstarter link. So I did him one better; yeah, I'm promoting it in its very own HUMP DAY PUMP UP. Yeah bro, like 35 people are totally going to glaze over this whole post.

For you trivia buffs out there, this isn't the first time I've supported this dude's music. Yes, way back in high school, when he thought he was the skinny white version of Puff Daddy, Puffy and/or P Diddy, I purchased one of his homemade cds. For high school rap, made by white kids from the burbs, it was pretty dec.

And I cruised around our hometown in my whip, windows down, and PUMPED that. I bet I scared the old people with those slightly muted, unthumping basslines.

Anyway, I think he's doing something really awesome, and his first single, "Girl Like You" is one of the most ridiculously catchy things I've ever heard this side of Ke$ha, Maroon 5 and 'Nsync. OK, not as awesome as Maroon 5, but still really catchy.

Don't believe me? Get PUMPED to the catchy sounds of John Fitz:

Good music not giving you the PUMP you need? Well at least appreciate the hot chick in the video, twinks. And unlike most musical HUMP DAY PUMP UPS, there is no yelling, hardcore, death metal or punk rock.

Maybe a little humor is what the doctor ordered. Give homeboy points for making a lolworthy pitch for your unhard-earned money:

Curiously, he posted a "making of" youtube vid, however I couldn't find the actual video. Either way, this song sounds dope, and he's got a sick skinny tie on.

Not really sure why I embedded the Kickstarter widget here, cause I already set up a direct link so you can go donate. Guess it's just cause the novelty of embedding shit and learning basic HTML still hasn't worn off, 3 years later.

So here's the embedded widget.

PLEDGE $500 AND HE'LL WRITE AND RECORD A SOLO SONG ABOUT heck yeah, man DO IT NOW